I lost my dad suddenly March last year to a heart attack.
Last night I poked the bear. I miss my dad terribly, and I miss his voice. So for the first time since last March, I watched one of his videos. One where he was showing off the view from his new spanish villa. Hearing his voice again, I just became hysterical. I just sat on my own and cried.
Then I sat and wondered if my brothers feel the same. One of my brothers has just had a baby, the other has just bought and moved in to his first house, so they’re distracted, moving on. I know they miss dad too.
I feel so alone in this grief, I see everyone else carrying on and I’m still sat here in the dark crying and struggling to breathe. I try to talk to family but I’m made to feel I should be over it. I try so hard to put on a brave face, but when I’m on my own I’m falling apart. I don’t even let my partner see this.
I’m throwing myself in to my work at the moment, which I know doesn’t help because now I’m exhausted and the whole thing feels 10x worse. But it’s the only place I don’t have chance to think about everything.
I’ve experienced loss before, but this is just something else. It’s completely changed me. I used to be everything I pretend to be now. I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel so low without my dad to talk to.