I lost myself when I lost my dad

I lost my dad suddenly March last year to a heart attack.

Last night I poked the bear. I miss my dad terribly, and I miss his voice. So for the first time since last March, I watched one of his videos. One where he was showing off the view from his new spanish villa. Hearing his voice again, I just became hysterical. I just sat on my own and cried.

Then I sat and wondered if my brothers feel the same. One of my brothers has just had a baby, the other has just bought and moved in to his first house, so they’re distracted, moving on. I know they miss dad too.

I feel so alone in this grief, I see everyone else carrying on and I’m still sat here in the dark crying and struggling to breathe. I try to talk to family but I’m made to feel I should be over it. I try so hard to put on a brave face, but when I’m on my own I’m falling apart. I don’t even let my partner see this.

I’m throwing myself in to my work at the moment, which I know doesn’t help because now I’m exhausted and the whole thing feels 10x worse. But it’s the only place I don’t have chance to think about everything.

I’ve experienced loss before, but this is just something else. It’s completely changed me. I used to be everything I pretend to be now. I just don’t know where to go from here. I feel so low without my dad to talk to.


Hi there I’m so sorry to hear you lost your dad, my mum passed away 10th July this year & it’s so raw, I looked after her for the last 6 weeks at home so she was with dad and the rest of the family, I feel so lost, & the feeling of guilt won’t go away, going up to dads now is so different, its quiet & not the same without her, I don’t know how people get through it, my mum was 85 & I’m so blessed to have had her in my life till now, but it still hurts, I do hope it gets easier for all of us to cope with.
Stay strong & take care
Lynn xx

Oh @lynn2691 :pensive: I’m so sorry for your loss. I can imagine that must be so difficult to go back to the place she should be.
My dad was 57 when he passed, it pains me that he was so young, he still had so much life to live. But I don’t think I ever would have been ready to lose him wether it was 57 or 157.

I’ve also felt guilty the past year, my relationship with my dad was difficult to say the least. A lot of history and he said she said between my parents meant I didn’t have the relationship I would have liked with him. I also feel I could have helped him live better, could I have saved him in some way.
There’s a huge hole in my heart, life, soul that only my dad can fill. I can only hope time helps.
I’m here if you want to chat, take care x

My goodness your dad was far to young, I guess on top of all the guilt & anger you would feel cheated that your dad went far too early, I try and take each day as it comes, some days I wake up & feel so numb & tired , you think you’ve slept ok & you haven’t, hopefully things will get better for all of us, I understand what your saying when you feel you could have done more I feel that too, just wish these feelings would go away. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Will keep in touch
Take care
Lynn xx

Allie, you have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your dad it is sad when people assume the death of a loved one should have a time limit of grief. Some deal in months some deal in years. My mum was murdered at a young age of 51 I was 17 it was 30yrs ago but somethings still hit me, especially now after losing my wife this year all the emotions come flooding back.
Certainly is hard reading messages watching movies and hearing there voices but although it’s painful it’s a blessing with technology we’re able to do this I would hate to forget my mums voice or how she moved and looked but because of technology that will never happen. You have your dad forever at a click of a button imagine if you didn’t.
Most times people look like they have moved on but we all try to put on that fake face so people don’t worry or constantly ask how you’re are, but the loss of a loved one partner parent child it never goes away.
It’s good you came it to talk about it, it’s something you shouldn’t do alone and let’s be honest we’re all here because we’re in pain so you’re in great company :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Hi, I am going through the exact same thing at the minute but my Dad passed away in 2017 and I still feel the same now. My dad passed when he was 66 to Throat Cancer so for the last 12 months of his life I couldn’t hear his voice. You are very lucky to have those memories videoed and do not feel bad about feeling your feelings, I am just starting to realise that if you don’t feel them it will be 5 years later and you are worse and your life is more empty, I would try to talk to your partner even if it just for a big hug and to know you are safe and loved. Family can help but they are grieving too and everyone does that in different ways so it is hard for them to sympathise with your feelings. you can contact me anytime if you feel lonely or just need someone who feels the same to read and listen to your feelings :slight_smile:

‘I used to be everything i pretend to be now’ - so accurate

this is just such a brilliantly articulate description of the whole thing, it sums all the key points so nicely - thanks!


i know we are at different points in our grief but i feel i can relate in many ways to what you are saying. I am so sorry for your loss and what you are experiencing.

Yesterday i lost my mum and at the moment it does not feel real. I don’t feel like myself at all. I feel like there has been a huge mistake made some how because this cant possibly be happening to me. She cant possibly have gone. She was my absolute world and my very best friend. I spoke to her every single day on the phone and we talked about everything. I feel like ive lost two people in one. I am 32 years old, i am adult i know but i dont feel prepared for this world without my mum. She was the first person i called if i had news or had a problem i needed help with. She was such a caring, down to earth person and i truly loved her. I always will! I have experienced loss in the past when my uncle died of similar circumstances, but this is something i could never have prepared myself for. I feel shocked that there is this much pain to be experienced! Im not naive by any means, ive had my fair share of ups and downs and heart ache in my life, but as i say this is just something else. And i feel like no one understands what im feeling. I have people around me and i am so grateful to them, because i need people to talk to, i cannot sit by myself with these thoughts. I have to talk it out. I am all over the place and i somehow feel like i have become ‘unanchored’ from the world and i am just floating aimlessly. I have 2 small children who depend on me and i am trying so hard to stay ‘happy’ for them, to show them a smiley face and laugh at their funny antics, but at the moment it is a false mask. I feel so miserable and like i cant possibly accept and move on from something that i am so desperately unhappy about.

What i would say is that my partner, although not having been through a similar experience is so supportive, and him just sitting with my whilst i cry and reassuring me that i am going to be ok, is keeping me sane. I would urge you to talk to your partner, or to someone else about how you are feeling. If you are as good as me at putting on a happy mask, then you probably have people fooled and they dont realise the support that you still need.

I hope you find some peace.


Hi Bev,

I’m so sorry for your loss,

And all that I can say is that it’s amazing that you’ve arrived here so quickly and so eloquently. Obviously you’ve already built up a lot of skills and competence in knowing what to do when disaster strikes.

Hi Angus,

Thank you. I think it is more my despair that has driven me to seek support so fast. I don’t want to feel like i’m silently sinking if that makes sense.

Is it normal to seek comfort in people who have had the same experiences? Is it normal to compare your own loss with that of other people and hope you find that it some how could have been much worse , but wasn’t?

I suppose its all part of the roller coaster of emotions and trying to find ways to cope.

Thanks for replying,


Hi Bev,

I really do feel an incredible connection talking to you now, given that it is so soon after the loss.

I think that you have 100% made the right move here.

Of course it is normal to do that. We do it for any other situation in life, and grief is no exception. Why shouldn’t it be? It shouldn’t. The only reason it feels that way is that our society is terrible at handling bereavement and loss. Check out Meghan o Rourke’s book the long goodbye for more on this. I really think you are in a position of sanity to catch it now before it spirals out of control into depression and alcoholism and other terrible things like that.

Look, you’re right at the start of a journey and no doubt you will have a journey of your own (I’ve certainly had a very very long one which I’d be happy to detail more for you in further chats), but my immediate gut feeling is that you’re very wise to seek out support so early on in the process - I wasn’t able to do this for a variety of complicated reasons.

And just one other thing for now is that I really really wish I’d gotten more support and help earlier on in this whole thing.