Hi, it’s coming to a year of saying goodbye over losing my mum and nan a week apart this time last year. My mum died of Flu, barely got to say goodbye. Held her hand when they turned the machines off, i asked the doctor if the tear running down her face was because her eye’s were open for the last 24hrs, she said no, it’s because she knows. This broke my heart in two.
I take on all the duties, cause i ‘thought’ i was in the best place, i consoled my family told her siblings. Arranged the funeral… the worst though was telling an aunt on my father’s side, she was off and gave her condolences and ended the call. One hour later, i got a call back, ‘we can’t hide it from you guys any longer, your nan isn’t doing very well’ this person was the last person in my life that had brought me up and that i treasured. I went to see her, she was so cheery and sarcastic as usual, i was asked by siblings, nephews if they should go see her. My advise was if you treasured her like i did, keep your memories as she was. It got worse each day i went 8days since my mum died in ICU then i said goodbye to my world.
Rewind my history with grief, my grandad at the age of 11 died 2 days before my 12th birthday in 1998. It sent me off the rails, he was a legend, made me smile everytime i saw him. My first big loss, then to 2015 1 day before my wedding, my grandma dies 10mins after i tell her she will look great in the outfit she described for my wedding. 2years later… my world crashed, i get a call that my dad collapsed and was in A&E, I’d only text him 2 days prior. My dad was both parents in one, my best friend, my go to person. He collapsed with a brain aneurysm and never regained consciousness over the 3days in hospital, we made the decision to turn off his machines and donate his organs as per his wishes. This took it’s toll, helped end my marriage and make me re-evaluate my life. I worked through it, or thought i had, each year that went by was more painful than the last knowing what he missed out on.
2023, celebrated new year with a tribute to my dad to see in the coming 7th without him. Jan 9th I’m at a party with friends and some family to get told to get to A&E asap. My Mum in the same area my Dad was but she was awake, the same relative room, me and mum wasn’t on the best of terms but i told her i loved her and she smile and gripped my hand. We waited around, she got tired and we was told to get some rest and come back the next day. We did the morning to have the doctor state ICU had given up on her, early hours that next morning we lost her.
8 days later i lost the Queen of our family, 94, what an age.
2024…it’s all now starting to affect me, to change me…I’m struggling so much with all my loss. I don’t know how to talk to anyone about it, i feel weak when i do.