I lost my mum 1 year ago today. It feels crazy that I had known her all my life and now she no longer exists in this world.
I have a lot of close friends, and an amazing partner. But nobody has checked up on me at all today. It makes me feel so alone in my grief. And I feel so bad for feeling pissed off about it.
After saying a very blunt goodnight to my partner tonight, I wrote this poem through my teary eyes.
I wonder if it resonantes with anyone else.
“Im jealous
That my world has stopped
And everyone’s goes on
You’re laughing, sleeping, eating
And I’m not
I’m selfless enough to know
That my grief isn’t what others should be thinking of.
Everyone has their own life
But my jealousy creates selfishness.
Why has nobody reached out to me when they know I’ve lost a huge part mine?
I think to myself. But will never say out loud
“where were you when I needed you”
I stitch my mouth shut so it never falls out
I intervene. No you shouldn’t think like that
it’s not fair. Ignore me, carry on as normal
It’s no one’s job to be there
Because that is what I think, truly
But the child inside me is so lonely
She could use the company
That’s the voice of this jealousy
Not me really, but the girl who was always left alone
And she can’t understand why now she has so many people who love her, but still nowhere to go”
I try and be so positive, but I’m struggling tonight. And I feel so guilty. Because I know my mum wouldn’t want that…
I’d like to know I’m not alone, if anyone has felt the same?
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your mum that brings you here. Thank you for sharing your poem with the community
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
Our Grief Guide is a self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text message service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
I am so sorry @BeckyB and yes I am feeling that - I posted the thread about other people’s expectations, and feel angry, alone, jealous too on occasion. I think it affects us so much more, we had that connection, others did not necessarily.
Or, they have not Been Through This yet, which is heartbreaking to feel they one day will. And they had no idea how you felt, when it was you going through it.
The Firsts are awful, I am only 4 months in this week, and my birthday in July and a special event this past weekend floored me.
Some days all we can do is breathe.
Becky, your poem really spoke to me. Thank you for sharing. I lost my dad a little less than 2 years ago and my partner told me that my dad’s death has been so long ago now. I tell people he recently passed because it literally still feels like the worst day of my life happened just yesterday. I’m still coming out of the shock and I’m resentful towards my partner and friends because they’ve already moved on. But that’s okay and I shouldn’t be angry with them. However, i understand where you are coming from. Talking to your partner and being open about how that made you feel will take the heaviness off your chest. I’ve done it myself and it helped a lot. Chat with me anytime Becky @BeckyB
I definitely feel that too. I’ve said to my husband that mum has been there all my life, it’s just not possible for her not to be around any more. I still feel like she will come back if I wait long enough. It’s an awful feeling, I’m sorry.
She lived with us and I find myself looking at her chair and wondering why she’s not there.
I know what you mean, when you say if you wait long enough. It feels like that for me, too. It feels like I’m filling a gap and that soon enough I’ll see my lovely daddikins and he’ll be super proud of me, and he’ll step back into his role of protector, looking after everyone .
Speaking from the experience of someone who (I think) lost their beloved a little bit before you did (I lost my dad in November) I do think that my way of thinking has gradually changed. And hence, I do think that the hurt will decrease and make way for happy memories, for you too.
In the immediate aftermath, I was absolutely knocked for six. Devastated. Unable to comprehend. Floored. In so much incredible pain. Struggling to put one foot in front of the other. Consumed with the worst, darkest, most horrible feelings. Unimaginable grief. Powerlessness. Loss. All of my hopes for the future, dashed. I couldn’t have imagined a worse event.
Slowly, some of that has lessened, making way for pride and honour that that wonderful selfless beautiful and kind man is my father and I get to honour him in my day-to-day life.
My gosh, I was reading an interview with the author of ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’. His son had died aged 18, and the author spoke so amazingly pragmatically, saying that everyone gets their time, be it a few minutes, or 100 years. I can’t quite stretch my mind around to that grateful way of thinking, but I was amazed at his strength, to be able to view such a colossal loss in that way .
I think everyone’s inner child cries out to their lost parent. The poetry line " so many people who love her, but nowhere to go" resonates with me. I am deeply loved by my friends and colleagues (I think!) but have little family support. I know I am loved but I’ve never really fitted in anywhere. It is a strange feeling
.