I’m drowning my heart is shattered

I lost my husband on 10/102022 suddenly of a massive heart attack he was only 55 we have been married for 30 years this past sept 5th I meant Brian when I was 19 we had an incredible passionate love and we have 3 girls and just had our first grandson 5 months ago . Im drowning in grief, my life is him he is everything to me I can’t breath ,I also tried to save him doing chest compressions, CPR for over 11 minutes and failed befor the ambulance arrived I know I have to continue on but I just can’t believe he is gone I’m beyond broken oh lord why? How can I survive this pain this unreality how can we deal with this crippling heartache it seems impossible please anyway help me hold on

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Welcome Jenny 1971
You said it …… holding on
I’m hanging by a thread
Lost Paul to lung cancer 24th July 2022
Strong farmer who was working 5 weeks before he passed away
He just used to say
We’ve got a plan we’ll get there
Treatment didn’t work married 44 years….
No words of wisdom I’m afraid we are lonely numb in disbelief bundling from day to day and the days mean nothing apart from taking us further away from our soulmate
Nobody knows what we are going through…… seeing couples even friends as couples
Post here tho we know what you are going through and feel exactly the same and sometimes worse……
All I can say is life’s a bitch
Take care
Sending hugs
Xx

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Hi Jenny, I totally understand how you are feeling. My husband passed away in April and he was also 55, I am 50. He was my world. We had moved to Norfolk almost 5 years ago and had plans to refurbish a barn in our garden. He started it before he fell Ill and was so worried about it and leaving me with it to sort. I have spent the last six months trying to do the things I knew he wanted to do, but now it’s getting near completion, I just feel empty.
It is so very fresh for you and it was so sudden. We knew that Doug had a terminal illness, but in the end, it happened so quickly and unexpectedly.
Sending my best wishes to you xxx

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Jenny, My husband died suddenly as well in very similar circumstances. One minute he was fine, next minute he was not. It’s a terrible trauma you have gone through and it’s so recent. There is so much to comprehend and process. It blows your mind. Please don’t be hard on yourself. I am 19 months down the line and I honestly felt like you in the aftermath. Just one day at a time, one hour at a time if needed. Everyone is here on this forum to help you xx

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Thank you trying so hard it will be a month in 4 days since I heard him touched him I just ache
I’m sorry for your loss too , Jenny

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Hi Jenny.

My wife was 44 when she passed away they said she was getting over the breast cancer but had not noticed it had got to her brain, I walked out of the kitchen as she let out a scream and had a seizure in front of me then died, the ambulance brought her back to life but then i had to sit in the hospital and watch your slowly die again over 2 weeks, it’s been 2 years and the pain inside never leaves I’ve heard it described as living in a mist you can see The Shadows moving but never quite feel you’re part of them, you’re just wondering around lost looking at Shadows, you’ll learn to survive you have to but it will be a completely different life in a completely different world, my advice is to just talk to anybody at least it helps to release some of it. I was on therapy and antidepressants for a year you have to stop the drugs at sometime and learn to live life but I’m still trying to do that. Sending you hugs :heart:

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So sorry for your loss I had a similar experience
It does get easier However you have to get through the pain first I feel for you Know that you are not alone

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I feel the same. My husband was only 59, married 32 years and he suffered terribly towards the end and I did everything I could but I couldn’t save him and I wish I could have done more.
He was my world. I dont know what to do. I am no longer the happy go lucky person I was. I cant make decisions, I get anxious and nothing seems important any more. Im alone and I haven’t even done anything with his belongings. Everything is in the place it was the day he went. My heart has been ripped out. Its a real living pain. I think about him and cry constantly. Im not interested in anything or seeing friends they only make me more upset. Im annoyed that the GP or any of the nurses have not got in touch with me to see how I am. After all I was I was on the phone to them daily for so long before the end. I just hope I get something and then I can refuse treatment so I can join him. I am 59 too and I do. It want to be here for the next 20/30 years without him. He worked so hard and our future has been robbed. I am so sad.

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Welcome Moi1
Easy to say but don’t be too hard on yourself
We are all here for you
To vent your anger
Let off steam
Cry like the rest of us
I too feel the same as you
My world had ended plans tossed aside
All I see is couples. Couples holding hands couples older than Paul and I and I am just so so jealous
Couples in cars couples in Motorhome’s ( we had one and totally loved her)……
My days are spent in a dream haze nightmare
I don’t like going out I feel close to Paul here although he was a farmer and was working 5 weeks until he died
Cancer is devastating……
Go to the drs explain how you feel……
Talk to us we all know what’s it’s like …… a living bloody hell
Take care
Sending a really big hug
Xx

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Hi Bess1
Thank you. This is a living torture, a living hell. Im the same when I see couples or an older man walking along the street and I think well my Tom will never be that age. Its just not fair. I cant bear it. And if I hear another well meaning “time will heal” or “you’ll slowly get over it” then I will scream. Its the acute feeling of being on your own. I miss our chats. I miss telling him things. I miss everything. He was the main cook as I am not interested in cooking or anything for that matter.
At least as you say, this forum and the stories in it show me that it’s maybe just not me but anyone who has lost a loving perfect spouse then that may help.
It will be 10 weeks tomorrow since I lost him and I remember every minute, every detail. Images I cannot get out my mind.
Xx

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Hi Moi1
15 weeks gone Sunday for me
Everything you say I feel 100% I’m with you I relive everything
I keep a diary and always read what I wrote last year
Paul was struggling last year ( just started ……to me anyway…… kept it to himself how ill he must’ve been before he told me just a little bit) so I relive every single day
Time will heal, it takes time, or the first year is the worst…… folk on here feel the same after years so those comments are meaningless
How do folk understand the truth is they don’t
I miss everything you miss you are not alone doubt that’ll help I know
Like you I panic…… just me for everything but it’s more than that it’s what we feel inside
Outwardly we look the same well clothes wise I mean I’ve aged years I look tired drawn worried sad alone lifeless uninteresting uninterested the lot
Does it bother me no …… I just want my Paul back like everyone here we ache for our loved ones
Chin up
Keep posting always here for you
Sorry not very upbeat this morning……
Lolxx

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Hi Jenny.
I feel the same, I lost my husband on 26th August, suddenly after a cancer diagnosis.
My life changed instantly, and I miss him and us so very much, I woke this morning wondering how I can go on, my children are wonderful, but they have to mourn their Dad and I am trying not to be a nuisance.
I try not to think too far ahead, because that frightens me.
I just want it all to go away, the sadness is overwhelming but I think this community helps.
Take care :heart:

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Hi Bess1
It is now 12 weeks today since my Tom left me. I am no better. I have tried and tried to be upbeat but its impossible. I still cant believe it and although we were told it was terminal, I never actually believed he would die. How could he die at 59? He loved life and we loved each other and we had so much more to do. I was off working nursing him 24 hrs a day for over a year and I had to go back to work this week and its pure hell. I hate it and think whats the point, nothing seems important any more but I need the income. The winter nights dont help although if it was a lovely summer night I would hate that too as we both loved sitting out, going places, doing things. Either way, I cant win. I am just so sad and cry constantly even in the shops when I pass the stuff I used to buy for him which now I cant face eating. Everything has changed. Some days I dont eat, other days I eat too much, I end up throwing out most of all food I buy. I hate my life and look at tomorrow being one step closer to the end. Never used to be like this. I just want him back and still think I will see him come in the room but deep down I know that I never will when I see his container of ashes. People on here always seem to ask when the pain will go away but at the moment, mine is getting worse.
Not having a great time of it all but I try and put a face on for the few people who have actually stayed in touch with me despite everyone at the funeral saying they would be there for me, anything I need etc, etc.
Sorry, Im a bit negative today.
Mx

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I lost my wife 4 weeks ago am I am exactly the same as you send you a cuddle x

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Hi Moi1
Please don’t apologise for negatively…… I feel exactly the same
I could’ve written what you did
My Paul died 17 weeks gone Sunday an eternity I’m not the person I was I never will be
My mate said Paul and I were like Salt and Pepper
The Macmillian said stick of rock
The actual thought of not seeing Paul again not speaking to him not having him around or at the end of the phone is just like you so bloody awful
I too struggling big time
Yes folks at funeral 120 don’t need one hand to count how many have been round to see me they have a life
We don’t
I have a very small number of friends who are looking out for me that’s good
I’m having counselling and she says don’t pretend to folk you cannot say your fine when you are not
So…… when asked I do say I’m struggling
Struggling in pain , ache , heartache , alone, I feel the lot
Couples everywhere Christmas dark nights as you say light nights won’t be any better
Paul died and my life ended…… end of
Never think you are alone we here listen and know what it feels like to be bereft
Oh the what ifs!
Take care
Big hugs
Xx

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Sorry for slow response ,sometimes it helps to read and other times it’s to much I also can’t think ahead

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