Thank you @Seaneen
I’ve learnt something new today.
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Hi,
I never used to reply that I was fine or I was ok. I used to and still say I am not ok or I am not fine. Then
I say it’s still difficult to explain how I feel.
And before they say it’s been 3 yrs and look at me as if I should be over it I tend to get in first by saying “Even after 3 yrs it’s very tough going”
It usually stops people in their tracks.
In the beginning it wasn’t easy to reply like that but as time goes on I have learnt to respond in a way that protects myself. And it definitely works.
Hope this helps as someone
Deborah
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My friend, a physician, told his wife that it will take 4 years for me to be normal again when she was wondering why I haven’t snapped back to the old me after 8 months.
I sure hope not, but honestly, I will never be the same as I was. That me died when my husband did.
Love,
Peaches
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Even after those 4 years, I still have the odd spell of emotion and heartache (I’ve just had one), but they are far less frequent and shorter. But they still hurt
You have to be a member of this club before you really understand. I don’t blame anyone for thinking we should be over it. How can they know.
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It is a club we didn’t ask to join and from which we can not resign. I live sad. Not in a puddle of tears, but sad. Even when having a good time, I am sad because my husband isn’t here to enjoy life with me.
It is hard to even describe.
Peaches
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Definitely agree Turkey.
We will always get moments when something triggers us and we feel we are right back at the beginning again.
Hope your music is still helping you.
Deborah
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I’m six months into my grief journey after my partner’s sudden death. We were together for almost forty years. My heart has been ripped out. I find it difficult to go out with friends or family as I just keep thinking about him all the time. I was at my niece’s birthday meal four months after he died. It was a restaurant I’d never been to before, so no memories of us being there together. All I could see were couples enjoying themselves. It just reinforced my loss and loneliness. Two months further on and I feel worse if anything.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could give you some comfort or words of wisdom. I am not sure things will get better - I doubt whether they ever will.
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There is only one thing you can do - do all that you can to keep his memory alive. He would do the same for you.
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Norma, what you are going through is normal, there will be swings of emotion, grief doesn’t run in a straight line, it goes up and down like a rollercoaster. The 6 month mark is hard because it seems like such along time and the realization that your partner is never coming back hits hard.
There was a lift at 4 months for me, then a dip, then a lift, then a dip. All I can tell you is you will get better at living with the loss. You will adapt.
It is 18 months for me and I still find it very hard to go out with family or friends. It’s not seeing couples together that gets me, it is that my husband is not here to enjoy times out with people.
I 100% promise that it does get better. Just not yet.
You’ll get there. It is inevitable.
Love,
Peaches
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Dear @PeachesDixon
You hit a chord with me,
I live sad too. Like you say , not in a dramatic, showy way. But in a quiet, personal way. Being sad is part of me now.
I have ‘happy’ moments like when my god daughter got married last August, and a couple of weeks ago when she told me she was pregnant, expecting in September.
But my inner self, my very essence, is just sad. And why shouldn’t it be. I wouldn’t say that Im happy being sad but I am at peace in carrying my grief with me. I’ve made it my best friend, because it keeps my husband very, very close to me. It’s personal and just between him and me, just like our marriage was.
Love, hugs and strength to you all
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Thank you , I really hope so. I couldn’t live like this forever
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Im 2 months in and he was the love of my life only the years. To make things even worse l am married and l am trying to hide my grief from my husband
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Cathphil - thank you for expressing it so well, yes, the inner self, our very essence is sad and the best we can do is be at peace with the grief. We learn to live with it.
What it looks like from the outside is nothing like how the inside feels.
Love and hugs,
We have made it this far which is proof we can survive this.
Peaches
Norma, I couldn’t open the window blinds in my house for 4 months.
The first months will become just a blur as you aren’t working with a functioning mind, just going through the motions. It’s a blessing, there is only so much we can carry.
I came here 2 weeks after my husband died, thought I was losing my mind and needing to talk to someone. I got immediate responses that everything I described was normal and that it would pass.
They were all correct. Each phase passes and before you realize it, you have indeed survived on your own. Knowing that you have already done it should give us all confidence that, yes, we will survive this.
It is a really hard path we are on but we are not alone. There are hundreds of us right here on this forum who “get it”.
Love,
Peaches
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Hi
I am fine is something we all say we feel it’s what.people want to here they dont want to know you are feeling like crap and your heart is shattered they don’t care as long as you paint that face on then they are happy my brothers are with me today and I do not normally see them together if they see me on this site they will be angry with me I do not.know what they expect me to do I better go of now.and get back to them and then they will not.know I feel.like a child bieng told what.to do.
Sassychic
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I don’t say “I am fine” anymore because it isn’t true. I don’t say how I am really feeling because others wouldn’t understand. So I just say “I’m still breathing”. They don’t know what to say to that, and I can carry on feeling broken-hearted.
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Hi
Why should we have yo hide how we feel this is normal and it’s a big part of life i am sick of saying I am fine iam sick of painting a smile on my face when I see them as if I am OK when I am not that just makes everything worse for me and now yesterday they made it even worse again by coming to see me and me thinking they care only to find out that one of them got my phone and ir was open and they got into here and did something I am not happy about and now.i have to try and sort this mess out they just say they are worried about.me well where have they been all this time I am just so angry with them I do not tell them what to do so please dont.tell me I told them now I have to clear there mess up yet again so annoyed
Sassychic
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So sorry to hear that. If your family are being so difficult, you may want to speak to your doctor to make sure that your GP is fully aware of what you want and don’t want to happen to you - so that no one can interfere and go against your wishes. Do you have someone you trust (who isn’t a member of the family who is being unhelpful) that you can confide in?
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We’re all guilty of saying I’m fine or I’m OK when we’re not. Perhaps we should be a bit more honest with people by saying I’m OK today but yesterday was awful or this has been a good week, but I don’t know how I’ll feel next week. We need them to understand that grief is not a linear process; it’s a back and forth, side to side, one step forward and two steps back rollercoaster ride. As Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.”
Just thinking out loud and wanted to share.
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