I’m grieving lost hope

My dad passed away 10 weeks ago. We hadn’t been in contact in last few years as he was an alcoholic and didn’t want help or anyone around him. I was his next of kin being his oldest child and it was an awful death but has come back as unassertained.

I feel heartbroken thinking about how I would explain the grief I’m going through. Probably because of how certain people ‘friends’ have treated me during this time as if it’s nothing, no big deal, even people saying ‘you didn’t keep in contact’ or ‘you didn’t speak anymore’.

I had grieved the lose of my dad along time ago. I absolutely despised who he became, a drunk, a full on alcoholic dependant mess, that chose the bottle over his kids, who didn’t want help (no matter how hard people tried), who could be viciously mean, and not be able to understand reasonable concepts. My dad that I loved so much had vanished and the tiny shreds that were left of him disappeared more and more as the years went by until he wasn’t there ever. I grieved that man.

However, now what I’m grieving is actually so much worse. I’m grieving hope that is now lost. I always had hope he might come back, that my dad might actually come back. He might finally see the light and get help, anything that might have brought him back but now hes dead and that can never happen and all hope is gone with him.

That is an unbearable pain, I’m
Trying to be strong but it’s so hard. My mums no hope, my brother and sister are both younger and I’m trying to support them. Friends that were supportive have almost forgot anything had happened. Just not sure how to cope. I’m guilt ridden and then feel I don’t have the right to be heartbroken.

Dear Ladeeda
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. My heart absolutely goes out to you at this dreadfully sad time.
My Dad also died suddenly in August and the grief is still very raw.
Many people try to be well meaning, but if they haven’t been through such a loss, and the pain of estrangement, and a complex family dynamic…they just don’t get it. There are some echoes about what you describe in my family too…have you been able to access some counselling or therapy?? It might be helpful to phone the Samaritans as you have so much to deal with and it’s not straightforward. I hope you find some strength. So sorry for everything you are confronted with. Sending warm wishes of support.

Grief and guilt, what a terrible combination… I had a very difficult relationship with my mum who died of cancer when I was 21, during her final months I wasn’t there for her to help and give comfort and I was crippled with guilt for many years, I’m now 49, it took me nearly 20 years to forgive myself and finally start grieving for her.

Ladeeda you had valid reasons to stay away from your dad, my dad drank heavily in the last years of his life and there were times when I considered walking away, he died very suddenly of a heart attack when I was 38 which was a huge shock and so traumatic I had a breakdown.

Please don’t torment yourself with guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty for, grieve for your dad and I understand the grief felt for the loss of hope, I feel exactly the same about my mum. Be kind to yourself and share your burden, my friends have been rubbish, saying all the wrong things and as in your experience they have no idea of the enormity of grief, they’ve moved on with their lives and left me behind.

You have friends here though, sending love. Jules xx