My dad passed away 10 weeks ago. We hadn’t been in contact in last few years as he was an alcoholic and didn’t want help or anyone around him. I was his next of kin being his oldest child and it was an awful death but has come back as unassertained.
I feel heartbroken thinking about how I would explain the grief I’m going through. Probably because of how certain people ‘friends’ have treated me during this time as if it’s nothing, no big deal, even people saying ‘you didn’t keep in contact’ or ‘you didn’t speak anymore’.
I had grieved the lose of my dad along time ago. I absolutely despised who he became, a drunk, a full on alcoholic dependant mess, that chose the bottle over his kids, who didn’t want help (no matter how hard people tried), who could be viciously mean, and not be able to understand reasonable concepts. My dad that I loved so much had vanished and the tiny shreds that were left of him disappeared more and more as the years went by until he wasn’t there ever. I grieved that man.
However, now what I’m grieving is actually so much worse. I’m grieving hope that is now lost. I always had hope he might come back, that my dad might actually come back. He might finally see the light and get help, anything that might have brought him back but now hes dead and that can never happen and all hope is gone with him.
That is an unbearable pain, I’m
Trying to be strong but it’s so hard. My mums no hope, my brother and sister are both younger and I’m trying to support them. Friends that were supportive have almost forgot anything had happened. Just not sure how to cope. I’m guilt ridden and then feel I don’t have the right to be heartbroken.