i’m new here

i lost my nan a few days before my birthday. she passed from terminal lung cancer that had spread to her brain. it would have been 3 years since her terminal diagnosis this january just gone. she had a stroke at the start of last year, and in september something changed. and everything went wrong.
part of me thought she was going to continue to beat the illness, she had already seen me through gcses and a levels. i think i was being selfish.
i got to see her two days before she passed, and i will always hate myself for not being able to sit with her and talk to her. i will always hate myself for being scared because i am sure she was 10 times more scared.
i am struggling a lot with guilt to an abnormal amount, and i miss her incredible amounts. i know its only been three months so its fresh but there were so many important dates right after, my birthday, christmas, new years, my grandads birthday, valentines day.
i just wanted some sort of outlet and to see other people who also struggle, without those people going through the loss of the same person as i am. its too hard to talk to my family or friends…


Dear @Erin1

Welcome to the Community. I am sorry to hear of your loss.

There is nothing selfish in wanting your nan around forever. I think we tend to forget that our relatives get old. What you are going through is normal. It is scary seeing a loved one who is ill as you do not know how you are going to re-act. There is no right or wrong way. Nothing can prepare you for this. No one wants to see a family member suffering.

Take comfort in that you got to see your nan 2 days before she passed hard as it is for you at the moment. The first year of losing a loved one is always hard due to the ‘1st anniversaries’ of birthdays, christmas etc.

You can connect with members here under the topic Lost My Nan who have experienced what you are going through. Type these words in the search bar.

The Sue Ryder website has bereavement information and support pages that will be of help to you.

Please continue to reach out and most importantly take of yourself.