Dear Emma. It’s awful not being able to grieve. I understand completely. I had a 3 year rather unconventional online relationship in USA. He passed away suddenly last Thursday. My heart is broken. No one knew about him. I live with someone and have to pretend everything id OK i feel numb. I can only say I understand. Xxx
Hi Emma.
Im so sorry for your loss
Im glad youve posted on this site. Everyone great compassiate caring understanding.
Hope you can confind in a friend or get the support you need at this time
Take care x
Hi Emma. I’m sorry for your loss and acknowledge your right to grieve. I have found that along with grief at losing my children years ago, I had so much shame around it that I never let myself grieve. Since some time has passed since the last reply, I hope you have been able to find the help you need. If not, please do get help. It’s hard enough to deal with grief and not being able to grieve, to have no reminders or momentos, but to know you can never share your grief due to the shame you feel around the loss makes it so much worse and can lead to a host of medical issues as well as continued emotional and mental pain if ignored. Be well.
Hi Emma.ive just read your story and it’s very similar to my own.i fell in love with someone I was not supposed to.and we together for 42 years but not living together he got sick one day and 10 days later he was gone .that was the day my life changed forever but I was with him when he died even though he had another life.the loss and the pain I feel is I indescribable. He was my life now I am alone so I know only too well what you are going through I also had counselling to no use.so please stay in touch .Kathleen
Hi Jonathan, I haven’t seen you for a while. Good to see you.
Hi Emma123
Your counsellor sounds rubbish, fancy saying things like that to you.
No judgement from me, grief is grief. I am the product of an extra-marital relationship, my Dad was and still is married to someone else. I lost my Mum 4 months ago and it was just her and me all my life. I couldn’t have asked for a better Mum and I always assumed I’d lose my Dad first and my Mum would be here to comfort me.
I’m sorry you are in such pain and I hope talking here helps in some way.
Oh Emma. I’m so sorry for your loss. How cruel life can be, I can’t imagine what you are going through. If you want to chat to me, feel free.
I’m sorry you are suffering alone with this Emma. This is dreadful to be left with this emotional burden of the secrecy of your relationship so abruptly terminated without anyones choice. This is terrible and I think you are carrying a very heavy load.
From what your counselling sessions seemed to achieve was just not making things better. I would recommend seeing a private psychotherapist if you can afford it (ask for a reduction if this is an issue) or go for bereavement counselling from an organisation that uses qualified counsellors and not just CBT practitioners who only do short courses not the 5 year course. Keep searching for this.
I think Emma that your terrible feelings of grief are also because of other things that lead up to you meeting him and the hope you had for your future with him. I can see that now the foundations of your life feel as though they may have collapsed. I think that it would be very difficult to move forward and trust in life again.
I wish you well and hope that you get to release all of this with a decent therapist who will see where you are at.
All the best wishes
T
Xx
I hope that the wise words from the other contributors who have replied offer you comfort. I echo their thoughts but would like to add something different.
Because I am completely alone and have no family I have had to navigate the grieving process without the usual support network. Counselling helped but that lasted but a short time so I had to resort to other means to deal with my grief.
One of the things that really helped me, and continues to do so, is writing a journal. I call it ‘Talking To Paper’ even though the paper is virtual as I write it on my computer, tablet or phone. In the journal I write the things that I really need to talk about but can’t because there is nobody to talk to.
Because the journal is for me and only me I can be completely open and honest about my feelings. Re reading my entries helps me to make sense of the things that I am going through and it validates me and my emotions. It also enables me to see just how much progress I have made in the time since my husband died.
I use a programme called Day One but there are other journaling programmes out there, and there is also real pen and paper.
Try it. You have nothing to lose and it might help.
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Thanks for the information. I will give it a try.