I m not allowed to grieve....

Please read me to the end before judging…
I will summarise as I find it hard to explain…
A few years ago I fell in love with a married man, we had a relationship up to the day he suddenly passed away.
I was unable to say goodbye, I am unable to tell anyone I lost someone …I have to continue life as if nothing happened and I m dying inside every day a little bit more. My pain is nothing comparing to his family s pain and a lot of people on this site …
But I miss him so much, I couldn t say goodbye, I have nothing left of him , no photos nothing.
We talked every day for 3 yrs , and just like that everything stopped .
So I continue as normal , so that I don t have to explain or hurt more people by what we did. But I cry all the time , everywhere as soon as I am alone. My heart is not into anything anymore. I want to scream i am hurting, I am grieving and I can t…
I don t see the light at the end of the tunnel…it s been 8 months and I still feel exactly as the day I found out.
I know what I did was wrong but the price to pay now is very very high, I m drowning more every day.
Thank you for reading me.

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I’m so sorry for your loss and it must be so painful not being able to openly grieve :cry: Isn’t there a friend who you can confide in? Talking really does help. XxX

No …no one…no one was aware of his existence in my life and my existence in his life…I would have to explain 3 yrs of my/his life and I can t do that…not on my own without him…
But I get what you are saying, and I guess it is why I looked for online…I ve never posted anything online before…

hi Emma
im not one to judge anyone,and whether you knew him 3 years or 2 weeks or if your his partner or not,obviously he needed or wanted you in his life.sorry you are unable to grieve openly,surely you have a close friend you can confide in and get a little comfort or support.sorry for your loss and hope you are able to find ways to cope

Neither had I Emma but it really helped reading everyone’s stories and realising you aren’t the only one going through this agony. Hopefully there will be someone who understands the extra pressures you’re facing. We shouldn’t judge anyone because we have no idea what’s coming our way. XxX

Thank you…
I tried …but I just can t …for a lot of different reasons …I know I need to find a way to deal with it …I m not doing well up to now, I m just desperate to feel something else than pain and do sthing else than crying…

Hi ,
I’d suggest seeing a counsellor , they. won’ t judge you and you will be able to say whatever you want to and need to about your loss.
You may need to find somebody privately Cruse have long waiting lists in most areas.
You need to find somebody qualified you feel comfortable with who understands grief.
Some have a free trial session. Hope this helps. Sadme


Thank you …

So sorry Emma. What you are experiencing is known as “disenfranchised” grief. A grief not sanctioned by society, but nevertheless valid and life altering to you. Your feelings are real and you have every right to them. You loved someone, and now you’ve lost him. That emptiness can not just be ignored. You must find a safe and healthy outlet, for all that you are bottling up inside.
I am glad you found this site. No one will judge you here. The good folks on this forum are some of the kindest, most compassionate you will ever find. Here you will feel less alone. I concur with Sadme, that the right Counsellor might be a good start in getting your feelings sorted out, with someone who can be totally objective. Please post again. So sorry for your loss and the added pain around it. Take care of yourself. Xxxx Sister2


Thank you for your kind words…
I did go to counselling, maybe I did not find the right person, the focus was very much on what I have,not what I have lost. I felt low that it didn t bring me any relief. I see my story as 3yrs of happiness for a lifetime of hurting alone. I feel somehow I am being punished and I deserve it.
The counsellor said things could have been worse, I could have lost my family, we could gave caused more pain to his by them finding out after death…maybe …but what about all the pain I feel…he literally just disappeared so did our story without anyone telling me or comforting me…
But thank you for taking the time to read me and your words are helpful…knowing there is a name for it helps too. Thank you

Hi. Emma. Criticism or judgement have no place whatsoever in your situation and you will find none here. Neither has any form of guilt. Your life played out as all our lives do and we can so often look back with guilt and remorse when it’s so unnecessary. No one knows what’s in store for them.
The counsellor you saw was not at all helpful, but that does not mean you can’t find someone who is. Bereavement counsellors are best because you have suffered a life trauma.
‘Sister2’ is right. ‘Disenfranchised’ grief is not uncommon. There are so many hidden aspects of our lives that may not be sanctioned by society, but who is society to judge?
“Let he among ye who is without sin cast the first stone” .
Wise words from long ago. Everyone has secrets, and when we are unable to be able to open up to someone it makes it so much more difficult. You are NOT being punished for some imagined ‘sin’. Feeling that will only make you feel more guilt and remorse.
Come back to us all whenever you want to unload. We are all good listeners. Day at a time. An old cliche but true.
Blessings and sending good wishes.

I cried when I read your words…thank you fir those kind words…
One day at a time is my mantra…or more one hour at a time, I try to put into practice all we talked aboutt when we were together, positivity, life, etc etc . It s all false for now and it s all pretence but I feel myself going down each day more…so I try harder…
I m 45, healthy physically. I get days when I think my time is up, and days when I think I still gave time to be happy and enjoy life. I know how precious life is. I know how good it can be. But I don f know how to move on from the trauma of one day he s there the next he s not and I’m nothing in the story of his life.
I worry the pain will never go away , sometimes it is do so strong I can t breathe and i cry for hours to release it , or to release something.
At a time of grief , I just needed space and people to be considerate of my pain, yet I have to go on as nothing happened. Grieving in total silence and constantly hiding it. Because life puts us in each other a way and we fell in love at the wrong time.
Sorry. …I went on and on…!!
Thank you for your kind words, I needed to read something like this today…

Thank you Sheila…you are right…there is no other answer …I ve been rereading all these answers and it brings me a little bit of comfort to know not everyone judges and I am entitled to hurt too. I know deep inside I will forever go through this on my own because there is no other way. I ve asked myself that question again and again…if I had known, would have I still said yes to all that…I think I would , despite sometimes thinking not feeling anything would be better than feeling as I am now…
Thank you Sheila

Dear Emma, I read your post today - and all I can say is that you felt what you did (of course I do not know the details and it’ s not my place to say yes or no to you), but I went thru something like this myself some time ago. I was married , but she didn’t think we were compatible, so she told me she wanted her freedom and wanted to move on. Sure, I still loved her, but as I look back on it, it wouldn’t have worked -even to this day. It’s such a long story, but it seems that love is love (hope I’m on the right track), if you loved this man, then who can possibly pass judgement. Certainly, I don’t. We do not live in a perfect world - otherwise everything would be like they show on the TV. You loved and he loved you too, that’s how I see it. I hope you will be OK. If not, write us all back. We want to help!

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Hello Emma
I’ve just your post , i just had to reply to you. I can only imagine what you are going through at the moment. Whatever the circumstances you have lost and are grieving for someone you loved very much. Being unable to speak of your loss is unimaginable . I think that counselling with a bereavement counsellor would be good for you. Can you discuss things with your doctors. Hopefully they would suggest a more suitable person for you. I believe Sueryder offer counselling through this site too.
I’m thinking of you, take care of yourself.
Lucy x

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Hi Emma
I am so sorry about what you are going through.
Its heartbreaking because you loved the person.
I do understand what you are going through because whilst my situation is not the same as yours there are bits which are similar so I relate to so I do understand the great pain you must be going through.
Just hold on to the memories. Allow yourself the space to grieve.
Take great care

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Hi Emma 123. I want to tell you that my story is exactly like yours I lost my wonderful love of my life a year ago he was married we worked together and we were together for 42 years we loved each other but had to hide it for all them years and then he got sick and lasted 1o days only after getting the diagnosis of cancer.he was my world and like you I cannot show my pain. Although I do have a friend that did know the story.but lives quite a long way from me. I cry all the time even though it’s a yr now.already. I still cannot accept the fact that he died.i have had counselling but honestly did not help.nothing helps.the pain of grief and loss is so terrible so I do feel your pain. Please keep in touch it might help to get it all out take care

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I do really feel for your pain
I lost my husband Roy in January we have been married 48 years 27th May
It’s hard for me because apart from being on my own, it’s the first time I have lived on my own
You can speak to me anytime
You must of loved him or you wouldn’t feel as you do
I cry every day still

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Hi Emma, I am so sorry you feel so sad and have no one to understand how you feel. Apart from the right or wrong of the relationship he must have loved you very much to have shared 3 years with you. There are always 2 sides to a story and what you had together must have been very important to him. I think the first thing you must do is be kind to yourself and realise that for whatever reason he needed and wanted you in his life. If you made him happy and he made you happy do not let guilt spoil that. No one can take your memories from you and he will always be in your heart. He would not want you to suffer I am sure. For your own well being you have to speak to someone. Counselling can be very expensive but there are organisations like cruise. If you go online you will find more. Keeping it inside is not good for you. Please try to keep positive. Keep using this site as the people are all going through their own grief so totally understand and can offer support which is totally non judgmental. Please be kind to yourself. Kate xxx


Dear Emma,
I cannot add to anything which has already been said, I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreak.
I would not presume to judge anyone, you did what you did which was right for you and for your man. Throughout my 80 years, I have learned to take on board any troubles, heartache and grief which life throws at us.
Take care of yourself, please stay in touch, you could not have found a more compassionate caring group of people than the members of this forum.
We are your friends, albeit virtual friends, anything you share will not go any further.
Please be kind to yourself, the love of your life will rest in peace safe in the knowledge that you genuinely loved each other.
ps Have you considered talking to your GP?

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