My mam passed away on Sunday after a long battle with cancer. I honestly thought i’d be a complete wreck but I’m actually relatively ok? I feel like I have a massive knot inside and I am certainly not happy but not as sad as I should be either. Has anyone else experienced this?
Hi ,
There is no particular way you should feel when somebody dies .
You feel how you feel and it will probably change day to day in the weeks ahead.
I think when people have been ill for a long time there is often a bit of relief that their suffering is over.
Relief and disbelief.
At the moment it probably hasn’t sunk in yet and everything is a bit unreal , take time to grieve for your mum.
Does that make sense?
I hope you find support and understanding on this site.
Do whatever feels right for you.
Take care Jx
It’s early days yet. My wife died in a care home last November, and when I was told my first emotion was one of relief that she no longer suffered. She was not in physical pain but mental distress with dementia. After a while the full realisation hit me as to what this loss really meant. It was then I began to grieve.
Now I am not for one moment suggesting it will happen to you. We all do this grieving thing in our own way. If you can take the pain better than others then there’s nothing at all wrong with that. Our temperaments dictate how much we will suffer. How sad is as sad as you should be? If you have not experienced such a distressing loss before how would you know? There is no time scale to mourning, or any scale to suffering. Taking it day by day is all we can do, and seek support of course. To me ‘going it alone’ is not an option. But, once again, it does depend on the individual.
May I suggest you stay on this site and pop in now and then. No matter how you feel your contribution can maybe help someone who is experiencing similar problems. Best wishes.
Hi Phebuek, Please do not worry about not feeling sad enough after losing your mother. You say your mother had suffered from Cancer for a long time. I suspect you were grieving as you saw her health deteriorate, possibly when visiting her and realising there was nothing you could do to alter the sad situation. Maybe you were helping her, if you were near enough, or were upset that you could not do as much as you would have liked due to distance. Lack of tears does not mean that you do not care. Save your energy for later for when you may suddenly feel your loss, or are involved perhaps in clearing up the necessary paperwork after a death. If you see other family members distressed at the loss of your mother, I am sure they, and you will be comforted that you are in a position to help them. Some people cannot cry when faced with a death of a loved one, but feel numb instead. We are all affected differently at such times. Take care of yourself. With my thoughts and prayers. Deidre.
Hi Phoebeuk,
So sorry for your loss.
My Mum passed on the 25th of May. She had dementia and then passed suddenly with pneumonia. Our Mum was cared for dearly by my little sister and elder brother.
I too have have felt that I should be a total wreck. I thought I would go completely off the rails. Although I am filled with such indescribable pain… Iv been ok. I think what you are feeling is a certain numbness. You realise your Mum is no longer suffering. That itself provides some solace. Im not sure how grieving is supposed to go but we all deal with our loss our own way.
I believe that Mum has prayed and asked God to give me and my family strength to get through this. To cope, to be grateful of the time we had together. Our Mum wouldn’t want us to be sad, to fall to pieces. I strongly believe this and I believe your Mum did the same for you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond. There was so much suffering in the last couple of months that you’re probably right about a feeling of relief. My feelings are slowly coming through and I’m dealing with them as an when they pop up. Take care xx
Thank you for taking the time to respond and I am very sorry for your loss. There was so much suffering in the last couple of months that you’re probably right about a feeling of relief. My feelings are slowly coming through and I’m dealing with them as and when they pop up. It is like you say the realisation of what you have lost. I feel like not only have I lost my Mam but also my best friend. This has left a huge hole in my life and that is what I have to deal with I guess. Take care xx
Thank you for taking the time to respond. There was so much suffering in the last couple of months and I was with her almost every minute of the day that I definitely experienced some grief before she even passed. It was such a painful time that I’m sure there was some relief when it was over. My feelings are slowly coming through and I’m dealing with them as and when they pop up. I feel like not only have I lost my Mam but also my best friend. This has left a huge hole in my life and that is what I have to deal with I guess. Take care xx
Thank you for taking the time to respond and I am very sorry for your loss. There was so much suffering in the last couple of months and I was with her through most of it. My feelings are slowly coming through and I’m dealing with them as and when they pop up. I feel like not only have I lost my Mam but also my best friend. This has left a huge hole in my life and that is what I have to deal with I guess. However you are right that they wouldn’t want us to fall apart and give up on life. Take care xx