Hello all
This is my first post and I’m grateful to have a space to share without having to worry about people panicking about me!
I lost my darling Dad only 4 weeks ago on 30th June. I watched him die a slow and very painful death at home. My Mum who has Alzheimer’s had also been in hospital for a month so they were both at home, with hospital beds next to eachother. The flat was chaotic in the weeks leading up to his death with carers, nurses, physios, OT’s and hospice nurse coming in and out. I didn’t know who to worry about first. I had to make decisions, organise, make appointments, millions of calls. I felt like a hospital ward manager.
And beneath all of that I had to watch my once strong, funny Daddy decline. Week by week, day by day and hour by hour. It was his wish to have no tests, hospitals or scans and to die at home. I honoured his wish.
But this resulted in the most painful, horrific and slow death. Why did no one tell me how much worse it would be for him? Another post for another time.
My feelings; so when my Dad was taken away hours after he died, I did my howling into a pillow. Literally moments after I saw my Dad in a body bag at 4am, my Mum announced that she had soiled herself. My sister and I had to clean her. I looked up and said ‘Lord why???’
My brief history is that I had extensive childhood trauma and a breakdown in 2013, then diagnosed with bipolar caused by the trauma. For the past 4 years after 3 years of intense therapy I have been doing amazingly well. Only on half of the meds I was on and functioning brilliantly, symptom free.
Now, after what I have been through I am petrified of sinking again. Apart from grieving, processing those horrific images of my dying Dad and having to clean up both of my parents like babies, the stress continues as my Mum’s Alzheimer’s is worse than ever. I go every day (she has a live in carer) and every time I get up to leave she gets so upset which makes me feel guilt.
I’m emotionally exhausted, in pain, distressed, angry, guilty and every emotion I can think of.
North London hospice have a ten week waiting list for grief counselling, it’s too soon to qualify for SR online counselling and I’ll call my GP on Monday but I doubt I’ll get anything with NHS anytime soon.
I cannot crash again and end up on a psych ward. It’s not fair on my two beautiful daughters. Help!!!
Hello @Missingdad,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
It sounds like you have been and are going through an awful experience 
. I have also been through similar experiences and can relate to how it feels. I lost my mum in June 2019 to cancer, she wanted to die at home too. She had bouts of severe pain which left us (me and my dad) in the situation of having to see her in agony for hours until a district nurse was finally able to come. As she had brain tumours she became really difficult to look after in her last few weeks so she was taken into hospital and then moved to a hospice. Ive been a worrier my whole life, but my mums ill health made my anxiety turn into a real issue and I had to start on medication and go up to quite a high dose and have counselling and CBT. My Dad was then diagnosed with cancer in August 2020 and had lots of treatment for it but once he had been ok for awhile I felt well enough to start reducing my meds (I nearly got off them altogether). Then my Dad became really ill in July 2023 and passed away in December 2023. I was off work for about 5 months when he was unwell and then after he passed, I increased my meds again and had cbt from november to february this year. Then went back to work when i felt ok again. Unfortunately im back off work again as im struggling with anxiety and depression again. I got referred for more intensive therapy when my last lot of cbt ended and luckily I should be starting that very soon, which im sure will help.
I just want to say you have done and are doing an amazing job caring for your parents. I think you need to see your GP and might have to look at increasing your meds and getting some talking therapy to get you through this difficult time. It is an awful time and you need to look after yourself too. See if your GP knows of any local Mental Health charities that can help you, as you can normally get an appointment with them pretty quickly, maybe while youre on the waiting list for NHS therapy. Or if you have the funds, going private is another option. Remember there is also 24/7 helplines you can call too like the samaritans, just to talk to if you’ve had a particularly tough day.
Welcome to the Community and thank you for reaching out.
So sorry for your loss and your current circumstances. 
The good thing is that you have recognised that this might have an impact on your MH.
Speak with your GP today, ask if Surgery has a Social Practitioner.
Stay strong for your Daughters and remember it’s what your Dad would have wanted.
Look after yourself and the community is here for you
I am so very sorry.
That is so much to deal with.
You are doing the right thing by sharing on here.
People are so kind and supportive.
I don’t know if you have tried this but have you phoned 111?
People may think it is just for physical illness but I know locally they have an option for talking about mental health.
There is also MIND and of course Sue Ryder has pointers and counselling information.
There is such a long waiting list for bereavement counselling where I live and so many people needing it.
Sending a big hug.
Rose xx
Thankyou Rose. Yes I am going to call the Mental Health team today. It’s kind of you to reply x
I hope something can be arranged.
I understand xx