I’m so lost and broken

Hello I’m not sure where to begin. I don’t even know what to do. Last year 20-07-2020 my wonderful husband went out on his motorbike to get a few things. He never came home. He was in an accident with a van. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. I’m loving a nightmare every day. Everyone has just got on with life. But I’m stuck. I’ve not left the house since August last year and that was his funeral. I can’t even go in the garden. I’m
Disabled and Martin was my everything. He was my best friend, my rock, my soulmate and so much more. I’m going through so many stages of grief I
Don’t know what’s going on. I’m
Angry sometimes, I’m overeating sweets to feel a hole of pain that’s never ending. I spend most of my time in my room. I’ve started pulling my hair out. I’m just a complete mess. I know that if I ask for help from a doctor or counsellor then that’s me admitting Martin has gone and not coming home. I can’t do that. People say it gets easier over time. Trust me it doesn’t or it hasn’t for me. Thanks for reading this. I just didn’t know what rose to do.


Angel, yes you do sound in a bit of a mess but you are not alone. I don’t think any of us really admit that our special person has truly gone, if we a honest. We talk to them, sing to them and hope they will walk through the door even after some years. Counselling would help and no you are not saying that your husband has gone because he is and always will be part of you, it’s just a different way of looking at it. Please think because I am sure he would not be happy seeing you as you describe yourself. Life changes and somehow we have to change with it and we know it’s not easy. Both Sue Ryder and Cruse is free and your doctor could refer you to NHS counselling but please don’t cry alone. Big hugs and blessings. S xx

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Dear Angel

My story is similar to yours in many ways. September last year my husband went out on his motorbike never to return. Grief, particularly anger, is overwhelming. The inquest brought no closure. There are days I just spend in bed. But we have two grandson’s - one born after my husband died which added another layer of heartache - and my husband had said he would look after them so parents could work and pay mortgage.

We all deal with grief in different ways. I resisted having counselling but eventually contacted Cruse. The person I had just listened and let me talk, sometimes about anything and everything.

My grief still cuts as deep as the first minute I was told by the Police he had not survived the crash. I have shrunk my world to just a handful of friends who I can talk to over the phone, cry and rant. I hope that you can surround yourself with family/friends and just take it day by day.

I am thinking of you.

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Hello Susie
Thankyou. It’s just so difficult. One minute I’m calm the next I’m a mess. He was only 48. My kids always tell me that he wouldn’t want to see me so sad and upset. That he is always with me. I get that they are just worried about be.

Hello Sheila I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve just backed away from everyone. My son and daughter in law live with me. I see my daughter, her husband and my 2 granddaughters. That’s it. I tend to talk to strangers online in a group I’m in for anxiety and depression. The thing is I have not told the group about losing Martin. But one of the admin who messages me everyday knows. She is great and we can talk about all sorts.
I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare. As you probably know, the pain is so overwhelming. Our love story was far from over, I just want him back so we can continue. Please take care x

Dear Angel

We are told not to withdraw but not all of our so-called friends can understand our utter despair or support us as we need so I find it better to just now deal with a small group of trusted people. It is up to you when and who you tell of the circumstances. I refuse to use the ‘W’ word and still consider myself married.

Our daughter lives down in the South East but tries to come home when she can work and lockdowns permit. Our son lives 2 miles away so not far to travel. Like you I feel this is just a nightmare and I will wake or a TV programme that I am just looking in on and it has not really happened to us.

I was four months off from retirement, our Ruby wedding would have been next year. Husband had just turned 60. We had so many adventures still to enjoy together.

I have to be honest I hated the motorbike and begged him to give it up but he would not. This is the primary focus of my anger but I try to live by what I told our kids the night my husband died which was that we could not allow the bike to win, they were not to allow it to take their lives. Easier said than done of course in the sad reality we find ourselves in.

I note that you also have grandchildren. Now that their granda is not here I try to keep going so that I can tell our grandson’s about the hardworking and loving man that my husband was/is and always will be. We are the keepers of the memories/stories to be shared.

I hope that both of us find the strength to take small steps back into our families lives.

Take care.
Sheila x

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Morning Sheila
I wish I had told my husband to not get a bike. But when I met him he had one. So o felt bad if I was to say don’t get another one. But now I wish I had said something. I hate the things.

Dear Angel6872

Just returned from the remembrance service for my husband. Cried and cried.

My husband only got the bike when he turned 45. The 15 years experience counted for nothing. Bike versus vehicle is never going to win and I told him this regularly. When the police answered his mobile I knew that my worst fears were about to come true. That day continues to haunt me, although not as regularly as the early days.

The reality is they will not listen if they are intent on having a motorbike so please do not feel any guilt in regards to this.