I’m struggling.

Hi everyone,
I lost my Grandad on the 23rd may and im really struggling to cope, I don’t know how to cope even.
I know people may think it’s just my grandad but my grandad wasn’t just a grandad, he’s the only man who stayed around and who wanted to be the male role model in my life, he was my absolute heart & soul.
10 years ago he was diagnosed with gullet cancer and he survived that massive operation and the chemo. Then he got pneumonia and went back in to hospital, after that he was never the same, as far as I remember he had this tremor in his hand, after been admitted with pneumonia he got diagnosed with Parkinson’s and dementia so over the years he deteriorated, and on the 11th may we was told he was on end of life, which wasn’t imminent ( what ever that means) I ended going back home to my family and staying for the night but he just got worse by the day so I stayed, we had carers and nurses come in every day to help him, he was moved in to a hospital bed in the front room with one of us beside his bed all day/all night. The nurses and carers came in and out telling us it won’t be long now as his breathing changed and his colour went. On the 23rd may I’d been up and down all night so I went for a little nap as I was exhausted. Then at 15:05pm I heard the shout from my uncle to my gran MUM MUM, then my mum shouting get Adele now I woke up ran out of bed there we all were while he was struggling for breath and taking his last ones my sister text about something she only just left that morning to sort my niece out I text her back and said get here now at 15:10 my sister pulled up and my Grandad took his last breath it was like he knew she pulled up and we was all there but didn’t want her to see (she’s 11 years younger than me). I had a massive panic attack after it happened tried to ring my husband (he knew as soon as he picked up the phone) I didn’t know what else to do I needed him with me he had to travel from Sheffield & he got here in an hour ( I’m waiting for the speeding tickets)
With out going into the other bits as I suppose most will know. I’m here now back at home in Sheffield in my pub with work keeping me busy and sometimes I forget through the day but then at night, I can’t sleep, I see him taking his last breaths I hear the shouts, I hear all sorts of things and I can’t sleep I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since it happened and I’m struggling I don’t know how to get the noises or the images from my head to let me settle, and I feel silly talking to someone who doesn’t understand & I don’t know who else to turn too!
Sorry for the long post. X

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Dear Adele

On behalf of us all at Sue Ryder, please accept how deeply sorry we are for the loss of your grandad. He was clearly the most important and loving man in your life and right now you need support, which you will get from here.

I think it was good you wrote down exactly what you and your grandad had to deal with over the past ten years.

Watching someone you love struggle as they pass leaves a lingering impression. I can only say the pain and tears you are experiencing right now is a natural reaction to what you witnessed. It’s early days and hard to accept. How good that you as a family were all able to be together to say goodbye, I hope it’s something you can treasure in time.

You sound a close family, so the absence of your grandad is a terrible loss. You will find support and kindness on here, and there is a counselling helpline if you ever need it.

Thinking of you Adele and your family.