I didn’t realize how much I loved and depended on my June until she passed. It’s been 8 months nearly and I’m still crying and feeling lost. I do talk to her, maybe more than I used to.
I gather that time takes away the rawness, the edge, the physical pain. I don’t know. I still hurt, and I don’t think I want that to be over, I don’t want to forget the love and friendship we had. I hear the “be kind to yourself”, but, why? June and I are soulmates, but one of us has moved on.
I had 45 years married to June, and 3 years before that together – teenage sweethearts, a cliché, but true. Many ups and downs over the years, but she chose to stay with me, not sure why, but so glad she did. I always said that I was the lucky one and she agreed!
I’ve now had 2 friends start to say it’s time to “move on”, not in those words of course, “when you meet a new companion” and “as it gets easier”. I don’t want a new companion, I don’t want it to get easier. They mean well, but they have no idea.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I have no reason to be. My child is an adult making their own way doing reasonably well. I have no interest in anything anymore. I wake up and think “another day to get through” and go to bed hoping that I’ll be with her again.
My affairs are in order and the family members I given the details to are not comfortable, and say that there’s no need. They don’t understand that I don’t want to be here, but that June and I needed to have our affairs in order so that our child doesn’t have to worry. I mentioned it to my sister and she thought it was weird and a “bit spooky”.
Sorry, rambling a bit, probably a glass of red too much.
I miss us. I miss having June there watching rubbish on TV, someone I didn’t have to speak to understand what she was feeling, or she me.
We are a team. I always knew that whatever happened, June had my back. I made some serious errors over our time together and she was always there – “what can WE do to sort this”. Yes, she criticized me and read me the riot act on many occasions, but she was there for me, and me for her.
Sorry for rambling, I’m not doing very well today