I Miss Him So Much

It’s been five weeks since I lost my husband, he was gone so sudden within an hour, no warning, no illness.
I look at his chair in the living room and at the kitchen table and I know he’s gone but I can’t get it into my head that I won’t ever see him again, won’t here him laugh or feel his arm around my waist.
We were together for 31 years since we were 17, November would have been our 20th wedding anniversary, we married on my birthday and now it will be just a reminder of what I’ve lost, I’m dreading it.
The kids are back at school but I’m dreading going back to work, I work with customers in a very busy branch and I don’t think I can cope with them. Even getting on the train will be hard as we travelled to and from work together, every part of my life had him in it, he was my best friend, the only one I ever needed, I think that’s the worse part is that he was the one I would turn to so what do I do now?
I’ve had to grapple with still waiting for cause of death and trying to sort out probate and it’s all too much. I feel so cheated out of the life I was looking forwards to, places still to visit, retirement, watching our children grow up and finish school, start work, fall in love, marry, have grandchildren.
I’m just sad all the time.


Lilyboost, I can feel your pain in your post and my heart goes out to you. We, all on this site have and still feel that pain, sadness and emptiness after our soulmate has left us. It’s hard and nothing I say will stop that horrible feeling, it does get easier but he will always be there, he’s part of you.
If you don’t feel that you can deal with work have a word with your GP because they are there to help and they may also suggest counselling. The train is something that would worry me and just a thought, take the children for a train trip out just to break that awful feeling, they don’t need to know why.
You know five weeks is such a short time in this horrible journey of grief and dealing with probate is not the easiest of jobs, so you are doing really well. Be kind to yourself and take time out just for yourself, your strength shows through your post. Take extra care of yourself because at present you are very vulnerable both physically and mentally. Blessings being sent to you and the children. S xxx

1 Like

I am sorry that you have found yourself in the same position as many of us and in need of this site. My husband went out for a run, collapsed and died - he was 50. We are still waiting to find out why, nearly 6 months later. I have the same feelings. I’ve had to watch my daughter graduate without her father there and so will my son when his course finishes. I feel cheated. We were together since we were 16 and I have never really known adult life without him. We had so much more to do together and it’s all been snatched away. Life is cruel. You may find refuge in grief.com useful - it’s by someone who lost her partner suddenly. All we can do is take it a day at a time or sometimes an hour at a time. Take care and keep posting.

1 Like

Thank you both, I am so thankful I found this forum, reading the post makes realise that how I’m feeling is as normal as anything can be. I’m sorry that we all have to be here, but I draw comfort in your words. I try so hard to keep it together, mainly for my kids, if I breakdown when I’m talking to my mum, she starts crying and I just feel worse. So I keep it mainly inside. My mother in law suggested writing a daily diary and that has helped a lot, She has sadly lost her husband, and now 2 sons in 6 years so she understands but I don’t want to overburden her.
I have been on the train with the kids since, passing my work stop was hard but getting off there is unbearable, walking down the stairs that I would kiss him goodbye on as he rushed to get his connecting train feels so raw.

Dear Lilyboost

So sad to read your post. I lost my husband a year ago in a tragic motorbike accident. Had spoke with him only three hours earlier. We too were together from 17/18 and married for 38. I have never lived alone until now. We have two adult children. Our son already had one baby with another on the way when his dad died. The second grandson born this year. We had already planned our retirement and now none of this will be achieved.

All I can say is that this is very early days for you. Just take your time on things. I am going through probate also and it is a long drawn out process. There was also an Inquest. Perhaps if you have a trusted family member or friend they could help take some of the burden from you in this respect.

I hope you have good friends and family for support. Thinking of you and family.

1 Like