It’s coming up to my first years anniversary of losing my dearest husband, he died on the 12th of August, suddenly at 48. We were married for 19 years and together for 31. The closer I get to the anniversary the more overwhelmed I am feeling and I don’t really know how to mark the day. Everything I do or go my mind repeats “this time last year, he was still here, walking home with me, eating dinner with me, talking about our day at work, talking about the kids, our plans, things still to do”. I feel so very alone and I miss his arms around me. I’ve realised no one hugs me like him, an all encompassing hug, he was taller than me, bigger than me and I felt so safe and comfortable in his hug, at peace, at home. The children hug me and my mum but it’s not that tight, protecting hug from ‘my person’ and I am so lost, I get up, go to work, come home, cook, spend time with the kids and that it, there is no me now I’ve disappeared.
Hi @Lilyboost, I am with you, totally. I also live for my two grownup kids. I see so much of their dad in them, not just physically. My daughter especially worries about me, poor thing, always sending me whatsapp msgs when she’s out, my son is more reserved, quiet, doesn’t show his feelings, a bit like me.
I also miss my husband’s loving arms, his beautiful smile, snuggling my feet in between his, before falling asleep, and in Winter, him crying out jokingly: “oh, your feet are frozen!!!”
I see you live in London, I was actually born and grew up there (Italian parents). Left when I was 26,and have been living in Italy (where I met my lovely soulmate) ever since. I also lost him much too prematurely (57),so suddenly from a heart attack, just like that, in a matter of minutes, how can that be? A fit and healthy person, no warning signs, that’s why I called my first thread here “Everlasting shock”, and I still am in this state.
Sending you strength and comfort,and wishing you all here a good night.
You have hit a nerve with me also.
We are a family of “huggers” and I so miss her hugs and cuddles and being told how much she loved me.
I honestly miss the hugs so very much.
In my prayers, john
Aw… Lilyboost,
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about this time last year, it will be a year for me in November.
As you say its the everyday things that come up where I think, this time last year we did this and that.
Its just so heartbreaking, I also know what you mean about the hugs, I always felt so safe and loved wrapped up in Petes arms. A strange thing happened the other day, Petes dad who’s 91 now was leaving my house and gave me a big hug and I said to him, you give great hugs just like your son!
And he smiled and said “that’s cos I taught him” it was so sweet.
Pete was the double of his Dad and I find myself thinking he should have been here till he looked like he does.
His poor Dad also keeps saying why am I still here? I’ve had a wonderful life and was ready to go and Pete was not finished living.
I know it’s not the same but I’m glad you have children to give you hugs.
Sending love
Muldool
Thank you Muldool,
I am so very grateful for my kids, my son is the spitting image of his Dad and it both breaks and gladdens my heart to look at him.
I went to see my mother in law at the weekend first time since the funeral last September, (she doesn’t live near me) I was nervous as I didn’t want us to upset the other but it did me good to see her. It is hard on her as she has lost her husband, her middle son (he was only just 50) and now her youngest son (my husband at 48) so much pain I don’t know how she gets up each day. I am trying to keep busy through the weekend and my son wants to go to the science museum so we are doing that on the anniversary as I don’t think I can bear to sit in the house surrounded by those awful memories. I’m hoping if I’m busy enough the day will pass, although going through a whole year without him brings deeper feelings on loss and loneliness. Lots of love x
Everything about your post is the same as me. My hubby was 49, 18 yrs married, unexpected, shock death. He was super fit. He’s 6ft3 im 5ft2. Strong amazing man. The biggest, safest hugs. I miss them so much. I am blessed with our children, our son is his double, size and everything. His hugs are very good but it’s never going to be the same. I miss him so so much. Its still very raw, only being 9 weeks. Head is still all over the place, but I know how you feel, as I’m feeling your pain. Like many others on this site.
Sending lots of love 
Faylou
I’m so very sorry for your loss, it is still very early for you, I know I was a jumble of emotions then, even now I can find myself crying out of the blue, I have more control now and most of the time can hold it in until I am alone. Our husbands live on in our children, but it never stops hurting, some days I am so angry that my future was ripped away, but I am so grateful to have had him in my life, take care xx
I am so grateful we had him for the time we did, just wish it was longer . We had our whole lives planned out. I was blessed to meet him and he was the most amazing man. He was and is my everything. He made me complete. It’s very surreal still, but I am coming to terms with the loss, I just wish it wasn’t our little family that had to go through this. Life is so so cruel.
I hope it does get easier, many people who have walked in my shoes tell me it does, but as you say the pain will always be there, until we meet again. 
Thankyou for your message