I lost my husband suddenly & unexpectedly in October he had been feeling unwell for a while & was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer but at the end of September he collapsed at home & we found out he had cancer he died in the October 3 weeks & 6 days later. We had been told 6 days before he died he had 5 to 8 months left to live. I still cannot accept he’s gone forever! I wish I could go back in time & notice when he started to feel unwell to change what happened. I feel so guilty for not doing anything I just kept saying go to the doctors if you feel unwell! I wish I’d just to took him there & then every single time so the doctors would notice quicker that something was seriously wrong. I feel like I let him down greatly & the guilt is overwhelming.
Yes,I am feeling guilty too because if I had got my husband here sooner on the visa from Jamaica then maybe he would still be alive.He was shot dead two weeks ago.Men are stubborn best of times about seeing a doctor,same thing happened to Uncle Kev but then I lost my brother in law to cancer at 39.Life is so cruel but we mustn’t blame ourselves.Am sorry for loss and sending hugs xxx
Sorry for your loss
Hindsight is always dangerous, but the feeling of guilt and what you could have done differently is always there.
My partner passed away from metastatic colorectal cancer and I replay the last two years, prior to diagnosis, over and over - was there a red flag I missed
And during her illness, could I have been more expedient in acquiring treatments that may have made the difference.
Guilt is par for the course, unfortunately
You don’t say what type of cancer, but given the short time frame it must have been very advanced and aggressive, and by the time he had symptoms it was too late - a few weeks earlier unlikely to have made any difference
Very similar to my partner, started complaining of stomach cramps and bloating. We thought it was IBS - a few weeks later and CT scan and it was a 21cm tumour and stage 4c colorectal cancer.
Terrible disease that you can’t comprehend until you’ve witnessed it
I know exactly what you are saying. I lost my husband 13 months ago and i knew for a while he wasnt right either and kept on telling him to go to the drs too ! Ofcourse, we never even thought for one moment that we would lose them either . Its pretty recent for you and you will still be in shock. I think the first year you are in shock tbh … everything is so overwhelming and unreal. Take care xx
Hi Leea,
I am dreadfully sorry to hear of your husbands passing.
My wife passed away from Breast cancer in November '23. She was diagnosed in December '21 after a couple of months of having only a localised sharp pain in her shoulder. The night she was taken in to hospital and i was told, is etched in my memory. They done an MRI and it was also in her spine, bones, liver and lung. I felt the rug had been pulled from under me!!
The next day, we were told ‘short weeks’. I spent the next 6 months caring for her until she was back at an optimal health. I believe that most of my grief came at that time. At the thought that i knew i was going to lose her at some point, but did not know when.
The 2 extra years i had with her were amazing and i am so thankful for, but now it is the loss that i cannot get used to. Coming home to an empty house, going to call her then realising, cooking and eating alone. I miss her greatly, yet am at peace to know that her suffering is over, because at the end, that was not my wife lying in hospital, but that awful disease. Do not feel guilty Leea, because sometimes we can do everything and the outcome is still the same. You didnt let him down, you were there for him in his time is need. Hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing, but as it is written here, it is also dangerous. It brings up a lot of if’s, ands, buts and maybe’s and that is not a good thing for your grieving process or mental health. Please do take care of yourself.
Love and light to you.
David.
I am sorry for your loss xxx Guilt is awful isn’t it grief is incredibly painful as it is x
It was stomach cancer stage four it had spread to a lymph node at first they said it was a stomach ulcer but they did a biopsy then it started bleeding & they couldn’t stop it.
I’m so sorry for your loss cancer is a terrible disease x
Thank you for this reply just taking one day at a time and sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not the only one feeling like this. I’m so sorry for your loss xxx
Hi David
I have replayed things in my mind many times & the outcome stays the same, I am torturing myself which you are right does affect your mental health. I am just going to take it one day at a time until I can process what has happened.
I am so sorry for your loss I wish I had a bit more time with my husband but at the same time as you said cancer takes over & maybe I was spared in a way. xxx
Its so truly devastating isnt …i am crushed.tbh …13 months on its still hard and i think the most frightening thing is not having a husband anymore to hold your hand through life - i hate that part. I loved being a partnership. I hope i can meet someone else eventually because i dont want to spend rest of my life living alone … its too hard and frankly too flipping miserable … 
i loved my husband very much but i just dont want to spend rest of my life living alone either …
I know what you mean I think oh I’ll tell Mark that or he’ll find that funny but he’s not here. x I still talk to him & when I walk our dog Bella on a morning I still say to Bella I’ll just fill the kettle for Mark & in a way it’s a comfort when I come back from the walk & the kettle is warm x strange the things you do to comfort yourself xxx
@Leea I lost My wife back in November to Breast Cancer. I still say ‘Good Morning’ Goodnight, ‘See you in the morning’ tell her about the weather, walking the hound etc.
The comfort you find is indeed strange and to me, is keeping a partnership going even if it is only in that spiritual sense. Its what we do to get through these days, to make them bearable.
David.
Yeh its really hard isnt it ? Im finding it hard not having him physically here at moment …
@Deb5 its those moments were you go to call them and then you have that crashing realisation that you cant!!
Yehnits hard isnt it … i do talk to hisb photo and write in journal to him but its not the same is it … as you say its like having a spiritual relationship isnt it ? I have made friends but still … its not my husband is it ? They knew us inside out didnt they and loved us anyway … i suppose we just have to take it day at a time … all we can do xx
@Leea i am so sorry that you have lost your husband…life is so unfair and cruel. I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly. I had a phone call from my son to say that dad had collapsed… I missed the phone call by 30 minutes. Time I got home my husband was gone, I did CPR on him as still no paramedics. He died from a massive saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer which was in both kidneys. He was 53. I feel guilty that I didn’t notice that my husband was ill and had lost weight and that I wasn’t with him when he died. Now I look back I can see the weight loss in the photos. Why didn’t I notice. My husband was working up to the day before. I did get him down the doctors 3 weeks prior but to late as just started doing tests. They say that guilt is part of grief. I am starting slowly to be kind to myself but some days are very hard. Big hugs xx
Hi Hazel
Yes guilt is awful Mark was also 53 & our daughter found him collapsed every thing happened so quickly after that I still cannot believe he has gone. I miss him greatly I don’t know how people do it but here I am doing it one day at a time, knowing I’m not the only one helps in some way. xxx
Yep i said those very words yesterday. 2 of my brother in laws lost their wives at different times and i was thinking other day - how did they do it ??? Because its bloody hard isnt it ? Unfortunately i am not in touch with them now so dunno that answer - but it takes a brave person to survive this journey for sure xx