I am new here. Feeling very low and still struggling with the loss of my husband. He passed away 23 January 2023. We were together 41 years. He was the love of my life. We never had children. Got no immediate family. Just a few friends. My friends have busy lives so I am basically alone. I don’t even know where to begin. I just feel so desperate right now. I just miss my soulmate. I miss the life we had. We used to holiday in Cornwall a lot. I feel now I could never go back there because it would be too painful without him. I don’t drive and I miss our trips to the lakes, the Cotswolds and Scotland. I miss the life I had then. I don’t know how I am still here. Life feels pointless. It’s a life that has no happiness. Nothing to look forward to. I miss being someone’s only love. It just feels like hell most days. I don’t see a time that it will be any different. When you have spent most of your life with someone than being alone how can you ever get over that? It’s so tiring fighting the grief every day. I get terrible flash backs to when he was ill and in pain. I wish I could wake up to find it has all been a bad dream.
Hi Fairydust,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. There is too much sadness in this world. 
My situation is very similar to yours. We enjoyed each other’s company so much that we never thought about having children. We have no family with us either, and I have been disabled since 2017. My husband used to take care of me. He passed away last Nov sadly to Cancer. Now, I can only drive my scooter near our house, so I’m pretty much stuck here.
I promised my husband that I would take care of our house and garden that we planned together and enjoyed so much. We have a small, sweet Cavapoo named Alfie. He is such a sweetheart.
I don’t want to sleep upstairs, I sleep on my husband’s favorite sofa, right beside his ash urn. Our dog sleeps here too. So, in a way, the three of us are still together every day. This brings me great comfort.
I hope you find something that comfort you and remember you husband too.
So sorry to hear your story. I still sleep in his bed and still find it hard to wake up on my own. I have a Jack Russell. He is rescue. We got him just before first lockdown in 2020. He is 11 now. I don’t know what I would do without him. Little did we know he would out live my husband. I have my husbands ashes in the bedroom with me. Sometimes my dog stares at them and looks around the room like he sees something. I suppose I am lucky I can still get around and go for long walks with my dog. I feel your loss. Life can be so cruel. 
It is so hard and there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. I was with my husband for 41 years too and then to be left without him has been awful. I know how you feel about holidays, Cornwall was our favourite place too but not without him. I feel as though I have lost most of myself although I am lucky we have two lovely daughters. I just feel both angry and sad a lot and the thought of years ahead without him terrify me.
I meant to mention the anger and sadness. I look around and see horrible people still with their loved ones and I just get so angry. I know I shouldn’t but I don’t think the anger will ever leave me. A lady said to me yesterday that my eyes have a lot of sadness in them. But that’s my life now. Sending healing thoughts.
Hello Fairydust
I’m so saddened to hear of your husband loss. I was with my husband for 40 years he died aged 58 from cancer.
I am forced to adjust to this life that none of us wanted for them and for us.
It’s the first time I’ve ever lived on my own me a women in my 60’s.
If I think too far ahead I get very anxious.
Our security goes doesn’t it and life becomes much less certain .
I don’t like the clock change or the season changes . It moves him further away from me . I’ve learnt that grief is not logical affairs of the heart seldom are.
I’ve struggled with insomnia since his death . The empty space where he once lay the house so silent . Who do you welcome the day in with now and say goodnight to.
It’s a slog isn’t it, and painful.
I have to find meaning that’s what has kept me sane , a way to carry him forward with me . I buy flowers and put them next to his photo . He always bought me flowers .
I spray his aftershave as a way of keeping him close to me .
I write to him and tell him how much he’s loved and missed.
My address book has got smaller . You find out who cares and loves you and those that don’t .
We were robbed of our retirement together life can be so cruel can’t it .
I find seeing other couples close to our age very painful . I feel so envious 
I agree with all of the above. Seeing other couples of a similar age is a real trigger for me too. I also spray aftershave at night when I go to bed, it’s lovely to have that familiar smell. I haven’t slept properly either since my husband passed away and have just resigned myself to constantly being exhausted. Hearing others say similar things does help to normalise the haze of grief.
I can relate to the posts here, too. I don’t think I’ll ever not deeply miss my spouse. It will be here forever, but I have to find ways to cope w/ it and to find meaning in my own life. It’s a long drawn out process is all I know.
Yes I think it’s with me for life and that’s part of being in a loving caring relationship for 40 years . Grief is about love isn’t it.
I’ve needed to take some medication to help get me off to sleep . Insomnia is very common when you’ve lost your life partner.
Hi Wilderness
I also get anxious when I think ahead. Security is another factor. I feel vulnerable now. My husband was 6 foot 5. Ex army and fire service. I always felt safe with him. Went everywhere in the car. Always together. He was a young 65 when he passed. He loved life and people. Always saw the good in people. I have never lived in my own till now. In the aftermath of his death I pleaded with God to bring him back. I just felt desperate and miss him so much.
I haven’t slept properly since his death either. Used to be a good sleeper. Now I sleep for 2 or 3 hours then wake up. I lie awake unable to get back to sleep and just feel anxious and worry about what lies ahead and get flashbacks of him suffering. It’s a living hell.
The greater the love the greater the grief. I have started taking magnesium tablets to help with my sleeping. They have helped.
What lies ahead hmmm I’ve found that unhelpful as that overwhelms me Fairydust .
Focus on one day not easily done I know but persist with it . Do sorry to hear you witnessed and felt your husbands suffering.
My heart reaches out to you.
I nursed my husband at home .
We had loving husbands
I do try to focus on one day at a time. Sometimes it’s just difficult. Particularly if I wake up in middle of the night. My mind wonders.
hello fairydust i am so sorry you are feeling this way my husband of 47 years died 9 months ago and no i dont think we will ever get over this it is hard somdays seem okay then most days are crap yes we miss them so much and are just trying to survive and sometimes think what is the point but we keep going and live in hope that one day we might just feel a little better so i hope at some point you do
Thank you. My heart is broken into tiny pieces. I hope time makes it easier but right now I don’t think it ever will.