Hi this is tough for me,
My relationship with my mum was up & down. When I was a child my mum was angry, drunk & I was neglected of love & attention. I got used to it but I was clingy & tried to please her a lot. In my teens I distanced from her due to anger. She changed stopped drinking & was needing my love & affection. I couldn’t give it to her because of my childhood. I couldn’t talk to her as anything raised about her behaviour she would get angry with me. When I had my daughter mum was like Jekyll & Hyde. Doting nanny one minute & angry at me for talking about my daughter too much. I was hurt & distanced myself again. I let her see her granddaughter they have many photos & she adored her. 2004 mum gets diagnosis of Parkinson’s & I’m crushed. Mums on meds & they make her nice & calm. I felt sad the meds were making her in to the mum I wanted. 2009 she deteriorated to mood swings & not recognising me on one occasion. Lashing out at times . She was diagnosed with Lewy bodies dementia. That was it our relationship totally detached. I was around her as much as could be & it was painful. Watching a feisty mum go to a vulnerable, weak body unable to talk. I was with her until she passed away. I held her hand. After she died I was busy then my dad got a brain illness & I took care of him . Dad passed last year with me by his side. I’m writing this because it’s hitting me that I never had the proper relationship with my mum. We were like hit & miss. My grief is full of crying sadness wanting my mum & next the angry grief of why was you like that to me. I’m crying as I write. I’ve held myself so strong & now I want my mum more then ever. I want her to hug me cuddle me & say it’s ok & I love you. It never happened. Sorry I’m just so lost it’s been 9 years since she passed & it’s hitting me this year like a ton of bricks has dropped on me. Has anyone had this similar experience?
