I feel so sad and lonely tonight. I have spent the day breaking down in tears again and again. It feels like something has snapped in me. Before I was somehow just about keeping it together and was functioning. Its probably my week at work not helping as well , I work in IT and everything seems to be falling over and breaking this week. So lot of stress and pressure from above, my work colleague has suggested I go to the doctor and maybe get signed of sick. I dont think that will help. It is not my job which is the root of my problem and it keeps me somewhat distracted from everything. I dont think having nothing to do will help, as i would just sit there and drown under it all.
@Smasher3kuk hope you are feeling a bit better today. I had a week like that recently just a complete melt down but you just have to let it happen I think itâs part of the grieving process. I am still struggling but not as bad and I think with the constant reminder of mothers day looming doesnât help. I work from home so itâs easier for me to just step back but I still have moments where I just break down and I think where is it coming from as it just hits you out of the blue. I am fortune my uncle lives close by as if I am feeling a bit low sometimes I pop round to visit and some of the things he does I see my mum (he also rolls his eyes just like her). Donât be hard on yourself this is tough, like nothing else I have went through and wouldnât wish it on anyone. Look after yourself, sending hugs.
Valda xx
@Valda Sadly no better today spent pretty much all of today breaking down in tears.
Since my neices birthday on Wednesday it is just really got to much. From that birthday on Tuesday next week it is her older brothers Birthday, my oldest nephew, born on Mothers Day the year he was born way back in 1999. First Grandson, but not the first grandchild. Then as all us who lost our mums know Mothers Day, the first one for some of us.
I have been looking at otherâs post and seem to have noticed the same thing as they have. Now that the funeral is over and done with people who said they will be there for you have disappeared and when you try and reach out and scream you need help they are not or are too busy. I am finding the time after the funeral the hardest, as much as i was dreading that it give me something to focus on. And i am actively trying not to think about the next thing. We have an inquest scheduled to look in to my Mums Death as there has been questions raised about the care she received in hospital. The thought of that petrifies me so much, as I really dont known what i will do if the findings show that there was a chance to save Mum and they messed up.
I work from home as well, so i can just walk about when it hits me, but I am slightly panicking about next week. I have been asked to come in for a meeting on Site to discuss the move of one of our main systems as we have sold the building it is in. This is also the last working week in the last remaining building we have in Folkestone, timing wise not good as well as it is going at such time that when I think i would like to spend more time on site in the future so i am not so alone the choice is being taken away and we have vague promises of a hub office being built in a town 25 miles away which is absolutely arse to get to if you are like me and dont drive. This follows notices from a number of our senior management team who have all decided to announce they are leaving at the same time. All this has added up as well as it makes me doubt how secure my role is which is feeding into the grief as it would be Mum who I would have talked all this through.
Thanks for checking in it is very much appreciated. Hugs to you as well.
Rachel x
@Smasher3kuk it canât be easy when you have all these events that your mum would have been at that have came up and of course motherâs day looming. Itâs difficult doing things without them, even when I go food shopping itâs not the same. I see things that she liked or if something new is out I think mum would have liked that, getting out of the habit of picking them up for her itâs so difficult.
Sounds like big changes at your work and that can be unsettling on you to which is the last thing you need. Do whatâs best for you, I know businesses are trying to get more people back in the office.
I had my friend up yesterday and she knew my mum well we went on trips with both our mums so was nice talking about the times we were away together. Maybe you can do something like that, itâs was nice just talking about the good memories we had of her.
Look after yourself.
Valda
@Valda Someone from school who i never expected put a helping hand out today, we were friendâs during that time but drifted apart. She knew what had happened through a mutual friend, she lost her Mum a few years ago so knows what i am going through. She had worked out what i was doing subconsciously without me realising and made me come and meet her today in our mutal hometown. We sat and had a long talk about the good things about our Mums and she let me get out all the stuff that was going around my head and let me get some perspective on it. So lots of tears but some laughs as well.
There is still a long way to go with this all and it is not a miracle cure, but one thing she correctly pegged is that i have a bad case of survivorâs guilt, which has left me shutting myself away from people and not wanting to full engage with the world because i cant share it with Mum anymore. Be it going with her to do it , or telling her about it afterwards if it was something I was doing myself only. Because she is no longer there to share it with I am living my life but not really living it.
So, I have a week booked off in May which is when my birthday is, me and Mum planned to go somewhere together for it. She has told me and i am think i am going to do which is book a trip somewhere for that time. Somewhere my Mum has never been so no change of tripping over memories and go and take some time away there. And try and enjoy myself. My mum never had a passport, she always said one school trip to France when she was kid was enough for her. So I will probably end up some place over the channel. As she was clear to tell me, my Mum would if she could still say it , that it is fine to be Sad and to her miss her, and that whilst i am still going to miss and want her for the rest of her life, I shouldnt stopping living and having experiences because she canât have them and i canât share them with her anymore
She also helped put some other things in perspective, that what i am feeling is valid, that i shouldnt think or worry about other people are are they judging the way i am grieving. That what i am going through and feeling is what is right with me and what i need to do to work through this. That if i need to talk about Mum dont let people shut the conversation down because they think it will help me more not to talk abut it. And if need to cry just cry, donât be embrassed or think that it is excessive the number of times you have done it that day. If i need to do just do it, i am sad and upset and it is valid.
Look after yourself as well
Rachel x
@Smasher3kuk oh wow thatâs great news and so happy that there is someone else who has been through what you are going through that you can talk to. What she has said makes a lot of sense and she is right, this is a process and itâs going to be a long one and we just have to cry when we need to. It happens when we donât expect it but as my mum would say better out than in. I was told by HR when I had a melt down it was a trigger, told her no I am grieving as she has only been gone a few weeks the triggers will be motherâs day, birthdays etc and I now just tell her what she wants to hear.
This sounds huge for you and its exciting that you are going to get away for a few days. Our mums would be saying that we should be doing things for ourselves even though we probably feel we donât want to as its not with them. So pleased that you have had this positive experience and hearing something that makes sense to how you have been feeling.
Take care
Valda
What seemed like postive steps yesterday wasnt this morning. Woke up to a full blown anxeity attack and everything just fell from underneath me.
Through work we have access to a dedicated 24/7 mental support number. Called them because I felt like everything had just gotten to much. It was good to speak to them. I feel a bit lighter, a case has been opened and they will do checks in with me over the next few weeks, but i am free to call anytime if i need to. This is all in purview of determing if i need grief counselling going forward which i can receive through them and my private medical. Early assessment is probably yes. I have trauma related to the last time i saw Mum and the complete and total utter shock of what occurred. We had no warning and no thought this would happen.
So my brain is still trying to reconcile how and why it happened because it makes no sense. On top of losing Mum and losing my entire support system all at the same time.
@Smasher3kuk this is probably also after you getting so much out when you saw your friend to. That would have been a big release for you.
I know what you mean though about how you last saw your mum I found mine at home she was doing fine and I canât get my head around it that one day she is doing ok and the next gone! I still see the image of how I found her at times when I close my eyes (I then try to picture her laughing on Christmas day) doesnât always work.
The main thing is that you are getting help and something is being done for you. Remember itâs a day at a time and itâs good that since you spoke to them you feel lighter. Take care and stay in touch.
Valda xx
Thanks for the respone. Had a long talk with a family member today in regards to how I am feeling and how much i am not coping it.
It was good in someones to get it out, like i am scared of building up close relationships and support with others because mentally i cant face losing that again. Mum was my go to person, my confidant, the always reliable person who was always there. I dont want to build that with someone else.
One of the main things i struggle with all the time is which people dont understand, they give me bits that i can to try to replicate it. Like speak out loud to a room and talk and pretend Mum is there or write a letter to Mum telling her what I am been doing. What i cant move past and cant get people to understand is how much i cant cope wanting to physically speak to my Mum again and hear her speak back to me. Have a conversation down the phone or in person like i would always would. AND i cant get my head around never being able to do that ever again. And suggesting the other things how ever well attentioned are not an adequate substitution. It is not just being able to tell Mum stuff that I Miss. It is the whole package, telling her stuff and her telling me stuff. A normal everyday conversation with my Mum. I Miss and wish I could have that back so much. Just to chat on the phone like we always did. How can i easily move past that or replace it?
@Smasher3kuk I know itâs horrible to think about a future without them. I actually went to phone my mum today, itâs the first time I have done that since she passed then reality hit and I cried for about an hour and itâs been on and off since then. Tuesday I would call to ask if there is anything she needs at shops when my son is at football training. I donât have any words of comfort as I know how you feel and my son and I are hoping to go away for a few days at Easter, she would have came with us. If your family is giving you that bit of support take it even though I understand why you donât want to get close to someone but you canât think like that. I talk to my mum all the time, I listen to the music that she liked as whilst I have a cry at times when I listen to it I also smile and picture her dancing. This is by no means an easy journey that we are on i would not wish anyone to go through this and I am hoping that eventually it will get easier whenever that may be, we just need to do what we can to get through each day. The good thing is that you are talking about it so keep it up.
Valda xx
Hi @Valda, had a few of those conversations this week trying to get my head around this.
I had a really good heart to heart with my sister. Turns out she was very worried about me but scared to push in terms of speaking to somone professionally. I broached the phone situation and she gets what i mean about it now. I work in IT and know how much a digital product can show the type of person someone was. And for me it is comfort whilst everything is so raw.
Currently on the way to a friends to stay the night. Too many days by myself have got to me.
Probably the same as eveyone else this week everything seems heightened. Everything seems to remind me of Mum. Everything seems harder and I so so wish i could see her. We still havenât got a place to go for her yet, so i plan to put some flowers on my granddads grave(her dad) for her. Not the same, i normally would take her out and spoil her.
Still struggling so much with never being able to speak and see her again. I think that new reality is the hardiest for me to get my head around.
For example a bit of work news from yesterday that i wish i could share with her so much as she would laugh so much at it, as she knew my thoughts about every having to work at that particular part of a certain town near me. My company have decided to move our building there!! Lets say bad memories from a previous job in the building next to the one we are going into.
I hope this week has not been too bad for you. As you say one day at a time, they are just very long days at the moment!
Hopefully one day all of us will be able to look back at memories and our relationships with our Mums and smile a little despite it all. Because for me I am going to always going to miss her so much, that piece of my heart that is missing now is always going to sit with me.
Hugs
Rachel x
@Smasher3kuk so good to hear that you have been able to speak to your sister about how you are feeling and hopefully this will be a support for both of you. Hope you had a good night away itâs probably what you needed, nothing like time with friends. I know the feeling of living alone its just me and my son and he is at the age he wants to be with his friends, tho he does pick up sometimes how I feel. When you are feeling low which for me seems constant just now having someone else there would be nice. Not been a great week for me and came out yesterday and I was just an emotional mess all day. My friend phoned at the right time so let it all out, my other friend was having us for lunch and I was going to cancel but forced myself to go and glad I did. She used to live in Spain my mum and I would go and visit her for holidays so we were chatting about that. She lost her dad over a year ago and she said both her and her mum still have good and bad days.
Tomorrow is the day of dread, my son has his football game in the morning so out for that then I am going to take out her ashes, put on The Quiet Man (she loved John Wayne), light a candle and raise a glass for her and at some point play the music she liked. Never thought I would ever say I was looking forward to Monday. I am out with my uncle, his son and kids today at her favourite restaurant before it closes so looking forward to that.
Take care and as you say letâs remember our mums tomorrow and always for the memories we had and made with them
Valda xx
