I miss my mum so much the sadness is overwhelmingly me

Losing a parent
21

Hi all,

I feel so sad and lonely tonight. I have spent the day breaking down in tears again and again. It feels like something has snapped in me. Before I was somehow just about keeping it together and was functioning. Its probably my week at work not helping as well , I work in IT and everything seems to be falling over and breaking this week. So lot of stress and pressure from above, my work colleague has suggested I go to the doctor and maybe get signed of sick. I dont think that will help. It is not my job which is the root of my problem and it keeps me somewhat distracted from everything. I dont think having nothing to do will help, as i would just sit there and drown under it all.

Rachel x

22

@Smasher3kuk hope you are feeling a bit better today. I had a week like that recently just a complete melt down but you just have to let it happen I think it’s part of the grieving process. I am still struggling but not as bad and I think with the constant reminder of mothers day looming doesn’t help. I work from home so it’s easier for me to just step back but I still have moments where I just break down and I think where is it coming from as it just hits you out of the blue. I am fortune my uncle lives close by as if I am feeling a bit low sometimes I pop round to visit and some of the things he does I see my mum (he also rolls his eyes just like her). Don’t be hard on yourself this is tough, like nothing else I have went through and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Look after yourself, sending hugs.
Valda xx

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@Valda Sadly no better today spent pretty much all of today breaking down in tears.
Since my neices birthday on Wednesday it is just really got to much. From that birthday on Tuesday next week it is her older brothers Birthday, my oldest nephew, born on Mothers Day the year he was born way back in 1999. First Grandson, but not the first grandchild. Then as all us who lost our mums know Mothers Day, the first one for some of us.
I have been looking at other’s post and seem to have noticed the same thing as they have. Now that the funeral is over and done with people who said they will be there for you have disappeared and when you try and reach out and scream you need help they are not or are too busy. I am finding the time after the funeral the hardest, as much as i was dreading that it give me something to focus on. And i am actively trying not to think about the next thing. We have an inquest scheduled to look in to my Mums Death as there has been questions raised about the care she received in hospital. The thought of that petrifies me so much, as I really dont known what i will do if the findings show that there was a chance to save Mum and they messed up.
I work from home as well, so i can just walk about when it hits me, but I am slightly panicking about next week. I have been asked to come in for a meeting on Site to discuss the move of one of our main systems as we have sold the building it is in. This is also the last working week in the last remaining building we have in Folkestone, timing wise not good as well as it is going at such time that when I think i would like to spend more time on site in the future so i am not so alone the choice is being taken away and we have vague promises of a hub office being built in a town 25 miles away which is absolutely arse to get to if you are like me and dont drive. This follows notices from a number of our senior management team who have all decided to announce they are leaving at the same time. All this has added up as well as it makes me doubt how secure my role is which is feeding into the grief as it would be Mum who I would have talked all this through.

Thanks for checking in it is very much appreciated. Hugs to you as well.
Rachel x

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@Smasher3kuk it can’t be easy when you have all these events that your mum would have been at that have came up and of course mother’s day looming. It’s difficult doing things without them, even when I go food shopping it’s not the same. I see things that she liked or if something new is out I think mum would have liked that, getting out of the habit of picking them up for her it’s so difficult.
Sounds like big changes at your work and that can be unsettling on you to which is the last thing you need. Do what’s best for you, I know businesses are trying to get more people back in the office.
I had my friend up yesterday and she knew my mum well we went on trips with both our mums so was nice talking about the times we were away together. Maybe you can do something like that, it’s was nice just talking about the good memories we had of her.
Look after yourself. :sparkling_heart:
Valda

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@Valda Someone from school who i never expected put a helping hand out today, we were friend’s during that time but drifted apart. She knew what had happened through a mutual friend, she lost her Mum a few years ago so knows what i am going through. She had worked out what i was doing subconsciously without me realising and made me come and meet her today in our mutal hometown. We sat and had a long talk about the good things about our Mums and she let me get out all the stuff that was going around my head and let me get some perspective on it. So lots of tears but some laughs as well.
There is still a long way to go with this all and it is not a miracle cure, but one thing she correctly pegged is that i have a bad case of survivor’s guilt, which has left me shutting myself away from people and not wanting to full engage with the world because i cant share it with Mum anymore. Be it going with her to do it , or telling her about it afterwards if it was something I was doing myself only. Because she is no longer there to share it with I am living my life but not really living it.
So, I have a week booked off in May which is when my birthday is, me and Mum planned to go somewhere together for it. She has told me and i am think i am going to do which is book a trip somewhere for that time. Somewhere my Mum has never been so no change of tripping over memories and go and take some time away there. And try and enjoy myself. My mum never had a passport, she always said one school trip to France when she was kid was enough for her. So I will probably end up some place over the channel. As she was clear to tell me, my Mum would if she could still say it , that it is fine to be Sad and to her miss her, and that whilst i am still going to miss and want her for the rest of her life, I shouldnt stopping living and having experiences because she can’t have them and i can’t share them with her anymore

She also helped put some other things in perspective, that what i am feeling is valid, that i shouldnt think or worry about other people are are they judging the way i am grieving. That what i am going through and feeling is what is right with me and what i need to do to work through this. That if i need to talk about Mum dont let people shut the conversation down because they think it will help me more not to talk abut it. And if need to cry just cry, don’t be embrassed or think that it is excessive the number of times you have done it that day. If i need to do just do it, i am sad and upset and it is valid.
Look after yourself as well
Rachel x

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@Smasher3kuk oh wow that’s great news and so happy that there is someone else who has been through what you are going through that you can talk to. What she has said makes a lot of sense and she is right, this is a process and it’s going to be a long one and we just have to cry when we need to. It happens when we don’t expect it but as my mum would say better out than in. I was told by HR when I had a melt down it was a trigger, told her no I am grieving as she has only been gone a few weeks the triggers will be mother’s day, birthdays etc and I now just tell her what she wants to hear.
This sounds huge for you and its exciting that you are going to get away for a few days. Our mums would be saying that we should be doing things for ourselves even though we probably feel we don’t want to as its not with them. So pleased that you have had this positive experience and hearing something that makes sense to how you have been feeling.
Take care :sparkling_heart:
Valda

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@Valda,

What seemed like postive steps yesterday wasnt this morning. Woke up to a full blown anxeity attack and everything just fell from underneath me.

Through work we have access to a dedicated 24/7 mental support number. Called them because I felt like everything had just gotten to much. It was good to speak to them. I feel a bit lighter, a case has been opened and they will do checks in with me over the next few weeks, but i am free to call anytime if i need to. This is all in purview of determing if i need grief counselling going forward which i can receive through them and my private medical. Early assessment is probably yes. I have trauma related to the last time i saw Mum and the complete and total utter shock of what occurred. We had no warning and no thought this would happen.
So my brain is still trying to reconcile how and why it happened because it makes no sense. On top of losing Mum and losing my entire support system all at the same time.

Rachel x

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@Smasher3kuk this is probably also after you getting so much out when you saw your friend to. That would have been a big release for you.
I know what you mean though about how you last saw your mum I found mine at home she was doing fine and I can’t get my head around it that one day she is doing ok and the next gone! I still see the image of how I found her at times when I close my eyes (I then try to picture her laughing on Christmas day) doesn’t always work.
The main thing is that you are getting help and something is being done for you. Remember it’s a day at a time and it’s good that since you spoke to them you feel lighter. Take care and stay in touch.
Valda xx

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@Valda.

Thanks for the respone. Had a long talk with a family member today in regards to how I am feeling and how much i am not coping it.
It was good in someones to get it out, like i am scared of building up close relationships and support with others because mentally i cant face losing that again. Mum was my go to person, my confidant, the always reliable person who was always there. I dont want to build that with someone else.
One of the main things i struggle with all the time is which people dont understand, they give me bits that i can to try to replicate it. Like speak out loud to a room and talk and pretend Mum is there or write a letter to Mum telling her what I am been doing. What i cant move past and cant get people to understand is how much i cant cope wanting to physically speak to my Mum again and hear her speak back to me. Have a conversation down the phone or in person like i would always would. AND i cant get my head around never being able to do that ever again. And suggesting the other things how ever well attentioned are not an adequate substitution. It is not just being able to tell Mum stuff that I Miss. It is the whole package, telling her stuff and her telling me stuff. A normal everyday conversation with my Mum. I Miss and wish I could have that back so much. Just to chat on the phone like we always did. How can i easily move past that or replace it?

Hugs

Rachel x.

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@Smasher3kuk I know it’s horrible to think about a future without them. I actually went to phone my mum today, it’s the first time I have done that since she passed then reality hit and I cried for about an hour and it’s been on and off since then. Tuesday I would call to ask if there is anything she needs at shops when my son is at football training. I don’t have any words of comfort as I know how you feel and my son and I are hoping to go away for a few days at Easter, she would have came with us. If your family is giving you that bit of support take it even though I understand why you don’t want to get close to someone but you can’t think like that. I talk to my mum all the time, I listen to the music that she liked as whilst I have a cry at times when I listen to it I also smile and picture her dancing. This is by no means an easy journey that we are on i would not wish anyone to go through this and I am hoping that eventually it will get easier whenever that may be, we just need to do what we can to get through each day. The good thing is that you are talking about it so keep it up.
Valda xx

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Hi @Valda, had a few of those conversations this week trying to get my head around this.
I had a really good heart to heart with my sister. Turns out she was very worried about me but scared to push in terms of speaking to somone professionally. I broached the phone situation and she gets what i mean about it now. I work in IT and know how much a digital product can show the type of person someone was. And for me it is comfort whilst everything is so raw.

Currently on the way to a friends to stay the night. Too many days by myself have got to me.
Probably the same as eveyone else this week everything seems heightened. Everything seems to remind me of Mum. Everything seems harder and I so so wish i could see her. We still haven’t got a place to go for her yet, so i plan to put some flowers on my granddads grave(her dad) for her. Not the same, i normally would take her out and spoil her.
Still struggling so much with never being able to speak and see her again. I think that new reality is the hardiest for me to get my head around.
For example a bit of work news from yesterday that i wish i could share with her so much as she would laugh so much at it, as she knew my thoughts about every having to work at that particular part of a certain town near me. My company have decided to move our building there!! Lets say bad memories from a previous job in the building next to the one we are going into.
I hope this week has not been too bad for you. As you say one day at a time, they are just very long days at the moment!
Hopefully one day all of us will be able to look back at memories and our relationships with our Mums and smile a little despite it all. Because for me I am going to always going to miss her so much, that piece of my heart that is missing now is always going to sit with me.
Hugs
Rachel x

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@Smasher3kuk so good to hear that you have been able to speak to your sister about how you are feeling and hopefully this will be a support for both of you. Hope you had a good night away it’s probably what you needed, nothing like time with friends. I know the feeling of living alone its just me and my son and he is at the age he wants to be with his friends, tho he does pick up sometimes how I feel. When you are feeling low which for me seems constant just now having someone else there would be nice. Not been a great week for me and came out yesterday and I was just an emotional mess all day. My friend phoned at the right time so let it all out, my other friend was having us for lunch and I was going to cancel but forced myself to go and glad I did. She used to live in Spain my mum and I would go and visit her for holidays so we were chatting about that. She lost her dad over a year ago and she said both her and her mum still have good and bad days.
Tomorrow is the day of dread, my son has his football game in the morning so out for that then I am going to take out her ashes, put on The Quiet Man (she loved John Wayne), light a candle and raise a glass for her and at some point play the music she liked. Never thought I would ever say I was looking forward to Monday. I am out with my uncle, his son and kids today at her favourite restaurant before it closes so looking forward to that.
Take care and as you say let’s remember our mums tomorrow and always for the memories we had and made with them :sparkling_heart:
Valda xx

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@Valda.
Hi,
Apologies for disappearing for the last week or so. I spent the weekend with My Kind Friend. Was helpful to have them there as a sounding board but also put some stuff into perspective. Also helped me process some anger that I had been holding onto since Mum died. I Have 3 siblings, 2 brothers and a sister who are all older than me. For varying reasons due to work commitments or other family issues they have been in varying degrees of contact with Mum over the years. My sister had been playing around me and others the good daugher card because due to logistics she was mums next of kin and was there during the early stages of Mums treatment before it all went wrong.
On more than one occasion i had Mum in tears on the phone because she hadnt heard from any of My siblings for a long period of time and she was right fullly upset about. Basically it all came to the surface Saturday night after seeing My sister and neice, she tried to play the good daughter card again. My poor friend ended up with having to deal with me losing it at the point with all of my siblings. Because due to there lack of involvement with Mum, I had taken on it myself to be the one to be there for Mum for all of them. Hence the depth of relationship i Had with her. I Was the one that made certain she was not to lonely, spoke to her all the time, visited as frequently as I could. And yet they seem to have not been overly affected by her death whilst I have been having a torrid time because of the close relationship I had with Mum. I dont regret that in anyway shape or form, I loved the relationship we had, but I dont think any of them had realised how much of there slack i was picking up for them and as such losing Mum meant losing a large chunk of my life and who I am.

Mothers day was predictably horrible, we haven’t buried Mums ashes yet so had no where to go to be with her. So used the Grave of My Granddad who i didnt really know, he died when I was 2 to lay flowers on and leave a card for her.

Last few days i have been just taking everything as I can, woke up Tuesday feeling unwell. I Think my neice decided to share her cold with me.
One thing I have been actively trying to work on since i spoke to My Friend is keeping a Mantra in my head about Mum and how she wouldn’t want me to be like this for the rest of her life. Be sad and Miss her of course, but get up, stand up and embrace life fully so I can prove how proud she can be of me.
My Mum was one of those people who took everything on the chin, you get knocked down, you dust yourself off, stand back up and carry on. So I have to think by trying to keep the above in Mind that I am honouring my Mum.
It is not going be any easy task probably something I will struggle with for the rest of my life because I am certain there will be many many points where the sadness will overwhelm me and I will just think I wish Mum was here for this.

Sadly i am scared i will end up back at Step 1 soon enough. The inquest in regards to Mums death is looming very close now and I will be the 1st to admit there is a lot I dont know in regards to the manner of Mums Death. I dont even know if they tried to save her when it happened. So I think I will end up having to replay her death all over again to go through this. But I do need to know how she ended up dying from her injuries even if I have to face the reality of the manner of her death.

I hope you are well
Rachel x

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So it was 8 weeks yesterday since we lost Mum.
And today has been so awful.
I have been in floods of tears most of the day. For today the absence of Mum seems so overwhelming and I miss her so very much today. I have never in all my life never had this period of time of not even speaking to her, we would at times go large periods of time of not seeing each other in person as we were at opposite ends of the country but I could always pick up the phone and call her.
If i am crying over this period of time what i am going to be like at the time expands into months and years.
Everything just feels wrong, I really did think we would have had years still to go,and I just keep on going back to the accident and it loops and loops and loops around my head that if she hadnt of had it she would still be alive now.
But she did and I can’t fix it so she has died years before her time for a senseless reason.

Rachel x

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@Smasher3kuk it sounds like a bit of a roller coaster that you have been on, in one hand manage to release some anger then another day and hit rock bottom again. I am glad that you managed to get some time away at your friends it’s probably what you needed. You can hold your head up high and know that your mum would be proud of you as you were always there for her. Your siblings may now be feeling guilty about not doing as much as they should have been. Just focus on yourself your mum probably wouldn’t want you to be upset but this is something you have to still deal with on your own way. Your right mothers day was not good and I am glad it’s over but I have my mums birthday next month she would have been 75 :cry:.
I am 3 months in and I have to say the last couple of weeks I have just been a mess, breaking down and not being able to get back under control total melt downs. My friends have also picked up on it so they are around even more than they were. It’s just rubbish without her and I miss her so much. I am going away for a couple of days with my son she would usually be with us and it’s going to be strange with her not being there.
You have this uncertainty of the inquest hanging over you to so your still in limbo. I hope you get answers that give you some peace of mind. Take care of yourself though.
Valda xx

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Hi @Valda,

So the inquest was supppsed to be tomorrow at 12. But my sister got a call on Thursday in regards to it. Been sitting mulling on it for the last few days but it hasnt got easier to comprend.

The inquest has been pushed back to a yet to be determined date in the future, the essential nature of it has been that the information the coronor has recieve so far has been of concern from the hospital and she is now asking for further time for them to come forth with additional info and so forth.

The delay would indicate that we will be going from a paper based one conducted by the coronor with files and hand wrritten witnesses statements to a full blown inquest with witnesses called to testify under oath.

The crux is basically and this is where it feels hurts me angers me if that the information that has come forward is that there was stuff that was missed in my mums care, tests not done that should have been, or blood results which were not checked. We dont know if this would have meant there was a chance that they could of saved Mum yet. Or if they couldn’t we would have had warning of what envitable did happen and had our chances to be with her and say our proper goodbyes. What ever comes out its horrible and i have no idea if i can say the words on here but you can imagine a lot of swearing. That basically even if there was nothing they could of done the fact is they messed up with her care to the point it seems the coronor seems to have concerns about it and is asking for more.

For us of specifically me, this has raised some very mixed emotions in regards to this. Initially this was an open and shut case with the coronor stating it was very clear what my mums cause of death was. So need to investigate, my sister who is a midwife in that same hospital pushed for it, as she saw on the surface level things incorrectly done in A & E, but I dont think she thought we would be staring down at this seemingly being a negligence case with wider ramifications it seems. She just wanted elements flagged so best practice is followed. But it looks like increasingly like this is going a lot further and that is a serious issue at that hospital. It is already under investigation by the care quality commissioner for other issues so this might cause another hornets nest to open by extending the remit of this further. This also brings up fear of this making it to the local press or further as they have reported a lot on the issues of this specific hospital and trust. So our own personal grief and tragedy may end up being splashed across the papers if something really bad comes out of this.

As you can imagine this has sent me into a very deep tail spin, I was starting to get a equilibrium with my Mum’s death and had slowly started the acceptance phase of it was going to Happen and there was nothing they could do to stop it to panic and pain that there was a chance and that My Mum died because someone messed up and my mum paid the ultimate price because of it.
So now we have a long undetermined time to wait until we know the full truth.
This all comes at the same time i trying to prepare myself for the internment of my Mums ashes back in her home town as well as starting to count down to my first birthday with out her on the 1st of May. Thankfully it is bank holiday this year on that date so they cannot set that as the inquest date. Because that really would be a horrible unexpected bonus to have.

I hope you are well.

Rachel

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Oh that’s a lot for you to deal with and the fact that they are requesting more information and that it’s being pushed back is a bit concerning. It’s terrible to have this hanging over you as you also can’t grieve properly until you know exactly what happened. Until this is complete you still have it there and it will be the unknown.
I hope you get closure on this soon so it’s something you can move on from.
I have my mums birthday next week, have been an emotional mess the last couple of weeks and just trying to get myself out of it. People say be kind to yourself I try but it’s just so difficult. My friends are coming over as it would have been her 75th so we are going out for lunch. I have warned them that I don’t know what state I will be in. I found a letter from her wee brother from years ago today saying what a good mum she was and that she was his favourite sister (this started the water works again).
Good to hear from you and hopefully you get some answers soon that will let you know either way what happened. Take care @Smasher3kuk.
Valda xx

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Apologies for disappeering I needed to take a bit of time.

After a horrible horrible easter i realised I needed some help i was in a state of constant anxiety so finally spoke to my GP. I have been described with some medication to help with that and advisement to seek counseling.

The tablets have helped at least with keeping the anxeity at bay but I know I dont want to take them long term so i have applied for counselling, no idea when that will be.

The last two weeks or so have been fairly full on, we buried my mum ashes at the cemetery in her home town and mine as well. I think that has helped somewhat as i know have somewhere to go to be with her. Luckily this cemetery is near a good friends house so i have somewhere to go and have a talk and good cry afterwards.

I went for a small trip away over the may day bank holiday. My birthday is on the 1st so the above friend and I went to Brighton, was nice but felt some guilt and lots of sadness over it. Me and my mum were supposed to have been taking a trip away this year for my Birthday and it was one of the last things i talked to her about before everything fell apart around me.

I have been feeling up and until this point that i was feeling like Mum was around, she was a big believer of signs. And on the day of the interment and that weekend there seemed to be a robin constantly around in my friends garden. And on the trip to Brighton I saw them constructing a bunch of tents for a event coming up, one of the tents said Tivoli which is meaningfully to me, there is Tivoli amusements in the town my mum lived, she loved taking us and the grandkids to amusements. But it is also the name of a Holiday cottage we stayed in years ago, so it could be a coiendence but it did feel like she was saying hello.

I came back on the 2nd but that is the day i feel like my whole world has fallen out from me again.

My sister was supplied the Full medical report which we have been waiting on for 3 months, I had always felt that something didn’t feel about my Mums Death but I just thought it was me not accepting and reading to much into the information we had so far.

The report confirmed my worse fears and it seems my sisters as well.
The hospital will never come out and say it fully because it will open them up to greater liability but basically the confirmed it is more than likely my mum died due to mistakes, not checking test results, missing early signs of issues she was having and so forth. So it seems Mum was the unfortunate victim of Medical negligence.

As you can imagine this has had affected me so much, I am so angry at the hospital and also cant keep playing through my head that my Mum should be alive right now. I also know elements I hadnt know from the start like her exact time of death and what happened leading up to it.
So it feels like I am back to the early days with some of this because i didnt have that info then so I am starting a part of the grief again or a new part becaue I was missing information at that time.

We have some tough decisions to make coming up, we have had earlier discussions with a law firm about seeing if we have a case. We dont want money from it, but we know we cant let them get away with it, for us we want a proper heartfelt apology and also we want to ensure this never happens to someone else. That is the hardest one for me, the hospital involved is already well known for having issues in the Maternity department but it seems the issues are wided spread. And from what I know they dont want to acknowledge or make changes without press involvement.

So we have a situation brewing that the only way to get the changes is to go to the press but we dont want to do that because we dont want Mums memories and life to be picked apart by strangers.

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My story is a bit like yours
I lost my mum in January this year, after losing my dad in 2020,
My mum didn’t feel well on December 18th, I took her to A& E, she was diagnosed 3 weeks later with end stage ovarian cancer and died two weeks later, this has absolutely broke my heart & the grief just don’t go away, I keep going through the last 2 weeks of her life & the things we talked about & how I felt so helpless & it brought back all the heartache of losing my dad 2 years previous, (which she never got over) they were married for 55 years & were an inspiration to all our family.
Our family home 55 years of memories I am now trying to clear & that is as upsetting too.
I think of her all day everyday & I just want them back & life to be what is was.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through.
My husband is fantastic, but I just can’t get away from the overwhelming heartbreak.

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@Kazza7 so sorry for your loss its just heartbreaking without them isn’t it. You do relay things over and over again. I lost my mum suddenly a few days after Christmas to a heart attack no sign and I think the shock of it happening so quickly is awful. One day there then the next they are gone. Take your time with the family home that’s awful to do to, I just packed up my mums things and when ready I will go through them. This new journey without them is a difficult one and like you miss my mum every day its torture. Take care.
Valda x