So my Mum died just coming up to 2 weeks ago. And i feel like the sadness and grief is starting to overwhelm me.
What happened was so unexpected and happened so suddenly that I still cant get my head around how and why it happened.
My mum has an accident and tripped over a damaged paving slab whilst out for a walk. She broke her elbow on one arm and dislocated/broke her shoulder on the other. Whilst she was in hospital waiting for the surgery on her elbow she started to develop breathing issues on the Saturday afternoon 2 days after the which is was the first time I was able to get there to see her in hospital. They did some tests are diagnosed she had a large PE from a clot from somwhere. At 5am on the Sunday she died.
I have been flashing back to the last time I saw in the hospital struggling with her breathing. But up until yesterday i didnt realise i blocked out the last words she would ever say to me. I think remembering those words have put me in the spiral I am in now. She told me she would be fine and would see me soon.
As you can she wasnt.
My mum was honestly my best friend, she was the one person in my family who I could rely on all the time to be there.
Eveything in my world feels like it is the wrong way round.
As well losing my wonderful mum, I have lost my friend and a part of my support structure as well. My family is spread over the county/country and whilst I lived in the same county as Mum she was one side of it and i was the other. I would see her as often as i could because of work but would be frequently in contact on the phone with her every week. Always at the same times and same days of the week week in and week out. I am feeling the absence of these calls so much and hadnt realised how important as a part of my life they were.
I am struggling to concentrate or sleep at the moment. Up until a few days ago i seemed to be crying constantly but now i am crying constantly and starting to have anxiety attacks on top of it as well. Yesterday morning was so bad i almost had a full blown panic attack.
We still have 2 weeks to go to her funeral and an inquest as well after that to find out what happened in regards to her treatment in the hospital. I am scared of what i am going to hear in it, because i dont how i could cope if i found out there was a chance to save her.
Everything feels so overwhelming at the moment, and i feel like my siblings seem to be coping so well with it and i am the only who is struggling this much with it all. We were all together that weekend for the first time since covid to celebrate Mums birthday. That hurts so much as well as the day she died was her birthday.
Does this ever get easier to manage as i feel like it never will? Everything seems so hard now and i all want is my Mum back and i cant have her
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. I am so sad to read all you have written as it’s totally heartbreaking.My m passed on Dec 30th so I am the same as you in total despair,shock,grief etc and although we have held her funeral the grief is so so raw still. Your story is such a sad one and it happened so quick for you all
Everything is going to affect you eg phone calls,chats and visits to her home etc.I don’t have the answers as I am going through it myself but just want you to know we are here for you.Please keep posting because someone will reply to you.I have found this site an absolute lifesaver.I honestly don’t know where I would be without it.Wevall struggle to cope and have good and bad days Knowing others are going through the same is reassuring bec to get really do understand.
Struggling to sleep is only natural bec of the sheer depth of your grief.Same here I fell asleep at 4 am this morn and feel sluggish now bec of it so today I am just resting.I set myself just one target each day.And stick to it That way I feel I have actually achieved something.It may be the most trivial thing but at least I got it done.Some days it was a simple target of making myself a meal or having a bath bec even the simplist of things were too painful to get through
Will check on you later ok
Keep strong we are here for you ok
Deborah x
We meet with the Celebrant yesterday to put the final bits in place for Friday next week.
I was dreading that but got through it but i am dreading next week even worse. Even thinking for a moment of the Funeral sets me off in floods of tears.
We tried to sort through some of Mums clothes yesterday but had to step away as it got too much as we started to find items which we have memories attached to them. Doing that has left me feeling so bad today, I found by accident the presentts i got her for Christmas which were painful to see.
I still cant manage even sorting out her birthday gifts. They are sitting in her home untouched, we never got to give them to her. And i frankly do not want to have what inside mine ever again.
I am struggling with the whole situation and probably will until we get to the inquest. I cant still work out how we went from her having her accident on the Thursday to dying on her birthday on the Sunday.
I do think this has complicated manners as i am having to work through that section of it as well as purely grieving my mum.
For me it is the longing for her that hurts so much. I want her so badly.
Hi Rachel
Just read your post and want to say i feel the pain you are going through. Nothing can be worse . I can totally understand that you are dreading the funeral I was too. It went smoothly though as everyone did their bit and I was just left to try to control my emotions. The pain was terrible though and still is. You did well to try to sort your mums clothes Like you I tried and failed. I even tried some of her clothes on and realised how fashionable she was even at 89 yrs. I am 64 and some of her clothes were so lovely and fitted me so I shall wear them in time. In the next few weeks I shall try to sort them again Take your time with everything. Do it all in your own time and speed. Theres no time limit .
Am here for you and thinking of you ok
Deborah x
Today has been another one of those up and down days. I keep on wrestling today it seems with so many different elements of guilt that seem to be bubbling into anxeity.
Guilt about not being there at the end.
Guilt about not spending more time with her if i had the hindsight
Guilt at about even considering the future without her. A good friend sourced tickets for a band I like who a touring towards the end of the year. A lovely thought from them so i have something but all is made me do is panic. I dont like the thought at all at doing things like this without being able to share the experience with her.
Guilt that today the tears today dont seem to about her. But seem to be all about i feel more and stuff i am scared off going forward.
It this normal?
Me and Mum were extremely close. We talked to each other pretty much every day. But i feel now that wasnt enough.
That i should have done more. Spent more time with her.
We saw the draft of the eulogy today which has brought up that the funeral is now so close. That i only have a few days left to make the decision to see her in the Chapel of Rest, something i cant seem to settle on doing.
Has anyone got an answer for how to actually live after this?
I know my mum wouldnt want be to sad, guilty and angry all the time forever, but it feels wrong to think about moving away from that. I dont understand how i will be able to ever carry on and enjoying anything again without her being there?
She was taken unfairly and it feels like i am betraying her by even thinking about a life and world without her in it
Rachel,
Hi just read your reply. Ok here’s what I did if it helps. I wrote the Eulogy myself so when i heard it at the church nothing was new. I didn’t read it . The vicar did. I didn’t think on the day I would have had the strength to do it.
As for the ticket to see the band I would go. My son got me a ticket to see a well known singer the week before mums funeral and I was adamant I wasn’t going. My husband wanted to go so I said we would go and I would stay at the hotel opposite where the venue was. So I went and then my son told me all 7 tickets were under my name and i had to go to the box office to collect them. In the end I went and thoroughly enjoyed it. Yes I felt guilty that my mum wasn’t there but I also could hear her saying for me to go. She was a firm believer in living life to the full and in fairness to everyone with me that night they helped me get through it even when i had a few tears at one of the songs which they knew would be played at mums funeral. Please go if you can. Your mum would want you to.
I did everything for my mum and was with her 24/7 and YET I still feel guilty about lots of things That guilt will forever haunt me I even feel guilty about phoning 999 and for them taking her into hosp. I think we try to blame ourselves for things that are out of our control. Remember we did the best we could at the time no matter where we were or what we were doing.
Am thinking of you ok and message anytime
Deborah x
@Smasher3kuk@seychelles
I think we all feel guilty about a lot of things. I found my mum at home feel guilty about not being there with her when she passed. She got one of her wishes to go at home but I think what if I was there would she still be here (doctor said even if I was she has went so quickly still nothing I could have done) but I still feel guilty.
I feel guilty about the stupid rows we had over her hearing aids (she never wore them and got her wish again) she needed them to as hearing was so bad
She was being medically retired and I had said to her that she could go to florida for a month to see her family as she had the time to do it (her favourite place) now she can’t and I feel guilty that didn’t happen. I think it’s all these things and more that are going on in my head just now as struggling a bit and not sleeping well. We are all in the same boat but there is nothing we can do about it and it’s difficult to deal with as we wanted the best for them.
Sending you both hugs
Valda
Hi Valda,
Today has been full of me feeling guilty about so many things despite being there for her 24/7 for 4 mths. Don’t think my guilt will ever stop. Wish I had done so many more things but my husband keeps saying I couldn’t have done more. Despite him saying that though I still beat myself up.
I am trying to start focussing on the fab things we did like holidays together just her and me and the meals out we had etc.
I took her everywhere as her mobility was worse the past few years so its hard going anywhere now as she was always with me. Cant even bear to go out at the moment Its so tough. I will but in time.
How are you bearing up ?
Deborah x
@seychelles that’s what I am trying to do remember all the holidays we went on and she was at her favourite restaurant the week before she passed with me and her grandson.
I think it’s so difficult because they were always there and now they are not and the routine is gone. I am really struggling this week and just glad I work from home, my poor son I have bit his head off a few times (I did apologise tonight and he gave me a hug) and yes know the feeling not in the mood for seeing anyone at the moment.
Just now this is our coping mechanism and if staying in is how you deal with it then so be it, we need to take it a day at a time. It’s just nice to know someone else is feeling the same.
Look after yourself and happy memories
Valda
I’ve been quiet for a while, it is take a while to process last Friday.
It has been a very tough week, I’ve been getting up and dressed. Struggling with motivation to do anything.
Yesterday was tough, at the time the funeral happened the week before i broke, cried for 2 hours straight, thankfully a wonderful work colleague was on hand and let me get it out. Today has not been great either, spent it so far just wanting to call Mum so much, i just want so much to hear her voice again, just to talk about nothing at all really like we used it. Does anyone have tips to manage that?? Due to work commitments we kept to scheduled time and day’s of the week to call unless i had a free day which I would most of the time would spend going to visit her.
I had a request from my sister yesterday which has starkly put in my head that i am going to struggle to let anything of My Mum go. I Have Mums phone, it is in a draw but i have it. My sister being sensible as it is very new asked if possibly she could have it to give to my neice. She is Type 1 diabetic and has just been green light to change her glocuse montior to a new brand which can be linked better to her pump. It can be controlled via Bluetooth and her phone is not compatible. This is where we are butting heads. This was Mums phone, she used it, it has her pictures and messages, her emails on it, it is a snapshot of her life. I worked out what her pin was and can get it into, and just to wipe it away seems so wrong.
As well as what has happened with Mum, I feel like death is stalking me and familt members around us.
My last great Aunt died in December 2022, My Mum In January 2023, My auntie Carol’s mum in February and on Thursday my Auntie Sheenas 2nd husband, she remarried after my Blood related uncle died in 1980s in a freak helicopter crash of Scotland. I am now worried i will loss more people around me. As this all seems to be coming at once.
I can understand where you are coming from I am in the position where I am the only sibling but if my son wanted my mums phone the answer would be no. I am with you she has photos, messages etc that are a something that you can look back on for comfort.
These days are hard I am a few weeks in and I am not finding it any easier. Went to my mums favourite restaurant with my friend and we were there with her just before Christmas sat us at the exact table, was all fine but got home and been very emotional they are closing also so end of era as we went there when my son was only weeks old in his car seat. Stick to your guns phones are cheap enough these days and treasure these memories from your mums phone.
Valda xx
Hi,
It’s a no go from me about the phone.No way would I give it So personal. Don’t agree to it as you will regret it Just say buy her own .
Sorry sometimes it’s best to be as blunt as other people are to you
Deborah x
Thank you both.
I dont want to let the phone go, and I will gladly buy my neice a new one. I have the money to do so.
Waking up today that seems to be the least of my issues.
All I want today is my Mum back so much.
Even just to hear her voice at the end of the phone will do.
I never yearned and longed for something so much before.
I am single so have no-one at home i can talk to, it can get very lonely and it was Mum i would talk to at those times.
I feel extra lonely now and i have lost the preson who would help me deal with it.
It’s difficult when you have days like that and it just hits you and yes nothing else matters. Its morning and night as I realise it is another day to face without them and at night another day we didn’t have them.
Take care and look after yourself, it will be more difficult being on your own and hopefully you can get some comfort from somewhere.
Valda xx
Hi @Smasher3kuk - very sorry to read about the loss of your mum. I lost my dad in January and can really relate to your absolute longing to see her again. It’s such an overwhelming feeling for me too, and is usually followed by panic and terror of decades ahead without him. I still have my mum and I’m close to her but it’s not the same relationship. My dad was my best friend, confidant, support and rock. I feel guilty that I never told him how important he was, it was just a natural mutual understanding and the knowledge that one day he wouldn’t be there was so terrifying that I couldn’t give it much thought. I’m also single and don’t have kids so I fear a future of just pain, loneliness and more loss. The only consolation is we had many happy years together. And I have lots of photos and videos of my dad so maybe they’ll help persuade me he’s still near to us in the years ahead.
Hi
Similar story to you my mum fell and banged her head , she had surgery and was fine then about 6 days later she had several fits and detoriated rapidly.
She was also my best friend and support amd now when things go wrong and i would normally turn to her, it hits me over and over and am upset. Its nearly her 1st anniversary and when people say it gets easier he dosent. I shut my self off from people as i dont have the energy to pretend am fine some days.
Hi Smasher3kuk,
Thanks for your reply.Offer to pay for the phone then leave it at that.Dont negotiate just be firm but in a nice way.
You are doing so well even when you think you are not. It is hard enough when you have a husband at home I can’t imagine going through this on my own.
Post or write back whenever you want
Deborah x
So today we reach the first milestone event without Mum. The first family birthday with her gone, today is my youngest neices 15th birthday, my mum youngest grandchild.
Mum was so looking forward to this birthday, she has picked a bunch of new pandora charms to get her, knowing she would love them. Sadly she never got around to buying them herself but she shared pictures of the ones she wanted to get her to me. Mum had some cash in her flat so we used it to get them for my neice so we could technically say they were from Mum to her.
I am a mess as I type this to think we have already reached a point where we are already celebrating birthdays and other events that Mum will not see. It just feels so wrong to not have Mum here still in general but to already start having birthdays without seems so unmanageable.
I still think I am going to wake up and it has been a horrible dream and my Mum is still alive. I feel like I have got worse since Mums Funeral, like before that I had that date to focus on, and now I dont I am just in a pit of despair.
Thanks All
Rachel x
@Smasher3kuk it’s horrible isn’t it. I have to say that I feel the same as you that it’s not getting any easier. Mothers day is coming up and my mums birthday and I am dreading both (not that I am doing anything on mothers day)! It’s a struggle without them and sorry there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better as you just miss them so much. You just need to try and get through your nieces birthday if you can and don’t put pressure on yourself, she will have something special from your mum to keep. Sending you hugs.
Valda xx
