I miss my mum

[Elle2123]

I miss my mum. Its as simple as that. It hurts, I’m so sad, I cry a lot, I miss my mum.

I’ve not posted before and didnt think I ever would, but yesterday my grief got the better of me and I cried - a lot. On and off. In between doing chores and spending time with my children. I was exhausted. I am exhausted with all the sadness and the tears. It’s hard work to grieve for the loss of someone.

Recently, I have found that its okay to miss my mum and tell people that I do. And cry everytime I do! I miss my mum. And its okay. Im allowed to miss her.

Its been nearly 7 months since my mum passed and I miss her terribly. It feels like just yesterday I spoke on the phone with her and she wished me happy birthday back in June.

Sometimes, like yesterday the longing, and sadness and hopelessness and grief just gets me. Less often and not nearly so powerful now though.

I dont believe it gets easier - how does it get easier to miss someone you loved? - or that time heals - my heart will forever be broken but I will look on it differently - as I’m slowly learning to do. For me, I think my time is beginning to be filled with other things that I dont remember my mum has gone. It doesnt mean I’ve forgotten though.

Sometimes it feels like she’s here. I talk to her about my children, work, life - all the good and the bad just as I did before in between school runs, cooking dinner and as always time takes over and I do other things.

But I miss my mum. And it hurts to say it. That stupid lump in the back of my throat gets me every time I say it, and for a brief second it takes my breath away and the enormity of what has happened to my mum, me, my children and partner sinks in - our lives were different because my mum was here and now our lives are different because shes not here.

Omg it makes me so incredibly sad, I believe I’m grieving for myself, my children and my mum as to what we’re all missing - it breaks my heart.

My partner said to me a few days after mum had passed when I was in a mess, it felt a very lonely place (sometimes it still is) - you cannot have that amount of love for someone and they’re just gone, she’s here, in you and in the kids, this is not it - and I try, so bloody hard, to remember this when I’m on the floor sobbing wiping away tears and snot with my sleeve! Because, I miss my mum.

Sorry for my random post, if my post is a bit different from all the sadness, I have thought many times to post about my grief and my sadness and loneliness in it. But I have some slightly better days now and wanted to share that.

I understand though, not everyone will feel that way, especially if it’s very recent. I have days where it still does feel like yesterday and yesterday was one of those days!
So sometimes, and not all the time but sometimes it’s nice to know that we can miss people and be sad and that it’s okay but also we can laugh and find happiness.

When we moved house 8 years ago my mum wrote in a card - I wish you all lots of love, laughter and happiness in your new home - Its not new anymore, 3 children will do that to a house! My home has all of those things despite her not being here to share it, but because of my Mum we all can.

Take care everyone

[Scott99]

Im so sorry for your loss…you just described everything thats happening to me…my 2 best friends peter and sarah forced me to go to the funeral and literally carried me out…

[berit]

terribly sorry for your grief. mine is gone since 2016 and i think about her everyday, it comes and goes. miss my mother and father something awful.

[PSHm3]

Don’t apologise for a random post on here; needing an outlet for ‘whatever, whenever’ is why this site exists.

Please be very proud of your courage, your honesty, and the way you’ve described exactly what you’re going through. So many of us will recognise what you’ve written ( for me it was the shower not the floor) but will have held back from admitting it, or played it down.
There’s no right way to get through this; I don’t even think ‘getting through this’ is the right way to describe it. Your description of beginning to live with the grief, to accept that it is always going to be there but it’s ok to have better days too, puts it far better.
Thank you for that.
Cope with today, somehow, and hope for a better day tomorrow.

Think I might make that my mantra for the time being…

[Elle2123]

Sorry for all of your losses, its just awful.

Thank you @PSHm3 I have been there in the shower too - usually at 5am sobbing as no-one could hear me through the rushing of the water … that was the early days.

Although today has been a bit tough … I dont work on Thursdays so am at home. Pottering about and lonely … I used to drop the kids to school come home for a cuppa and call my mum. I hate Thursdays! Its a reminder that Mum isnt here to talk to. Just about everyday, boring life things! So Ive spent a lot of the day in and out of my grief, with lots of tears …

But your mantra sounds good … if I cry a lot today I might not, maybe so much, tomorrow.

[PSHm3]

Hi Elle2223,

I’m sorry you’ve had a rough day but you’ve nearly got through it. Horrible that something as simple as having a brew and ringing your mum leaves such a gaping hole in your life when you can’t do.
I heard someone say work expands to fill the time you give it; I prefer ‘the bigger a woman’s handbag the more useless stuff she’ll stuff in it’( Jill was brilliant at that) and I’ve decided grief is the same - the more free time you have the more grief will flood in. Then drown you.
Even worse if you’ve got a regular routine, like you on Thursdays. You know it’s lying in wait for you but feel powerless to stop it. Maybe reach a point where the build up to Thursday is almost as bad. It softens you up ready to ‘gut punch’ you when you are at your lowest point.

Trouble is, knowing all this doesn’t make it any easier! Other than finding a way to change your routine, pack your Thursdays with anything else to keep you occupied, which you probably do anyway, or develop a different routine for the day, like meeting another school mum for coffee etc there’s not much else I can offer.
Of course, if you’re lonely and isolated it’s so much harder as I know only too well. For me there’s so much empty time for the grief to rush in and drown me at the best of times. This Saturday though already feels like a lifetime of your Thursdays rolled into one - it’s Jill’s birthday. No matter what good advice I get, or give, I can’t see a way to escape what’s waiting for me.
Keep your fingers crossed and send me positive thoughts please. I’ll do the ame for yoi on Thursdays.

[Elle2123]

Thats exactly it! I so look forward to finishing work on a Wednesday partly knowing and looking forward to a good cry on the Thursday but also knowing how painful its going to be - i think grief does that to us though - we search for the pain and sadness to feel it …
I am planning to go swimming on Thursdays but again its building up the courage to change my routine to take me away from what was and now is normal …
It’s my sons birthday tomorrow too so happy birthday to Jill, she’s listening wherever she is - and of course sending you lots of positive thoughts … I hope you have something planned and wont be spending it indoors alone … take care xx

[PSHm3]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I’ll need all the positivity I can get because, sadly, alone and indoors is looking very likely. I’ve got no family within 200 miles, my neighbours are aways and countless cycles of chemo saw us become increasingly isolated .
Planning to do something seems pretty pointless too - it’s all too raw and doing anything without Jill seems wrong at the moment. I even got upset when I woke up to sunshine this morning and realised Jill would have loved going for a walk today.

The world’s just not right without Jill and your mum is it?

It is all too easy to get trapped into a negative routine so I know breaking it to go swimming will be difficult but you’re definitely doing the right thing.
You’re right too about grief and pain, we know it’s not good for us but still we seek it out. Sounds like being an addict doesn’t it!

Hope yours on has a great birthday tomorrow. He’ll need it without his gran too. Have a good one, it is allowed.

[D19]

Its been almost 4 years I cant go down the street she lived on with my Dad…every holiday I think of what she would have asked me to bring home for her…I fall asleep thinking of both my Mum and Dad and dream they are around and wake and miss them more.
We nursed her at home till she died (bowel cancer) back end of covid…no real help available just flailing in the dark to keep her comfortable…I am now health phobic almost…I fear every grumble or pain (I also had a bowel tumour) …so I get your grief…I mis her daily…miss both my parents …I have nobody to go too, to look out for me…I have a lovely husband, 2 sons and 5 grandchildren…but no parent! Its sounds ridiculous…dosent it .

[PSHm3]

Not remotely ridiculous at all. The two people who’ve been there for you at every turn, the two who’ve shared every moment of your life growing up, their unconditional love, spoken or unspoken, always there. Not something I ever had, but I can still begin to imagine how precious it was and as a result, how awful their loss must be.

Hard as it is to believe, they are still with you, in your heart, your memories, your values . Talk to them; share your thoughts, hopes and fears with them. You’ll already know what they’d say.

I really hope this helps - keep reaching out on here. There will always be people who care.

[Elle2123]

@PSHm3 i hope yesterday was not as painful as you were expecting it to be.
If you wake and think ‘what a lovely day Jill would have enjoyed a walk’ … you should go instead. Believe me i know thats easier said than done and i dont want to patronise you (im struggling to break my own routines! Its so easy to offer advice but doing it yourself … ) But could you not go and walk in her memory? Talk to her? Tell her that you did it, you got up and dressed and out of the house? Listen to the birds, the breeze - i dont know if you live in the countryside but nature helps me breathe through my pain, anger, sadness - not all the time, but it does help. Especially when the wind hits me in the face ! I know my mum is agreeing with what ive said!

@D19 i feel that sense of dread falling asleep like something is wrong in the world and i wake with the same feeling - even on a ‘good’ day , im still sad, like a shadow hanging over me …

Ive had a few moments of ‘this is real’ heart wrenching tearful moments - more than usual lately - this weekend as its been my sons birthday - there are less cards on the shelf and that breaks my heart because her picture now sits there smiling back at me instead - but no cards. Small things we take for granted but mean the world when theyre gone …

[PSHm3]

You’re right in so many ways Elle 2123.
I’m good at giving advice and useless at taking it. A walk is definitely not an option, it would simply be far too sad.
I did get outside though; armed with a saw and a machete I attacked a fallen tree that was crushing a neighbour’s fence and his sheep were escaping. Trust me, every blow was delivered with feeling. From that you’ll see that yes, I’m definitely in the countryside - great when there were 2 if us but very isolated now.

I do hope your son had a good birthday despite the loss of your mum. I’m sure you did your best to make it special for him. It’s funny how we can often manage to put on a brave face even though we’re being torn apart inside.
Fake it 'til we make it

[Mrsjgray92]

Spring flowers for all the mam’s who aren’t here.
Griefs strange some days you feel amazing others it’s the pits.
Take care of yourself