I lost my Mum in February. She was 64 and had not long come back from her yearly skiing holiday. As far as we knew she was fit and healthy and she looked young. My step dad is only 57 and is seriously struggling.
It was so sudden. She had a pulmonary embolism. She told me the day before that she felt better than ever. She was my best friend. I miss her more and more each day. Some days I struggle to function. I have three youngish kids and they just see me crying all the time.
I feel that everyone feels I should be OK now and over it. My husband is supportive but I know he is feeling the strain. My sister and I just just cry and cry. I feel lost x
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Hi. Lisa. āOver it by nowā!!! Whoever says that to you has no idea of the pain and should keep their mouths shut. It can be years after when memories hit us and remind. Never feel what you think you should be feeling. There is no normal in grief and we all do it in the only way we know how. Advice is irrelevant because itsās such an individual thing. We all grieve in our own way and at our own pace.
You know, itās not very long is it? Just over six moths is so little time. Cry then, as much as you want. Never bottle up emotions.
If you have yours sister to support you then thatās good. You can support each other.
This is an awful time for all of you, but there is hope and there is a distant light to aim for. I am sure your mum would not want you all grieving for her. Take your time and take care of yourself and those around you. Give each other as much comforting love as you can. Love is so important at times like this.
Blessings. John.
I read somewhere it was the worlds greatest secret. The pain on losing a mother. Nothing can prepare you for it. You know itās not going to be exactly pleasant but never in your wildest nightmares could you imagine the pain. 6 months is no time at all. Iām 3 weeks off the first anniversary. I donāt cry every day. Some days I feel numb and still canāt believe sheās not here. Other days the crushing realisation she isnāt here will make me cry all day.
Iām so glad you have your sister to cry with hopefully that will make this feel less a lonely path. Be kind to yourself. Donāt worry about the children seeing you cry itās a healthy expression of love and grief. My two have seen me in all sorts of states over the last year.
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Hi lisa
I lost my mum to a sudden brain haemorrhage 13 months ago. Although she was 10 years older than your mum at 74, she was fit, happy and healthy and I thought she would live until her 90s.
The shock is still with me now and I dont feel I will ever come to terms with losing her. People barely mention her and the assumption is that I am fine. My daughter who is 13, regularly sees me cry.
I just plod along with life hoping that one day a spark of happiness comes into it again. You are not alone
Cheryl x
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Thank you for your replies and support.
Iām think at 38 I am not young to lose my Mum but at the same time everyone I know has their Mum and they play a big part in their lives and none of my close friends can comprehend losing their Mum yet!
Over lockdown (we were shielding because my 6 year old takes immunosuppressants) whenever I text a friend they would then respond with how much they miss their Mum, Dad and even their Grandparents. I really do get it, it was horrible for everyone. But Iām not going to see mine ever again but it feels like a taboo that we are not aloud to talk about as people feel awkward.
My in laws are lovely but they change the subject as soon as my Mum comes into the conversation. I think the suddenness of her death has shocked them, especially as she never smoked or drank and seemed in better health than them. My father in law quit smoking almost straight away. X
Lisa
It certainly has shocked me to the core. A week before mum died we were shifting stones in the garden and doing the garden pots. I had to go indoors and take a rest but my mum kept going. We joked that she would outlive us and inherit our house.
A week later mum was gone.
I see really old people slowly moving along the pavement or behind the wheel of a car looking ancient, and I feel such bitterness.
I also lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when I was 27 and he was 53.
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Shortly before my husband died suddenly last November aged 64 we had been concerned about our neighbour who was looking unwell and very down about his failing health. We had offered to help in any way we could. He turned 80 last December, had major surgery in January and is now building his own garden shed!
I am surrounded where I live by retired couples quite a few years older who have seemingly survived the impossible. I constantly wonder why my husband never got the chance.
I realize how we live is within our control but how we die definitely isnāt.
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Lisa Iāll never understand how cruel life can be. How some people live to a 100. And those that die much much younger.
You will find that people will suprise you. There are those that you expect to be there for you who are not. And people who are there for you who you wouldnāt have considered. Grief is a lonely process unfortunately no one understands unless they have been through it. Iām 46 and still loads of my friends have both parents. And Iām still bitter and jealous. I try and count myself lucky I had her for so long but she was only 70 which I think is still too young.
Pull together as a family. The rawness does get a little easier.
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Yeah I am lucky to have my sister and stepdad. I feel bad as Iām struggling to spend time with my Nan (my Dadās Mum). She was never someone I went to for emotional support. But she just moans about growing old and I just feel so angry that my Mum died before her. It makes me feel like a bad person. Obviously I try and hide this as best as I can x
Lisa2, Iām sorry you lost your Mum. My mum too passed away suddenly ten months ago.
I gain the impression that society expects us to just quietly get on after a loss.
To hide our grief away. If people ask many months down the line how we are doing - we end up saying ābearing upā or āok-ishā. Not the truth - itās agony.
For most people it will feel raw and painful for a very long time.
For some reason we donāt, as a society talk about death/grief prior to it happening. Then when we have to deal with there are learned no tools and coping skills.
Grief is over-whelming.
Hi jobar,
I know and I feel bad for feeling angry and bitter but it all feels so unfair doesnt it?
Cheryl x
Hi Lisa. I completely understand how you feel. My mum died in February, too. My dad is no longer with us (he died suddenly, aged 54) , and I no longer have my grandparents either. I have a sister, but we donāt get on at all. My friends were very supportive at first but that has tailed off as I suppose everyone must feel I should be feeling less sad by now. But Iām still hurting so much! I have 2 children and I donāt like crying in front of them too much because it upsets them and makes them worry about me. With lockdown, it has meant I havenāt even been able to cry on anyoneās shoulder. So my kids have been my rock. Youāre not alone. And I know exactly what you mean about people being upset about not being able to see their parents because of lockdown! I just want to scream āAt least youāll be able to see them eventually! Iāll never be able to see mine!ā That sounds selfish, but I canāt help it. Please just know that you are not alone. We will cope, just stay strong for your little ones, and remember the wonderful memories your mum left you with. x
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I am so sorry to hear about your Mum as well (and your Dad at such a young age) How old are your kids? I have always been close to my Mum (I didnāt phone her everyday when I was in Uni but I think that is normal). But I have found that our relationship grew when I got married and had kids. She became my companion, my best friend, the person I could talk to about anything. She helped me so much when my little boy was diagnosed with crohnās at 4 years old and sat with me through every hospital stay and appointment.
My sister is autistic (high functioning) and she relied on Mum. I was so worried about her but she has been a rock to me.
I can not ever imagine being Ok again at the moment xxx
Oh my gosh, Lisa. I feel for you. I can imagine how much your sister relied on your mum, and now you have to be there for her. But it sounds like sheās being there for you just as much! 
My kids are 26 and 11. But my 26 year old has Downās Syndrome so is very much younger than my 11 year old in most ways. She used to go to my mum one day a week. That was so much help to me, but it meant so much more to both her and my mum! They used to love their days together.
Iām so sorry to hear your little boy has Crohnās. How is he doing? How are your children coping with losing their Grandma? xxx
Your daughter must miss your Mum so much. How is she coping with the loss? My eldest daughter is struggling the most. She has just turned 8. They use to go swimming together every Wednesday after school. This last year you could really see their relationship growing as she was growing up and it was lovely to watch. I was so close to my Grandma and I guess I could picture them being the same 
My other two are 6 and 4 so they donāt really understand.
My son is doing really well at the moment. He is on strong drugs but they are working
Xxx
I totally understand how you feel,my mum died in February suddenly from heart attack,it is so shocking and painful and no one l know knows how it feels,l have two brothers but they donāt want to talk about it,will take a lot longer to accept this and accept l canāt talk to her every time I want to,canāt even bear to go to her house x
Itās so painful,l know x
Iām so sorry you are going through this as well. I am really lucky that I have my sister and my stepdad to talk to even though all we do is cry. I cried this morning as I remembered my stepdad bringing the still warm cups of teas down the stairs.
I havenāt tried the grief help lines but my stepdad has. It may help if you have no one to talk to about what has happened. Itās the first time we havenāt had our Mumās help and guidance xxx
Thank you,l might try that.Glad you have some one to talk to, sometimes l just want to remember nice times with her even though itās bitter sweet but not sure anyone else is ready for that. My mum was my rock,always there,always loved me no matter what.
Hi. Vettari. Welcome. āFeeling less sad by nowā. Ridiculous, and anyone who says that should be ignored. How do they know how you feel? Six months is no time at all to be feeling better. You may well be seeing a glimmer of light in the darkness, but even that can be elusive. You will, as we all do, grieve in your own way and own time. Each individual copes in their own way. No rules or methods apply. Co called āfriendsā do tend to taper off, but you may well find new friends who understand, as on this site.
You have your kids who may give you a reason for coping, as you surely will. Itās very confusing for children when someone passes. They can hardly accept or understand what has happened, that someone they have loved is gone.
What you have said is not at all selfish. We have all felt that way.
Take care, look after yourself and your family. Be kind to yourself.
John.
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