I’m 31 and my mum was 69, so I always had that back end anxiety of “will I get to be with her long?, she had me at 38 and I was jealous of my friends who had younger parents, I was even jealous of my own older siblings who had been with with her for longer, who have married and both had kids in front of her. I haven’t done either.
She suffered a large stroke and then passed away two weeks later and I’m left with her last memories in that hospital bed, full of wires, drips, leg compressions, nil by mouth, oxygen mask, catheter etc… you never think your worst nightmare would come true and to be left with such traumatic imagery makes me so angry at my dad, angry at the NHS, even angry at her.
I feel as though I’m falling down the rabbit hole and I have no care for anything, even the world keeps showing signs at me constantly, especially on TV. She was proud of my dream career but I now don’t even want to do it anymore, I’m slowly letting go of everything but I know deep down it’s the tiny pockets of joy that keep me here every day. She would hate to see me like this and I know she would try to cheer me up immediately or do something quirky and odd.
How do you go from daily phone calls to nothing? Life is very grey and my soul is tired.
I read this and just had to comment @Danniidoh Because your story and your relationship with your mum is vastly similar to mine.
I lost my beloved mother on Mother’s Day this year. She was 79. I’m 42 now was 41 when she died.
My mum was 38 when she had me, I was her only child, my real biological father left us when I was only 2. For many years until she met the man I call dad now, it was just the two of us. My mother and I were extremely close. She was my best friend as well as my mother, she was my support, my rock, and when her dementia became severe I became her support, her rock and her carer.
I have the image of her lying dead on the hospital bed in my head now, clear as day, I can’t get it out of my head.
When she died the void of her absence became unbearable even now there isn’t a moment where I don’t miss her, cry for her, want her back. I thought the same there wasn’t a day we didn’t speak yet now nothing. The void is immense.
When she died I couldn’t imagine living without her, yet nine months later I’m still here. Is it easy? God no. I have no energy for life, to do anything, to even just live. But I’m still here. She would hate me for letting her passing break me, she’d been preparing me for her death long before I actually realised it. She would say to me; nothing and no one lasts forever. But even if you can’t see or hear me I’ll still be with you. I tell myself that daily.
What I am trying to say is, grief is hard, grief is unforgiving, grief is immense, grief takes over. You have to follow the process but trust that it’ll get easier. You’ll never get over her death, you just learn to live with it. Don’t give up on your life, because she wouldn’t want you too, she had her life, she lived it fully, it’s your turn now. Be kind to yourself, and remember you are never truly alone.
