I lost my Nan in January this year. I was the one who found her… i was just meant to be popping in for a cup of tea and to see how she was. It was such a shock. It wasn’t expected or anything. I dream of her, that she’s come back but then I have to wake up and face the reality of it. I’d only seen her a few weeks before and shed seemed so well but had begged me and my sister not to have to go home. But she lived so far away but I wasn’t working and I could’ve stayed the night but I didn’t. I wish I’d seen her more. She lived on her own and always hated it when we had to leave. And now all I can remember is washing her hair that last time and her feeling cold so we put the heater by her feet to warm her up. When I found her that horrible day I wanted to wrap her in my arms and warm her back up and tell her it would all be ok but I couldn’t.
Now random things that remind me of her make me burst into tears. My husband is brilliant but he works a lot and I don’t want to talk to my mum because it was the last of her family as her dad and brother had already passed away a while ago. I know she’s struggling and I don’t want to make it worse. I just don’t know who I can talk to. I just needed to write this all down and to get it out there. I miss her so so much and I feel I could’ve done so much more but it’s too late now.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your nan and that you were the one to find her - it sounds as though that was a horrible shock. It is understandable that you miss her very much. I don’t think talking to your mum would make things worse for her - she must be grieving anyway, and she might be glad of the chance to share things with you and support each other.
It’s really important to have outlets for your feelings, as bottling them up can make things even worse. It’s good that you’ve been able to write things down here, as many of our users do find this a good place to get things off your chest.
You might also find it helpful to take a look at these posts from other people who have lost a grandparent:
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-bereavement/first-loss
https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-bereavement/can’t-seem-‘move-’-and-still-crying
If there is anything I can help with or you have any questions about using the site, just let me know.