I missed the call from my boyfriend to tell his dad has died

Coping with bereavement
1

My partner of four years has just lost his father, and I Missed his call where he needed me most.
We are in a long distance relationship, We love together, but he is away for six weeks at a time and only home for two.

His dad has not been well for past couple of years, And the last few days, the doctors have told us that he is nearing the end of his life. While my partner cannot be here to visit his dad in the Care home, I have taken Upon myself to go and visit him, at least once a day since I’ve been back from holiday.

I went today to go and see His dad and I could see he was not okay, And even though he did not recognise me, I sat with him so that he wouldn’t be alone For as long as I could.

Work in the evenings and When I got home I had to clean the house and get ready for the next day, and my phone died without me, knowing as it was past 11 pm.

When I finally put my phone on charge and it got some life, I had lots of missed calls from him And a message saying “ Your phone is off when I need you the most” From 30 minutes earlier. I tried to call him back several times, and he just put the phone down. His sister sent me a message to say that Their dad has passed away In that time As well. And I sent him a message to tell him that she told me and that I was sorry for his loss, and that I am sorry that I missed his call, Followed by me trying to call him back we just kept on hanging up. He once again told me “ Your phone was off when I needed you the most”.

Now He won’t talk to me at all. His dad Meant the world to him, and I know how hard this must be for him, not to be here when it happened. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do, I want to be there for him, but he won’t answer my calls or read my texts.

Any advice on how to deal with the situation would be greatly appreciated as this man means the world to me, and I just want to be there for him. And it feels like because of the silly mistake, I made not to Put my phone charge, I have disappoint him.

1 Like
2

@Shelly8099, thank you for reaching out. I can hear the pain in your words. I’m giving your thread a gentle bump - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts.

3

I think this is 1. him being out of his mind with grief. 2. an indicator to you about your relationship.

if you were spending time with his father in a care home and making regular visits as a kind and loving partner, no person in their right mind would accuse you of not being there. something is up with him, aside from the grief.

4

This is not your fault obviously your partner is riddled with grief but you didnt let ya phone die on purpose accidents happen an i dont think he should be treating you like this like the other person commented you were there for his dad visiting every day its obvious how much you care hopefully he will see that cos right now his head will be all over the place

5

Thank you for your response,

It has been four days since his dad passed away. The Two days he really wanted to talk to me, giving me one word answers or just reading my text And ignoring them. And then the only time we would talk to me would be about getting things done – I was a secretary. I hit my head at work which broke the skin, and His response was well. That wasn’t very clever was it?

Yesterday, his replies got better, bit longer but About other things. I thought he was Starting to forgive me, And today I want to ask him to talk to me. At work, he beat me to the punch… I wish it was in a good way.

I am currently sitting in my car, bawling my eyes out, Because he told me that I made no effort to try and talk to him And ask him how he is doing.

You told me I was unreliable and he doesn’t need anyone in his life, and he doesn’t want anyone in his life anymore.

I said to message Tattoo 3 times a day saying I’m thinking of him and I hope that he’s okay. A good night message to tell him that he could talk to me if he needs it. Needless to say that the message I got this morning really Broke my heart

6

It doesn’t sound like he’s being at all fair or kind to you. It may be best that you focus on your own wellbeing and leave him to focus on himself for the time being.

1 Like
7

It sounds like your partner is reacting out of the intense grief and pain he’s feeling, pushing everyone away, and possibly redirecting the anger that often comes with grief towards you. They say you lash out at those closest to you - that doesnt make it any easier for you when you know his accusations arent true.

Bear in mind his brain and body are currently in fight or flight mode - that means the rational part of his brain is probably switched off and hes making decisions based on his raw emotions right now. The initial pain and anger hes feeling might settle in a few days and he may become more rational. I found i pushed everyone away initially but then after 4 weeks suddenly needed people in my life. Grief is incredibly isolating so at some point i think his statement that he doesnt need anyone in his life may no longer ring true. I guess the dilemma is do you give him space for now to deal with his grief, do you continue to keep contact just so he knows you havent given up, or do you walk away? The only thing I’d say is this is still really, REALLY early days and grief is such an intense experience, the brain and body just dont know how to handle it inititally and so it can make people do things that seem out of character. Its hard to comprehend unless you’ve been through it.

The only other thing id add is whilst im talking about his initial fight or flight response settling down, grief is a LONG journey your partner wont suddenly return to “normal” - grief stays with you in some shape or form forever. Im 5 months on from losing my Mum and i still feel completely broken. Having people who you can be completely honest with who dont try to “fix” your pain is invaluable :heart:

1 Like
8

agree … the wise thing to do is depart.

allow him all the space he needs and protect yourself from his anger as you do not need it nor deserve it. he knows you are there. I think he is taking it out on you.

break off and if the one day he returns with remorse, then think about it.