I missed the signs!

This is my first post.
I lost my mum last year to cancer. She was taken into hospital and diagnosed with stage 4 … then to hospice care and for her final couple of months she was isolated in a care home without her family due to Covid . I feel so angry that firstly I missed all the signs that she was so unwell and that she hid how poorly she was probably through fear. Could I have changed things for her? The answer is I will never know!

I am just now angry that I couldn’t spend quality time with her in her final days and reassure her.

I know I’m not alone but I don’t know anyone who has gone through this.

Dear Vickyv,

Losing your mum is really hard, as I know from experience. It must have been even harder to lose your mum during a time when so many people were not able to be with their loved ones when they most wanted to. I have read many posts on this site from people who have been in a situation similar to yours and always felt very sad when I read their stories. Please do not make things harder for yourself by ‘what if…’ questions and regrets, or even misplaced feelings of guilt. I am sure that you have done what you could and where allowed to under the circumstances and your mum must have understood. There is no way of knowing if things could have been different if your mum had sought medical help earlier, or if you had noticed anything and urged her to do so. I have read many stories on this site from people who were not aware they had cancer until it was well advanced. Recently I lost my mother in law. In July she was taken into hospital for shortness of breath and it was discovered that she had stage 4 lung cancer. She had always attended medical appointments and had regular check-ups for various conditions, yet this was never spotted. There was nothing that could be done for her and she passed away at the end of November.
I hope that you will find peace in knowing that you loved your mum and she loved you, and that it was only due to circumstances beyond your control that you were not able to spend the quality time with her you wished you could have had.
Jo

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Thanks so much for your wise words and reassurances. I know in my heart you are right and with time my head will catch up. Thanks also for sharing your stories and I am too sorry for your loss.

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