I need help

I lost my darling in January & I have been on this forum before. I thought I was coping but now after all these months I seem to be missing him even more . I try to fill my days & I have a wonderful family & friends but it just seems to be getting harder & more painful . I think reality is sinking in & I am realising that I will never ever see my darling again. I talk to him everyday & tell him that I am so unhappy & wish he could help me & make it all ok , then I feel guilty that I should let him rest in peace but I am so selfish I just can’t let him go . Is this normal after all these months?
I know my life will never be the same again & I know I must accept it but it is so hard will I ever feel any better?
Don’t get me wrong I don’t cry all day everyday & anyone that knows me will never know how I feel as I always keep smiling & hiding my true feelings. I just need some sort of reassurance that everything will be ok. My darling husband always reassured me until the very end & then he just said"I can’t " cos he & I knew he was going to die but we never ever mentioned death at all. So sorry I am saying all this but I know you understand how I am feeling & I am just feeling so terribly alone & scared of the future.

Hi. Unhappy.
I’m so sorry you feel as you do. I know how you feel. Been there.
Words like ‘right or wrong or normal’ have no meaning in bereavement. Nothing to do in grief is wrong because you do what you want to as an individual which makes you different. Everyone of us is different. We are all unique beings and there is no ‘normal’ in any of this.
It may be years later it hits you again, but it’s not long ago for you so try and accept how you feel as part of the process of grief. It is a process and a natural one. What has happened to you and us is a life trauma.
Never feel guilty about talking to your loved one. They understand and do all they can to help. I honestly believe that. No one ‘dies’. We see death as a finality; it’s not.
I know about keeping a smile on your face for others when you weeping inside.
And another word that has little meaning in grief is ‘sorry’. Never be sorry unloading a burden for others to share. But it has to be the right ‘others’. We all do it on here and that’s what the site is for, sharing.
None of out lives will ever be the same. No way! But if we try not to look ahead too far and take it day by day it can ease. Honest.
After nearly a year I still feel alone and scared often. But not as often as I did. I keep my eyes on that light at the end of the dark alley. It’s there but we can’t hasten our pace toward it. We have to take it slowly and as easily as we can manage.
Now take care. You sound the sort of person who cares, not just about yourself but others. But be kind to yourself as well. You need TLC as much as anyone.
Blessings. If I may be permitted a hug?

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Dear Unhappy
Yes, I know exactly how you are feeling. It has been six months with me now and it seem to be getting worse. I have days when I can’t control the tears from flowing and then a day of numbness when I shock myself and don’t have any feeling. As time goes on I think the reality starts to get a hold and the dreadful truth of never seeing him again makes it so unbearable. Like you, I just want to know everything is ok, that he is ok and to get some peace and reassurance. I talk to him and write to him all the time and now I have been advised to have more counselling. I know they say the funeral is the time to say goodbye, but I can’t let him go and I don’t want to let him go. In a way I am prolonging my own agony but we can only be as we are and I just pray that we will gradually adjust in time and learn to accept it. My thoughts are with you.

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Hi it is only 13 weeks since my husband died but sometimes it seems a lot longer. The evenings and weekends are the worst. I tell everyone im doing ok and put a brave face on. I long to be able to tell him about my day , like we used to do. It is so lonely .Family and friends are wonderful but I miss my husband so much. He was always laughing and joking and just made me smile. How I miss all this . Love to you all xx

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Thank you so much for all your replies. Our lives are so tough. I know I am not the only one suffering & it does help so much to read your replies. Our children seem to be coping & I do understand the grief they are going through & I try & help & reassure them that they will come through this intense pain so why can’t I practice what I preach ?I think I was just having a bad day & dreading the long dark evenings not being able to be in the garden for months well not sit plenty of jobs to do I know . Today is another day & start of another lonely week but I can’t change anything so must try & cope.
Thinking of you all .

Dear unhappy
Jonathan has written what most of us would say to you. Although each of our experience e are unique we all share a common bond. My husband died two years ago and I’m only just beginning to function as a single person now. We will never have that life again. You will never completely stop grieving. I talk to him a lot. Tell him about my day. That way I feel he is still part of what is happening to me. Embrace your grief don’t fight it. Be kind to yourself.

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Realising you need help and can’t cope alone is a good step, we all think we are tougher than we are.
I know how you feel, I thought I was coping. I rediscovered my faith in God because I know my sweetheart lives on in me. I feel blessed that I have a guardian angel watching over me from heaven, but it doesn’t alter the feelings of being so alone. I draw comfort from being with other people in church but it also has drawbacks. Yesterday there was the mention of Christmas and it really set me back, I ended up calling the Samaritans last night. We had 21 Christmases together and it was always a special time of year, I don’t know if I can face one alone. I have family, I live in a house with three other people, I have two sons and a granddaughter living elsewhere in England, but I’m still alone. You will all know what I mean by that.
I’m five and a half months into grief and from personal experience it’s become harder not easier. At the beginning we have things to deal with, then we don’t and life seems emptier than ever. It only hurts as badly as it does because we loved them so much.
Nothing you feel in grief is abnormal, it’s the most devastating thing we ever deal with. This site helps a lot where we can share but sometimes we need someone who will listen when we talk and cry. Don’t be afraid to reach out, asking for help comes from strength not weakness, it takes a strong person to admit they can’t deal with it alone.
Prayers and best wishes, Carl.

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Thank you all so much. I am feeling a little better reading your replies It’s comforting to know we are all thinking of each other. Have a good day all hopefully not too many tears . Maybe the sun will come out soon that always helps.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last November due to prostate cancer. It was such a shock as he was only 63 fit and healthy worked hard every day. We had a lovely life together for 39 years. I miss him so much and the loneliness is unbearable. I have a lovely family who are very supportive and I am trying to put on a brave face for them which can be really hard. It is reassuring to read the posts on this site to know we are not alone and that all these feelings are normal and there is some hope for the future. God bless you all x

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Hi. June. You say these emotions and feelings are normal. Now that realisation in itself is a big step forward. We may say ‘how can this awful pain be normal’? People who suffer from anxiety fail to realise that their feelings and emotions are ‘normal’ in the circumstances. Just as it’s normal to feel physical pain so it’s normal to feel emotional pain, especially after such a traumatic loss as we have all suffered.
I always feel that understanding what is happening to us in grief helps. It may not help everyone.
There is hope for the future. I see that faint light ahead. It doesn’t mean I will ever forget. No way; but the pain will diminish.
It so often happens that the pain may be delayed and that we feel worse after some months than we did at the beginning. This too is normal and needs be accepted.
Accepting how we feel without fighting and struggling with emotions is helpful; if we can. But they do seem to take over at times. Let them. There’s no shame or guilt in grieving.
I too am a Christian although not much of a churchgoer. The words of Christ I find helpful. My faith did take a knock at first. The ‘whys’ kept coming up.
When I said in a previous post that nothing is ‘normal’ in grief I meant that although it is generally normal each person will react in their own way. It’s like having some physical disorder. We all react differently.
Suelei says ‘embrace your grief’. Exactly! Fighting it won’t help one bit. Acceptance that the past is gone, hard as it is, can bring a little relief.
Blessings to all.

Sorry I haven’t replied earlier to all your posts but have been having a bad time lately. Our youngest son had a bit of a breakdown he has now starting counselling I feel so bad that I couldn’t help him & didn’t really see it coming. I have tried to reassure him & explained how I felt about losing my Dad & it’s set me back again I am now missing my Dad & my husband & feeling so sad for my son & with the long dark evenings beginning I am feeling very sorry for myself & am so frightened that something will happen to our Son I constantly overthink everything the what ifs etc I try to keep busy & trying to sort out things but I just can’t part with any of his clothes it is so painful & I really don’t know what to do with his things anyway so I am just keeping them there’s no need to do anything is there? I feel he is still around me & if I give them away I will feel so lonely. I can’t bear to scatter his ashes either I may do it on our Wedding Anniversary. I will be grateful for any help. Thank you all for reading this long long letter sorry I guess it’s just another bad day
Take care all x

Thank you for your words of wisdom Jonathan and the hope that no-one ‘dies’. The fact that we feel them all around us, talk to them, write to them and just sense their presence. It seems that there must be something more that we can’t see from this plane.
I have been feeling worse as time goes on, now that I don’t have so much to do regarding his affairs. It’s back to the routine but without him there and it’s so quiet and lonely. Most of the people I speak to just want me to say ‘I’m fine’ or try to be bright to ‘jolly’ me along when all I want to do is explain how I am feeling, get it off my chest and feel some understanding from someone. They don’t have to fix it, just listening and acknowledging is a release but people feel they have to find a remedy and feel awkward if they can’t. I do get so lonely and feel so isolated, not having any family or people I feel able to drop in on. I know I have to go out and meet people but I really don’t have the energy or inclination. I just long for each day to be over and can’t see any meaningful future ahead. Thank you all for your posts, they’ve been so helpful to read and to know we’re not alone.

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