I need my Mum.

[B16]

Hello everyone,

I am new to joining this community and this is my first post on here. I apologise because it is a bit of a long one but I really would appreciate any advice or guidance.

My Mum was a single parent and I considered her as my only caregiver. We were very close and she will always be my bestfriend.

In 2021 she died after battling an illness for around a year. When she was initially diagnosed I was 18 and preparing to go to university. I struggled at the time with processing that my Mum wasn’t well but was trying to begin the next step of my life at the same time with my Mum’s encouragement. I was constantly back and forth between home and my university city but spent majority of my time at home.

A few months before I finished my first year, my mum died whilst I was at home. Although she was unwell I was completely shocked. I just never imagined living and my Mum not being there because she always was. I had family around me at the time but found it very overwhelming and gradually isolated myself. I didn’t know what to do so decided to proceed to my second year of university in September 2021. I really struggled with completing my assignments and began hating my course. It seemed like a pointless degree after everything that happened and I had no interest in it whatsoever. I had no interest in anything really. I managed to complete my second year and decided to take time out to really process things and sort out things at home (I ended up taking two years out). In the end I had to transfer to a different university for my final year due to it being closer to home so I could live at home although I still have no interest in it, and feel I did not perform well at all.

I am 22 now and have never been the same since my mum died. I have so much guilt about going to university whilst she was unwell and now I do not know how to move forward. Adjusting to living by myself was very difficult and I am constantly anxious, overwhelmed and upset, the thought of her is always in the back of my mind no matter where I am or what I am doing. I do not enjoy social situations anymore and barely keep in contact with my friends and family. I am trying to figure out my new career goals after regretting my degree choice but feel like I have no interests or passions and it just makes me feel like a failure. Im scared of being a disappointment to my Mum after all her love and support.

I miss her so much it hurts. My life feels like it was completely derailed and the one person that would make it all better is the one person I can’t have. It’s heartbreaking. All of the ‘milestones’ I pass all feel meaningless without her here. I don’t even want to go to my graduation. I just wish I could go back in time.

I would really appreciate any advice or guidance.

Thanks, B.

[Emilymay30]

I dont have any advice but i lost my mama suddenly to and feel the same, shes my bestest friend i hate life without her in it

[seychelles]

Hi B16,
First of all well done for carrying on with your uni work. It must have been such a struggle but you are doing your mum proud for sure. Everything you do in life will be to make her so proud of you.
I am in awe of how you have carried on . I really am.
Keep going ok bec you have come so far.
All the things you mentioned in your post are normal as you are grieving for your mum so much.
Well done on keeping your home going too.
Keep posting on here so you can gain friendships and support. People on here will help you as imply by replying and giving advice.
Thinking of you.
Deborah

[Adam86]

I’m so sorry B, you sound a lot like me. My mum was my primary caregiver too. Although I was 39, I was still like 14 really. I needed her more than anything. Please try to not feel guilty about going off to university. I did the same and went away for a week a few months before. Even though they are unwell, probably terminal, you don’t think it will happen especially if they are still ok and you still have to live some semblance of a life.

I’m starting to think it was practice a bit for when she wouldn’t be here anymore. Maybe that’s why she wanted you to try living away for a bit. It could have helped her seeing you manage ok.

I’ve lost touch with a lot of friends and become very isolated as well. I know what you mean about how nothing matters anymore, I so understand that. It’s even worse when you’re an only child too. I’m just sad for you you were and are still so young. I feel young at nearly 40, it must be so hard for you. You’re really not alone in how you are feeling, you feel like your whole world has collapsed. And it makes it harder when you are friends and neighbours still going about their lives.

[seychelles]

Hi B26,
Just popping in to see how things are with you today.
Adam has written some lovely words for you. People really care about you so keep posting.
Let us know how you are getting on today
Deborah x

[B16]

Hi Emilymay30,

I know exactly how you feel. Life is just not the same. Part of me feels like my mum will come back but another part knows she won’t. Its such a strange experience.

Stay strong!

• B16

[B16]

Hi seychelles,

Thank you for your lovely message.

Sometimes its hard to realise how far you’ve come when you are living it. I really appreciate your encouragement, Thank you, it really means a lot to me! I will take your advice and use this forum more to receive and give support as much as I can!

I hope all is well with you?

B16

[B16]

Hi Adam86,

Thank you for your message.

I think you are right, we really do not expect it to happen. I am sorry for the loss of your Mum, losing a parent is a shock and severe loss regardless of your age at the time. I hope you are coping okay?

You described exactly how I am feeling in that “You feel like your whole world has collapsed”. I think I am still coming to terms with the fact that although my whole world isn’t the same but my friends and family have not been affected in the same way. Its hard because it’s not their fault. It’s unfortunately just one of those things.

Also, I try not to feel guilty about going to university like you mentioned, but again its just hard. I always have the “what if” feeling, like if I did not go, maybe things would have gone differently? I know I can not change the past but I wish things could have been different.

I’m sorry to hear you also lost touch with friends and become more isolated. Do you feel more comfortable by yourself now, or do you miss when you were more sociable? Weirdly, sometimes I find a large amount of comfort from being more isolated. I think maybe because I don’t really have anyone around me that has been through the same thing, so they do not understand in the same way like I do.

I hope you are keeping well.

B16

[seychelles]

Hi B16
I understand exactly how you feel.
I feel the same about thinking my mum will come back.
It’s been 2 and a half years for me and so I have come to realise that if my mum could come back she would do anything to come back to me. It helps me when I am at my worse.
I have a photo of mum that I speak to every day and alongside it is a small vase of flowers that I change every few days. I pick flowers from my garden. That helps me to speak to her and give her something. I know it’s not the same as having her here in person but I had to find something I could do for her. It really does help me.
I have found that being distracted helps so I find all sorts of jobs to do around the house just to keep me busy. Just plan tiny steps for each day. In the beginning I couldn’t function at all so just getting up , making a cuppa was enough of a target for me.
It’s natural for you to think your degree is pointless etc because it’s grief making you think like that. It plays havoc with your mind. All sorts of emotions appear especially guilt. I did everything for my mum and slept on a chair beside her in hosp for three weeks before I finally persuaded the hosp to let me take her home. Then I slept on the sofa next to her bed for 3 weeks before she passed. Even though there was no way I could have done more I still feel terribly guilty that I could have.
I try to tell myself I did all I could but the grief makes the guilt feelings sneaky back all the time.
Please try to go to your graduation. Hold your head up high and graduate for both yourself and your mum x
When my son graduated I had just found out I had cancer and he didn’t want to go to the ceremony but he did go. We all went and somehow put on brave faces and got through it. You can do it too.
You are an absolute inspiration to others in carrying on after losing your mum at such a young age and achieving all that you have.
Keep posting on here as often as you want.
Sending love
Deborah

[Grief.stricken.son]

I also lost my mom recently, and know life will never be the same again. She was my best friend and was always there for me. The impact of her loss has been profound and my health is affected. Unable to eat, sleep, continual fatigue and now chest pains. When my mom died 50% of me died with her. Hence, I can empathise and relate to what you are going through.

[Adam86]

I’m so sorry for your loss too, you sound just like me. I feel like half of me went with my mum, she was also my best friend and everything to me.

I feel just like you, I’m unable to eat or concentrate. I just drive about and wander about all day, when I’m not sleeping. I’m just lost even not 9 months on.

Was your mum unwell? Take care and please know you’re not alone in this

[Grief.stricken.son]

Hi Adam.

I can relate totally with what you’re going through. You seem to be going through the same symptoms of extreme loss as we are here. My brother was the primary caregiver to my mum. I had taken on those duties when he was otherwise engaged. This continued for the last 6 years of her life.

The profound grief is deep and no one seems to understand, other than those who are experiencing the same types of grief.

She was in hospital for 6 weeks, and she had good days and bad days. We were at the hospital every day without fail. She seemed stable and was looking forward to coming home. However, nature had other ideas and cruelly taken our mum away.

My brother and I are lost and heartbroken . We cannot see a future without her. I do reiterate that 50% of us had died with her.

Don’t feel alone Adam, we are here if you want to talk.

[Adam86]

Thank you so much buddy, my mum was also in hospital for the last 10 days. I’m sorry that your mum was in hospital too and that it was 6 weeks. Did you know it was end of life or was there a possibility she would be able to pull through?

My mum also had good and bad days but generally she wanted to come home, it was ambiguous whether it was full on palliative or possibility she’d recover. But as that last week progressed, my mum started saying she felt she was dying and things like “I might not getting out of here though”. My regret is not heeding this more, I knew it could still go either way but I was absolutely determined she would be ok. I did everything the same as normally if she was in hospital. But I just wish I had spoken more about it and said all the things I should have said. I just sat there day after day, I just couldn’t even contemplate a life without her. I even went home early 2 days before and we were talking on the phone at bed time.

I’m glad you at least have your brother, I wish I’d had a sibling. It is just me, I’m just glad it wasn’t through the night and I was with her at the end. We tried to fight as hard as we could, it was our last battle together. But sadly, like you said, nature or God had other plans.

The thing was, I think deep down, I knew it was different this time. She had cheated death so many times over the years but this felt different. But when the time came, I was completely shocked it was happening.

I was suddenly faced with the situation I had dreaded and feared my whole life, I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I kept everything so open ended incase she would be ok but after trying everything I could and when I realised the sheer enormity of the situation, I still couldn’t actually say goodbye. I just told her how much I loved her and that it was ok to go, if she needed to. I tried not to say anything like “you can’t go, you can’t leave me mum, I need you” I didn’t want to upset her by saying anything like that. But it was all happening so fast I just didn’t know what to do. It was like I was watching myself in a dream.

I hope you got to be with your mum at the end. How old was she? I was sort of a carer to my mum but she was still very independent, she was still really my carer. I’m missing her cooking and us having tea together, all the things I just took for granted too much. Our laughs and us moaning together about TV shows and presenters.

I knew the day would come but I always thought in the future.

I feel half of me is gone too, I totally relate to that buddy. I find talking and counselling has helped but so like you, I can’t concentrate and feel my life has lost meaning and purpose. And it’s like you wake up and you realise it’s real again. The shock keeps hitting you over and over. This is real…I want to wake up still but life has completely changed forever. Just the fact, the most important person in my life, my whole life is gone. I feel so helpless that nature or whatever higher power, there is nothing you can do.

Please know I’m here for you too, at least we can support each other. I’m so sorry you’re also having to go through this.

[Grief.stricken.son]

Hi Adam.

Thank you for your lengthy reply. Upon reading your reply we relate to every aspect to the grieving process you are experiencing at present. We too are unable to sleep, waking up and reality hitting us again leaving a deep emptiness.

Our mother was 81 with many underlying conditions. We maintained stability with her condition over the past 6 years, but nature had crept up and and taken our mother unexpectedly. Within those 6 weeks in hospital she had an initial downturn to which she recovered, and doctors had seemingly stabilised her condition. However, the last week she was in, there was another downturn but this time the doctors were unable to save her. My brother and I were with her all day and all the way through the night, holding her hand and giving her reassurance while scrutinising the observation equipment. IE sats , BP etc.

We are still in a state of shock and numbness, and cannot see a way of moving forward. She was a profound part of both of our lives and we feel cheated she was taken away from us.

My brother was a primary carer , but we both had taken up the caring role as we lived with her. Now the house feels so empty and devoid of atmosphere. There are no more daily routines now she has gone. Unfortunately we are suffering physical effects of our loss, for example chest pain, fatigue, insomnia, lack of appetite, and dehydration. This has been unrelenting for over a week now.

How are you bearing up with your loss? Have you found any aspects of acceptance or are you still in the shock phase.

But don’t forget we are here too for support.

[Adam86]

Thanks so much mate, I’m here for you also and I can totally relate to everything you say and feel. I’m just sorry you’re going through the same, it’s heartbreaking. It’s the worst thing imaginable. If my father had died, I would have been sad but it wouldn’t have been nearly the same. Like you and your brother, my mum was my world. She was my best friend. I can only describe it as feeling like being widowed.

My mum was 73 and although she also had a lot of underlying conditions and was on dialysis, it all happened so fast at the end.

Its awful but like you I feel so cheated. I feel if she’d had another 5 years then maybe I could have accepted it more or something. She was taken from me too early and at the same time though, she was here a lot longer than she could have been. She was suffering so much and it was heartbreaking to watch her decline so rapidly those last few weeks. I felt so powerless. I did the same in the hospital, checking her BP etc and reassuring her it was all ok. She was stabilised and all was ok but the pain returned and her blood pressure started to go up and down. They even started turning the machine around so I couldn’t see it that day.

Just like you, I’m in shock still, it’s the wakening up and my heart is racing. I’m like you and your brother, my health has declined as well. I lived with my mum too but I also had my own house. My mum wanted to sell it as we were just managing the mortgage but I am sometimes so glad I kept it now. I tried to spend a few nights back home in my mum’s house and it was just absolutely awful.

Like you, it’s the emptiness, I keep looking for her in the kitchen and in the living room. I tell her night night like I always did. Neighbours carrying on like nothing ever happened. It’s totally unbearable. I can’t live there but I also can’t let it go either. I can’t bare to go through her clothes or handbag and belongings.

It’s all these huge decisions and things to do and I can’t run them by her, like I always would. Her passing and funeral was only the start of the process. I hope you have friends or people that can help you. I’ve found people thought the funeral was the finish and took off straight after but it’s like it was only the beginning.

Wherever you are, I can honestly suggest a group called Andy’s Man Club that runs local groups across the UK. I have been going for a few weeks and it’s a big help with lovely guys that are so welcoming. I hope something like this might help you and your brother.

Please try to look after yourself anyway, she’d want that so much for you both.

[Grief.stricken.son]

Thank you for your supportive advice.