Hi! My name is Asm and in the past few years I’ve experienced frequent deaths in my family however it wasn’t until recently where it affected me directly.
I grew up in a very very big family with tons of relatives and cousins, however the first time one of my cousins passed away was in 2017 from breast, I was 13 then and although it was upsetting it was quite easy to deal with since I was young and it was someone I didn’t see that often although I missed them and they were a big older sibling figure for me I felt more sorry for the family than I did for myself as she left a daughter behind. The next death I had “experienced” was in 2021 when my male cousin passed away from a seizure unexpectedly and of course it was shocking and decestating i once again felt for the family a lot more especially since I have a brother myself and I kept thinking omgs what if that was him. It wasn’t however until my aunt, a cousin of mine who I am incredibly close with’s mum passed way from cancer in 2023. had known about her cancer form the moment she was diagnosed and even then it was a very big shock, this was the first time I experienced grief first hand as I felt sorry for her daughter but I also felt bad for the fact I would never see or hear from her mum again.
it wasn’t until may of 2024 where we had two significant deaths in my family. I grew up with no sisters so my cousins who were around my age,2 of them, were the closest thing I had to a sister. I had spent weeks at their house, holidays with them, had their numbers memorised. The father of one of the two passed away at the start of may from illness and less than two weeks later, the other cousin of the two herself passed away suddenly. we still till this day do not know the cause of it. I genuinely do not know how to cope, I loved her like a sister, like a built in best friend, everything reminds me of her and I can’t stop crying I can’t stop grieving. I don’t know how to cope. I genuinely don’t know life without her she was born so close to me we experienced life together at every stage. I feel like everyone is dealing with it and I feel like I’m just sinking in it. I saw her mum recently and I went to talk to her about it and it was so comforting and heartbreaking to know I’m not alone in thinking about her constantly. I genuinely don’t know how she does it, I don’t know how anyone does. I feel like everyone knows I’m it dealing with it well, I’ve been told to move on but I’m so stuck idk how to. please any form of advice helps. I recently been dealing with it a bit better, I finally listened to a voice note I made about it the day I found out she passed after putting it off soo much and cried and just felt better that the pain I felt that day was gone, however grief took over the pain and instead returned in a more heart twinging way.
Asm, you have had so many losses in a relatively short time, all i can say is that you need to accept your grief, feel the pain and heartache and let your tears flow. The tears and the pain will help you to heal. You will always grieve it doesnt go away but it gets easier and one day you will be able to smile when you think of your loved ones that have passed away. Grief is the love you have for them and that will stay with you. You are carrying them with you in your heart and mind. Keep posting on here and reading posts as it does help. X