I don’t think you sound desperate, I feel very much the same, and that I will see Chris again. I feel he is still here in some way that I don’t understand .
He said that to die you have to give up the ego and become part of unerversal humanity. It was good that he was able to talk about his death as it made it easier.
But your experiences must have been very different.
Where I live there are several Neolithic long barrows near by so people have lived here about s for 1000’s of years. It gives a sense of perspective for me to be part of humanity’s continuum. I feel very happy to be so. You are right about things changing, it makes me think that over the generations expectations about life and death have changed and it is only our generation where it is more unusual to loose a child.
It was different ; he suffered with something called parasomnia which caused him to fit when he hadn’t had enough sleep sometimes and on this occasion it seems that he had had such a fit and then suffocated when laying on his front . It’s a bit unclear, but it’s happened and going over it won’t bring him back or make it any easier to deal with . I’m not sure for those left behind like you and me , whether it was sudden as with Nick, or you, knowing it was going to happen ,whether it makes it harder or less hard to handle , but I think that Chris was a very brave man to have known and to have talked about it with you in the way that you describe . I agree with him and you that this earthly life is just a stage that the human spirit passes through and that his spirit and nicks are still very much around , just not in earthly, body form. That belief is a great comfort to me but even though I believe it emphatically I still miss his earthly presence massively as you do with Chris . I think like you that our ancestors had a better insight and understanding of earthly death because it was a much bigger part of their daily lives although death still touches the lives of most people more often than I think we sometimes think . Maybe that’s because there are so many distractions in our lives which previous generations didn’t have which take our minds and attention away from it , but it’s still there nevertheless .
I think what you are doing, remembering the lovely times of when Nick was with you, knowing that his spirit is still here and wanting to make the most of your life is truly celebratory of Nick’s and also yours and James’ life, and it does take a lot of courage to do so.
I can remember going to the supermarket shortly after Chris’ death, and I could not understand how everything was so normal ! But I realised after a while, it is as you say, we cover things up nowadays with the business of everyday life, and if only we could see beyond the superficial, I’m sure many people would have their own stories of one sort or another !
life is bloody difficult . I wouldn’t wish what I’ve been through on anyone but it is comforting to know you’re not the only one . I do look at life in a different way now ; part of still thinks what’s the point but an increasingly bigger part of me thinks f**k it , I’ve got say 20 more active years to go if I’m lucky so I’m going to stop being too cautious and go for it. Not in a reckless way , I’m not planning to sell my house and stick the entire proceeds on a horse , but you can plan too much for the future and be too cautious . Nick would approve ; I really can almost him telling to me to go on dad ! as I write this message .
No you are not alone in this, all of us who have lost a child may have had many different experiences, but at the end of the day we all have to find a way forward of how to live with the horror.
I like your idea of being not too cautious - maybe nearly reckless.
Theoretically I suddenly have a lot of freedom as I gave up my job when Chris came home ill, but so far I am reluctant to go too far from home, it is my safety net and sanctuary .
I want to start doing some decluttering, which would include some of Chris’ things.I am having a real problem with this as they are just things, but also carry with them part of Chris. I go up to his room everyday, but have not moved anything - his bed is as if he has just got up, he’s just out with his mates, is n’t he ?
I don’ t intend changing anything there but he also managed to take over a downstairs room which is full of things like motor bike tools, oil etc, his drum kit, chess set and so on. What do I do with it ? What do I do with his motor bike ? It all meant so much to him, How do I let it go?
How have you managed this sort of thing ?
My daughter wants me to move to be nearer her which would be lovely, but I feel so close to Chris here would I ever manage to leave ?
Have you got any plans for non cautiousness ?
I know what you mean about Chris’s room and his things ; I wear some of nicks shirts ; James assures me they don’t look stupid on me and it makes me feel close to him. James is currently sleeping in nicks room while he’s here and commuting to university and I’ve largely left it to him to decide what stays or goes . I don’t want to stand still in time , paralysed by grief ; part of me wants to , but like sleeping too much to shut out painful thoughts it doesn’t work in the long term and id rather move on and make the most of the rest of my life , for me and for Nick as I know that’s what he wants me to do . But it has to be done gradually . I have kept a pair of red leather trousers he bought just before it happened though . All his friends joked about how garish they looked but he liked that , it fitted perfectly with his dry humour . Its my intention to keep them and when I die , to be cremated in them , if that doesn’t sound too morbid or weird and assuming they fit . A good incentive for me not to put on weight ! If you don’t want to part with some of Chris’s things why not box them up and store them somewhere ? That way you keep them but don’t keep feeling sad every time you look at them .
Your observation about Chris’s room being left like he’d just gone out with his mate I find deeply moving ; it sums up the such fragile link between life on this earth , and death . One minute here , then not . I know exactly what you mean . I’m feeling very emotional as I type this , but strangely not solely in a sad way , but in a defiant way too.
I find it very hard to accept that Chris will not be walking through the door, with his cheeky grin and ’ what are you burning for supper tonight, Mum '. Of course he moved away from home some time ago after university, so I was used to him not being around, just home for visits, and he was very good at writing letters, he had a very articulate way of expressing himself. But then he came home ill and we got very close. He called me ‘his runner’ because I was always making sure he had every thing he needed to be comfortable and pain free - but it was also quite ironic because he was the athletic one.
I now wear his socks which makes me laugh seeing them on my feet ! They are bright rainbow coloured stripes and reflect his bright personality. It is a happy thing to do. It seems it is the same for you with Nick.
I like what you say about feeling defiant, could you tell me more about that ?
I don’t want to give in to the pain and sadness or give up on the rest of my earthly life ; I’m frequently tempted to do both but I’m not gong to .i feel I owe it Nick and James not to . We’re only here for the blink of an eye ,. we shouldn’t take it ( life ) too seriously . I think it’s nice you wear his socks .
I too have been thinking of life and death. I am desperately trying to understand why cancer would kill a young man, and not me .it seems very random and makes life very uncertain. I suppose we expect answers nowadays and there is not always an explanation . My energy would be better channelled into something positive.
It would be easier if we were more used to talking about death - we are quite happy to talk about birth and life, but death seems to be taboo.
I have also been thinking there is a much finer interface between the physical state of being and the spiritual world. I wish I understood this more.
Sorry this is a bit morbid, but I have been feeling sad after having lunch with the district nurses who looked after Chris so well. They are beautiful people.
Hi Anneka
I too have the same thoughts as you, my son who was 34 came home from Sweden he was living and working there his partner was Swedish, they met while travelling, to tell me he had collapsed at Bromha tube station on his way to work and they had taken him to hospital where they diagnosed a brain tumour. He came home to tell me that was in November 2012. They operated here as he had another seizure and couldn’t fly back. It took them 18 hours to remove most of it (over 90%). He was paralysed down his left side but eventually walked again, but was his left hand never worked properly again. He went on for 4 years like that he even went back to snowboarding, swimming you name it he did it. I was starting to believe that maybe he was over the worst how wrong can someone get. In August 2016 his scan revealed that the tumour had started up in another place where this time they couldn’t operate. It was just going to be palliative care. I would not let him go to a hospice or hospital, I cared for him home here just like you. He died on the 9th December 2016, we had Christmas day on the previous Monday. I know that Sam is all around me I can feel him, everywhere I go in the house I find white feathers which I know are from him. I also saw a spiritualist who was unbelievable with what she said…how did she know such things? We only had a district nurse who came in the last 2 days but she was a really lovely person. Sam was such a caring person would always help someone whoever they were without thought for himself, we were so close and that’s why I’m struggling now I just never thought the tumour would return. He’d been through enough.
Your son sounds like he was a really determined and positive young man, to have come through such experiences, and get back to the sports he loved.
I think it is ok to struggle, it’s so early days yet, you are not alone, loosing a son is such a difficult thing (understatement ! ).
I have found it so helpful hearing paulsm’s suggestions of wanting to celebrate, and be positive about his son . It has been helpful in both being able to talk about memories about him, but also of beliefs that he is still around, even if not physically. It seems that you feel that as well.
I was interested in what you said about seeing a spiritualist, could you tell us more about that ?
I saw the geese flying north today, surely a sign of spring !
Hi Anneka
I have tried to be positive because that is exactly what Sam would have wanted, he went mad with me back in September '16 before after he finally told me they had found another tumour because I said I wouldn’t go away to Crete for the week, he said WHY…its a small tumour they’re not worried about it (meaning the doctors), he was the type of person that wanted to shield me, tried to make less of it all. I saw a spiritualist about 5 weeks after he died. She said all about him but she also said “he will be very proud of you when you run the race he will be running right alongside of you”…that morning I had thought to myself I would enter the race for life it is held on the Downs here every year, I had told no one as it was something I was thinking, she also mentioned about a black box I keep in the bottom drawer that I have never opened…again how did she know that. When Sam was first diagnosed in 2012 he wanted everyone to have a Christmas present as he was having his operation in January 2013. That was my present and I have never opened it apart from to take off the wrapping paper in front of him. The morning of his operation he would not be wheeled to the operating theatre he insisted on walking and handed me a card to open as he went out the door, in it was a sim card for a phone taped to the inside of the card, and he had written “please insert into brain after operation”!!! He had so much courage every night I ask him to lend me some as I find it so difficult to have the same amount of courage. Most mornings I say to myself oh I’ve woke up another day to get through, but I put one foot in front of the other because I know if Sam could do what he did I owe it to him to keep trying. I
Take care write again, Helen
I’ve been struggling a bit lately : I know he’s around , but I do miss seeing him . I know he’d be at university now and it would be difficult even pinning him down to replying to phone calls and texts much less seeing him. That thought helps a bit . I was the same but for less time when James went off to university a few years ago . I’d been so used to having both of them around , doing things together that it came as a shock when that period came to an end even though I knew it would . Nothing stays the same for long ,even without what we’ve been through . I’ve booked a holiday to Kerala for September . I went to northern India last year and really liked it . it’s a very interesting and a very spiritual place . Going to go Italy and see Pompeii in the summer . I hope it will help to recharge the batteries and help me carry on . When Life is your opponent , you need to be resourceful and imaginative in devising ways to keep the fight going without falling by the wayside don’t you ?
From Sam’s mum
Sam died two months ago to the day, and today his three best friends took a small amount of his ashes to Val D’Isaire in France and scattered them they also had t shrts done saying RIP Sam Bater with his picture on in his snowboard gear and underneath fly with the angels this was the place all of them went around this time of year to go snowboarding and had done so for the last 12 years. So now with the funeral parlour ringing and saying my ring with some of his ashes inside is ready to collect and the photos sent to me on my phone from his friends, it has really hit home hard that he will never walk through the door again, now I have no choice but to put one foot in front of the other and carry on in memory of Sam.
He won’t but he’s still there; earthy life is just a stage we pass through , some like your Sam and my Nick , faster than they should . And you’re right. you must carry on for his sake and yours even when you don’t want to , which you will frequently feel like . I know because I’ve been there and sometimes I still am .
I know what you are going through my son died on 24th November it was a shock it was unexpected he was my only child in having a ring made with his ashes in its called ashes to glass I miss him every day I cry every day I’m heartbroken x
Thank you both, It helps to talk to people who are going through the same horror. I suppose I had convinced myself that the tumour wouldn’t return but it came back with a vengeance. Sam was such a fun loving live life to the full type of person and would expect me to carry on. Like you Paul I talk to him every day. His urn with his ashes in are still here. We are waiting to have a red oak tree planted next November in a commemorative aboretum the tree is ordered but they wont start planting now till November. Like you Charlie I wake up and cry and wonder at the unfairness of it, but life isn’t fair and Sam is all around me I can feel him, today I went to a garden centre to see if I could find a nice big pot to put out in my garden with some of his ashes in there so I can see him every day, I was looking at one particular pot which I liked looked up and saw 2 robins so that is the one I will get, he let me know he liked it too. Charlie, for your son’s sake you have to carry on, try to find something that he liked that you could do and put your energy there, believe me it does help. Thanks to the skill of the surgeon in Jan 2013 I had an extra 4 years of good life with Sam and all the while making memories which I am holding on to so tightly, they will never go.
I know but they don’t understand I’ve got my sons ashes at home with me as well I haven’t got a partner so I’m home by myself
Oh Charlie, that is difficult do you have a network of friends? My best friend moved here from Plymouth to escape a dodgy marriage and gradually joined things she might otherwise not have joined, a believe it or not tone deaf choir!, and a painting class (she showed me the painting she’s working on) absolutely brilliant. Whatever it is try it, go out of the house even if it is only for a walk try Charlie and keep trying it is the only way to go forward with love Helen