I have been feeling very sad after reading about Nick’s and Sam’s death, but also in awe of those young men who made the very best of their lives, as did Chris . He also went through some very difficult times, but always bounced back, and kept cheerful.
We owe it to them to live our lives to the full.
Going to Kerala sounds amazing. I also have been to Northern India, and found it inspirational, I would love to go back sometime.
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I have been reading these posts and I feel connected. My daughter passed away from cancer aged 33 almost 18 months ago. I struggle with the unfairness of it and the utter devastation left behind. I had some sessions of talking therapy but didn’t feel it helped very much. I have searched for forums, chats, etc. and have found these better. Reading how people feel and that many aspects are the same or similar to my feelings have helped. Not knowing how to answer " how are you?" Is so difficult. I sometimes say " I’m ok but not". I have began to just say " I’m ok". At least I can then carry on a conversation. I understand it is difficult for people. My daughter was so happily married to someone who idolised her and also leaves a beautiful little girl. My heart aches for her husband and I worry so much about the effect it it may have on my Grandaughter although we have made her the priority in everything.
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I also don’t understand why cancer occurs in young people, it seems so random.
About a year ago when Chris was having chemo, a newspaper headline was going on about young people with cancer as smoking, drinking and being obese ! This was so far from the truth with Chris, who loved sport and took care about his diet.
It did make me angry, but this did not help with answering the questions WHY.
Also, Chris had cancer in his appendix, which spread to his bowel. He was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome for two years, and the cancer was only discovered when his appendix, and bowel perforated and he had major surgery.
I have come to the conclusion that it does not help thinking about the what if’s and why’s, just in remembering the good times we had together.
It must be so hard for your granddaughter. Chris did not have children, but was very close to his sister’s children, who are very young, and I’m not sure how much they understand, although they can be very direct, which I find refreshing, but also in how they just get on with life - they are my future !
Thank you for your reply and advice. I would like to only focus on the good times we had and my daughters achievements but I still have such strong feelings of sadness and confusion. She was a teacher and was promoted to management. She was dedicated to her job and worked many hours over and above requirements. We are so proud of what she achieved and the children and families she helped and reached in her short life. School have created a special area of reflection in their garden so she will always be remembered. The memorial service was beautiful (very emotional) and although a comfort, I felt very sad. She should have been working as normal there. I can’t imagine how I will ever forget the injustice of it all.
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Yes they are still there , I believe that with all my heart and talking about them with people who have been through the same is a great help . Life means life and death and life again,not just life on this earth. Earthly life is constantly changing , our kids grow up and move away , nothing ever stays the same for very long, and we all have to adjust to that and do , even though it’s not always easy, Death is an extreme form of that, but remembering that death is just one more stage rather than the end brings a sense of perspective to my life at least . I don’t want to take it to seriously , I want to use Life and get the most out of it that I can in the time available .
Hi bir
You won’t forget the injustice but as the time wears on so I’ve been told it becomes easier, I really do hope so. I have just joined a zumba class just to try and concentrate on something positive rather than like Anneka said concentrating on the what if’s and the why’s, I have done that and it’s a slippery slope to an absolute mountain of grief. Everytime I think I am going there I think what would Sam want me to do and the answer comes be positive. He was so positive and brave and I have an amazing lead to follow. Try concentrating on all the positive things your daughter created and see if there is any way you could follow her lead. Perhaps the school would love to have you help out maybe? just a thought.
all my love Helen
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Thank you for your words of advice. I don’t know how we have got through the past 17 months. It’s been an emotional roller-coaster. We have tried to concentrate on our 5 year old Granddaughter and focus on giving her the life my daughter wanted for her. I cannot describe the anguish of when she had to be told and how I felt for her. She misses Mummy and we talk about her and hope it will help her future. I can only imagine the grief my daughter felt at having to leave her. She didn’t speak much about this as she was always hoping new treatments would be found. They had moved back to our area a few months after she found out it was terminal and she told us in a “round about way” that she wanted us to help look after her. The end came so quickly, in just 2 days which we are grateful for as she had been through enough. There have been so many occasions, not just birthdays, Christmas, etc. when we have missed her so much. When my Granddaughter lost her first tooth, rode a two wheeler bike, got her first school report, (Jo was teacher) and many other school related things. There was also the birth of her first nephew. My son’s wife gave birth 2 months after she passed away so she didn’t get to meet him and he didn’t get to show him off to her. They were close. I do find it difficult to just focus on the good things before she was diagnosed. Jo shielded us although I had my own thoughts all the way through. We are proud and grateful for many things she was able to have in her life.
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Hi bir
Like Jo, the end came for Sam very quickly, he had originally been diagnosed in 2012 and operated on in Jan 2013, and I just kept hoping the brain tumour wouldn’t start up again/return. But it did in August 2016. He kept going even to the point of walking with me round Asda at the end of October going out with his mates in Nov, and then we had a weekend away in Cornwall in December 3rd and 4th, we returned home on the Sunday night and on Monday night had Christmas dinner with all the family, he was brilliant all the way through, but on the Thursday morning woke up thirsty and couldn’t keep anything down and slipped gradually into a coma, and died on the Friday lunchtime. He had been like Jo through enough already with an 18 hour operation to remove as much of the tumour as they could which left him paralysed for a while down his left side but he pushed himself to walk and use his hands and arms again, he also did several carpentry and woodworking courses, his certificates arrived only a few days before he died. Like you my other son is expecting but Sam won’t see them, (it’s twin girls). I’ve yet to face the birthday’s anniversaries etc, and I know that will crucify me. Sam I know is all around me and like him I keep driving on. I have a good network of friends around who I go out with and I’ve joined zumba just to release some energy and focus on something else. My sister in law last her son 18 months ago in a freak accident he was 30 so I suppose I am lucky (if that’s the right expression) I can talk to her but I try not to too much as I don’t want to make it worse for her either. It does help I know to keep writing on this forum and listening to others to, Paulsm is like you about 17 or 18 months down the line. I do try to be as positive as I can as I know how Sam was such a very determined positive character so I have to try and be the same.
Love Helen
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I’m looking forward to going and finding a bit of inner peace . Death is a less taboo part of life in India than in the UK I think , which makes it easier to come to terms with and to rationalise . I’ve just started using my old mobile phone as my new one is playing up and there were some texts between me and Nick on it , which we exchanged just before he died. In one I’m telling him not to drink too much when he went out with his mates and his reply , reassuring me he wouldn’t , followed by images of 6 beer glasses . In another he texted me a list of 'treats ’ he wanted me to get him from tesco including some chocolate chip cookies . Funny and sad all in one . I remember taking him to buy a razor a few days before he died and wondering at the time how he’d look in a few years time with a beard like his brother . It’s a time of change for me at the moment . James is at home to save money while he studies at kcl but I can sense that he wants to move on and be independent . He’ll be 22 this year and I can remember feeling the same at his age . We get on so well but he’ll be going soon , maybe not this year but in the not distant future to make his own life just as I did 30 years ago . Nick would have followed suit a few years after that and the years of looking after them and doing things together would necessarily be replaced with another phase . I hope I can harness the feeling of restlessness which I’ve had since Nicky died and channel into some thing useful and constructive . It’s helpful to write things down sometimes and to know there are others out there trying to make sense of it all .
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It is funny and sad all at the same time Paul, I know it’s only short while for me, but the fear that the tumour would return was always there, he put up with me ringing him every day…was never nasty or ‘oh god it’s her again’. I too have texts which I’m keeping silly things like are you coming round for your lunch. I think I made a lot of memories because deep down I knew it would rear its ugly head again, I just thought it would grow in the same place so another operation would be needed. Sometimes its just the hopelessness of it all the fact that he’s gone and you can do nothing about it. I really do hope you find some inner peace in India. With love Helen
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That’s a very kind and thoughtful message and I really appreciate it . It seems to be typical of the people on here, devastated and sad beyond words but no self pity and determined to look for the positive even when near impossible to find any , and to somehow , go on . My thoughts are with you too and with all of the other people who are on here . Paul
Hi Helen, it seems we have similar feelings. Jo had a birthmark removed and it was found to be melanoma . She had to have a further op to remove lymph nodes which had been affected. 16 months later, a scan revealed it had spread to her brain. I, like you, had the dreadful feeling about it returning and I couldn’t speak for 24 hours. She found out she could have gamma ray which can cure this which she went through. She then couldn’t drive again and had to sell her car. Another tumour was discovered 9months later. They wouldn’t do gamma ray again and she had chemo. The hope was it was a long term tablet treatment and maybe new treatments were coming. She took this for a further year until it began growing again and she was offered radio therapy. This upset her as they did speak about removing the tumour. Apart from feeling a bit tired, she took her daughter to school that week. She went to an appointment for a mask created ready for the treatment and on the same afternoon began suffering a severe headache and went to A&E. She slipped into a coma and passed away 3 days later. The pain of cradling my daughter as she took her last breath is excruciating. She was so brave and courageous. A good friend of ours lost her son in an accident about 20 years ago and she has helped me although she gets upset when we talk about him (she only did this once before this happened). She gave me some literature from people who had lost children and one person thinks of it as their life was completed rather than cut short and I have tried to think of this. People’s post on her are so sincere they help.
Hi Bir
Like you it was excrutiating for me with Sam, he had the tumour removed or at least 90% of it in Jan '13 and then we were told he was paralysed down the left side. They said the feeling might return, it did to a degree we walked in to see him and found that he had walked out of the ward and over to the cafe in the hospital, I ran and called out to him but he didn’t stop walking eventually caught up with him and he said I have to keep walking mum because if I stop I may not get started again. His left hand never quite came back how it should but he never let that stop him, he went back to snowboarding, and driving (they would only allow him to have a licence for a year at a time) and took several carpentry courses. His certificates came shortly before he died. He had radiotherapy, with a mask like Jo for 7 weeks every day. and chemo tablets for a year. We were all hopeful as he was also on the brain tumour study so was scanned every 3 months. I always lived in fear it was never out of my mind that it would return, he carried on with his life and did so many things. In Aug '16 they said that it had returned but it was now in a place that was inoperable. So he started chemo again, but to no avail, he was here with me from the first course of treatment but could have no more he died here at home with me in December '16. He had a good day on the Wednesday eat really well, but woke up Thursday thirsty but could keep nothing down and slipped into a coma and died on the Friday. There are 10,000 people this year alone that will be diagnosed with a brain tumour over half of which will die and their families will go through the hell we are in now. Sam raised over £3k for Cancer Research, at his funeral. He also raised money for Macmillan and walked up Mount Snowdon for Cancer Research still partially paralysed. There was a train to come back down but apparently you had to purchase a ticket at the bottom in order to get on the train to come back down, hey wouldn’t let him get on the train, so in typical Sam fashion he said sod it and walked all the way down again. I miss him so much because he was such a character and had a zest for life and I like you feel so cheated that’s he’s not here anymore. When I get low I try to think what would Sam do and the answer comes, he certainly would not have given up. I am not sure I can think of Sam’s life as complete rather than cut short. Reading your post it seems Jo like Sam had an extra 3 years, I like to think of it that way as it does help me. All we can do is go on yet putting one foot in front of the other is harder than I could ever have imagined.
with love Helen
It’s Chris’ birthday today, his 37th.
I found myself buying a card and small wood carving which I thought he would like.
My head is all over the place, but I can hear Chris chuckling, silly old Mum !
More deliberately I have bought a tree, and I am going to mix some of his ashes with the soil. I needed something tangible near me. I’m planning to scatter the rest of his ashes in the places he loved.
Chris also had cancer in his brain, it spread from the primary , one of the consequences was that he had hallucinations. One morning, shortly before he died, he said ‘Bobby’s just come in’. Bobby was a beloved dog we had when Chris was a child. It is a great comfort to me to think they are together.
Also, on the day he died, one of the district nurses came in and said her sister had died on the same date but 2 years earlier. She immediately said ‘Sue will look after him.’ It is such a comfort to think he is safe, and happy.
Do you think our youngsters know each other, and know we are communicating here on earth ?
I truly hope you find inner peace, Paul, I so much hope we all do.
Oh Anneka
I found myself crying when I just read what you had written, and my heart goes out to you, I have yet to encounter an anniversary the nearest I will come to that is, it is my partners 60th birthday and my stepson has arranged a surprise meal. Sam was always at these kind of do’s so it will be a first for me. I do believe, Anneka that at the door of heaven no one enters it alone their family that have passed before them are waiting to take them on. Bobby will be there as will other members of the family that have gone before, just like “little nan” which is my grandmother who Sam was very close to.
love Helen
Anneka
I just saw your comment about our youngsters I am sure they know each other Heaven is a beautiful place. Sam and Chris will know each other and be looking down and saying…those two, what can we do!!
Helen
You don’t really think death will break the bond between you and Chris do you …It just hurts so much that we can’t see and touch and hear them like we used to . But they’re there , I know it , I can feel it and I’ve had proof , things that no one could guess or know except me and Nick . I’m not just being a sad old desperate git . We’ve just got to keep on going , somehow, and extract every last ounce of juice from life . That’s what they would want us to do, and it’s what they would do , and did . I very much appreciate your kind words especially on this very important day for you and your son . Paul
Thank you both for your lovely responses. It means so much to me to be able to come on this site and write things which I perhaps would not say to anyone else,and then to receive such insightful responses. We don’t know each other, but have such a strong common bond in what we have been through.
I never want the bond between Chris and me to be broken, I refuse to have anything to do with ‘fond farewells’ or ‘saying our last goodbyes’ which people think I should be doing. I feel Chris around me. I’m sure the things you said, Paul about having proof, is an indication of the strenghth of your special relationship with Nick.
I love what you said, Helen about our boys being cheeky…from heaven !
Yes it is good to be able to say things that you can’t say to others. It’s either to difficult to speak as well as you’re never sure of the response of others. I feel I can’t answer “how are you?” in the true way I feel. The person may never ask again if it were to be an extreme reaction from myself. What I feel is “unbearable” at times. I just want to see Jo again, hold her, talk to her, tell her how much she means to me, how proud I am of her. I have found myself screaming “where is she?” I hope she is having a ball with other family members who went before her. I would like to know more from Paul about his experience with a spiritualist.
Hi Bir
If I meet anyone like I did the other day in Asda when they look at me and start to form the words how are…I quickly cut them off and say please don’t ask you will set me off crying. That way they change the subject. I too saw a spiritualist and I never even opened my mouth and she looked straight at me and said when you run the race he will be running right alongside of you and he is very proud of you. That morning before I went to see her I had thought but not spoken to anyone that I would do the race for life it’s only 5k and is held here on the Downs every year. She also mentioned about a black box I have never opened in my bottom drawer. In December 2012 before his operation in Jan 2013 Sam wanted everyone to have a Christmas present, apart from to take off the Christmas wrapping paper, I have kept it safe and never opened it. I have placed it in the bottom drawer of my bedside cabinet. I will go and see her again. Like you I keep getting upset, but just like yesterday morning when I was crying, I looked down and saw a feather on my dressing gown sleeve…so I know he is all around me.
Love Helen