I went to a few in the first few months after Nick died . In some cases , he didn’t come through , but with others , he definitely did . I have no doubt . Yes , I do want to believe in an ‘afterlife’ but I’m not stupid or gullible. I’ve always believed that earthly life is just a stage the spirit goes through and that there is a life or lives after this one . I don’t go so often now ; I principally wanted to know he was ok in the aftermath of what happened and of course, to reconnect with him for my own personal benefit . Having done that and having been so reassured , I haven’t been for a while now. I know he’s ok and finding his feet in a new place ; I don’t want to constantly bother him up and / or turn into a sad old git who lives from one message to the next ; that’s not what either of us wants . He wants, and I want , to get on with my life and make the best of the time left to me . Ive got James to think about and to be there for ; he needs me to be firing on all cylinders, or most of them 
even though he’s 21 and an independent intelligent and thoughtful lad ; he needs me to be strong , and he’s my son too . It’s not always easy to do that but I’m trying my best . I will go again when I feel the need ; not because my belief needs to reignited ; it doesn’t , but to touch base / catch up, call it what you will. Like if he’d moved away . Make an sense ?
Hi Paul
Makes perfect sense, I too like you have another son, he’s 36 and I worry about him, he is so busy with his work and looking after his son and doing the house up they live in I don’t think he has grieved properly yet. Although he was the one Sam turned to and for a long time it was him Sam talked to and confided in, maybe he feels a sense of relief I don’t know he doesn’t talk about it at all. I have a very good partner and very close friends who are helping me, even though for 4 years I lived in fear that the tumour would grow again I suppose like my eldest the worst that I feared could happen did. Sam stayed at home with me all the way through and died here with his family around him. I had read about the drug Nivolumab which is a game changer and asked if Sam could have it…he couldn’t as NICE our regulatory body and the drug company who make it could not and still cannot agree a price, which I find disgusting that these drug companies are only interested in profit. To that end I have started a petition online to try and get the Government to help. It will I hope help and also help me to focus.
Helen
My son was wonderful he was a homebody he worked hard but still lived at home with me I miss him every day x
I know that feeling, tonight I rushed home as it was getting dark to light the candles that are near his urn holding his ashes. Today I went for a long walk with my friend and her dog today for over an hour it was lovely. Tomorrow I shall go to a zumba class no-one knows me there and for 45 minutes I concentrate on watching the instructor so that I get it right. Somebody who had also lost their son said it is really really baby steps and any step is so important hard but important. with love Helen x
Yes it makes sense. They are the same reasons why I would like to do it. Was it individual sessions or a spiritualist church?
Hello Charliedan,
You must have had some wonderful times with your son, and been very close, as he was still living at home.
My son Chris came back home when he became ill and was with me for 2 1/2 years before he died. I feel very privileged that he did, although I think it must have been very difficult for him as an independent adult to come home to his mum.
Can you tell us any more about your son ?
Its horrible isn’t it my sons death was unexpected I didn’t even consider he was gonna die I’m moving to a smaller property to many memories here I will miss the house though the worst part was sorting through his stuff especially his private things I kept saying sorry to him
Thank you. Did you see a spiritualist at a church or privately.
Hi Bir
It was an individual spiritualist although she does belong to a church, I saw her privately but she would take no money just asked me t o bring her a cream cake. She said I don’t do this for money to me that wouldn’t be right. she was lovely we had a cup of tea and our cake after. She shocked me by saying about the race as that was something that I had thought about that morning when I woke up I hadn’t even told John my partner after seeing her I came home went on the race for life site and signed up now I’m trying to get fit, which is why I joined a zumba class. Apparently I can run and walk it so it should be OK.
with love Helen
Bir
I was also told that no-one enters the door to heaven alone there are other members of the family that have passed before waiting for them.
xHelen
Hello Paulsm,
Just to let you know there is a group run by Dinah Perkins in Oxfordshire called The compassionate Friends. It’s specifically for those parents who have lost a child no matter what the age.
Dinah lost her 12 year old son and with her husband Barry formed this support group.
Google- Dinah Perkins bereaved Long Wittenham mum.
You will see all the details there and find ways of getting in touch. Dinah and Barry are lovely people and I highly recommend you speak to them even if you are too far away to visit, they can still help you find a way though this.
Please let me know if you will do this.
My very best wishes Vivicuz
Thank you ; I appreciate the message . I’m too far away , I live in north essex . There is a branch of the same organisation near me ; I went a couple of times after Nick died but it wasn’t for me. I have found talking to people in the same situation on this site has helped . I wouldn’t wish what’s happened on anyone ( of course )but it does help to know you’re not alone .
It’s a weird thing ; 18 months on . I talk to him every day . If I’m driving I look left and imagine him there , big , gangly teenage legs crossed , sitting in the front seat. Or at home , when James isn’t in , I’ll shout ’ goodnight Nick , I love you ’ like I used to do , half hoping , half expecting to hear him reply . I don’t talk about to James or Sarah ( my ex) because they don’t want to. I know they are both grieving and I must respect their right to do so in their own way. Ive got used to him not being around and he’s becoming a part of my past life , which ended in August 2015. I don’t cry as much but I’m still very emotional . I know he’s there and that one day I’ll be with him again . I know I’ve got to get through the next 25 odd years of life here as best I can for James’s sake and because Nick would want me to , and because the time will pass more quickly if I do things with it rather than wait around . Life is very strange .
Hi Paul,
Today I did the ironing and got myself in a bit of a stew, looked out of the window and said to Sam, (because like you I talk to Sam every day) if you are really here do the impossible prove it. I put the ironing board away in the back bedroom where I had got it from and saw Sam’s cancer research bracelet that I had worn previously and thought that it had come off my wrist when I went out to lunch in Chipping Sodbury with a friend only a few weeks after Sam had died. I came back to the house at the time upset that having worn it I had lost it and phoned the cafe where we had had lunch and the arboretum where we had walked. No trace was found. Yet having asked him to prove it he did, because that bracelet was not there before, it is also the room where I keep my grandson’s toys so I am in there every Wednesday when I have him for the morning. I now know in absolute certainty that Sam is still here with me in the house.
With love Helen
Yes, is nt life strange, one day it can be chugging along quite nicely, then the next deliver an earthquake which knocks it off its axis. As you say, life changes anyway, and things move on, but sometimes things happen in such magnitude that things can never be the same again.
I’m finding I’m sort of getting used to living in this alternative universe - a land of intense extremes is becoming normality. It is a strong motivation for change, but at the moment I don’t know how.
I know what you mean by your boy 's gangly legs ! I once spotted Chris sitting at the top of a gorge he had just climbed. I sent him a text asking if it was him. He replied that it was indeed him and how did I know he was there ? I said I recognised the angulation of his leg - of course !
I liked your story about Chris . He and you very obviously had a very close connection , I can tell by the words you use to describe the text exchange . I had the same closeness with Nick . I feel the same as you , restless , wanting change but also like you , I don’t know ( yet) what I want to exchange my present lifestyle for . I don’t want to make a rash decision , change for it’s own sake , and then regret it . Equally I don’t want to be over cautious and do nothing and then regret that . I’m experimenting a bit at the moment , making myself go to different places , do different things , trying not to do things I’ve done before , partly to experience the thrill of doing new things but also I suppose to see if any of the places I go to might give me the inner peace I’m looking for and alleviate the restlessness I constantly feel .
That’s a lovely message . When I’m driving in particular I talk to Nick a lot , pretty much as I always used to do when we were in the car together . I can picture him sitting in the front seat , long legs crossed , hunched like teenagers tend to sit , sniffing loudly , chatting about college , sometimes laughing loudly ,also like teenagers tend to do, a mans deep voice but still in the body of a teenager, slight incongruous , but sweet and funny . It makes me sad but also helps me to go on. Talking to him stops him from becoming trapped in time , forever 17,which is something that depresses me , like when you look at sepia photos of young men who went off to war and never came back , smiling at the camera,so full of life and energy , completely unaware of what would shortly befall them. I feel Nick around me and believe in an afterlife but so far haven’t had any specific encounters with him at home or elsewhere, apart from when he came through, when I saw a couple of Mediums soon after he died . I have a feeling that after reassuring me that he was ok and providing evidence that he was around , which he did, he went back to his new life and didn’t want to bother me too much. Typical !
Hi Paul
Just reread your last message, like you I feel Sam all around in this house. I don’t know if it is because he died here, but I do know with absolute certainty he is here. The last few days he has been on my mind constantly not one moment has gone by when I have not thought about him. Today John my partner took me to Sunday lunch, and on the way back in the car I fell asleep. I dreamt that he was telling me off for not getting on with my life, and that he would see me in 20 years, this is something that he has said to me before in a dream . I have another son who is older he’s 36, he was talking to Stan his son who is nearly 3 that he will be a big brother when the twins are born, and said to Stan I’m a big brother too then burst into tears, and said to Hannah his wife, I’m not now though…so he is struggling, and my heart is torn in two. Staying here and helping my other son and my grandson, or giving up on life completely.
James said to me a few weeks back that he thinks about Nick every day. I very occasionally mention Nick in conversation to James because I know he finds it hard to talk about Nick, and his comment was unexpected and very moving. If it wasn’t for James , I’m not sure I’d bother hanging around, but that remark,out of the blue, gives me a reason for staying. Knowing James as I do , I believe that, as with me, Nick will always be with him . I 'm sure your big son knows that Sam will always be with him and that Sam is still his brother. I hope I’m not sounding trite. I do emphatically believe in an afterlife but I just wish I could have had him longer in this life. But we have to keep going, somehow .
Paul,
thank you for your insight i’ve been struggling this last few days, some days are worse than others, but what you say about hanging around for James, is how I’ve been thinking about Geraint (Sam’s older borther). I am grateful you replied it is so good to know that I’m not thinking these thing on my own.
Helen