I recently lost my dad

I lost my dad 6 weeks ago and feel so sad and broken . He went into hospital end of Jan ‘23 and with a bleed on the brain but was monitored and should have been going home. Instead he caught Covid in the hospital and it all destroyed him. Eventually he went home to mum and with help of carers in May they looked after him 24 hours . He continued to deteriorate over the months and eventually was bed ridden for the last 2 months of his life. He wanted to get out that hospital bed , he so wanted to go down the town for his reg coffee. & cake . Visit his brother only we had to make excuses to say we didn’t have the car or wheelchair . He died 6 weeks ago and the last 2 months was full of hallucinations, wanting to do things he couldn’t , He used to be such an active man . The last visions of my dad is the last few weeks as he worsened and as he passed away
I cant get those images out of my head and I just feel so sad.
I cry everyday wishing I had perhaps done more and wish he was still here with mum and myself .

7 Likes

Sorry to hear this. Something I try and hold on to with my Dad and uncle is that the last part of his life was only a small part of his overall life. Yes it was shit, but the majority was good. The images will ease I promise. I’m going to have to remind myself of what I’ve just told you when my husband dies. I’m already losing bits of him day by day :cry:

1 Like

Hi Nori
Thanks for reply
I’m just really struggling with it all . I lost my sister 20 years but this is all so very different I can’t explain why.
I’ve been travelling back and forth to Oxford to mum & dads whilst he was poorly and my life has been so up and down since January.
We thought he was going home after the bleed then he got the Covid in hospital . I just Also feel so very angry that the hospital still allowed visitors when they knew it was on the ward. Maybe dad would still be here and not suffered all these past months. Lost his ability to walk, feed himself , dress himself, his dignity taken away. His swallowing and lungs affected I’m also very bitter .

Sadly there’s literally no escaping covid. If it wasn’t visitors it would have been staff. When my husband last went into the acute hospital he got covid. It was just a given.
When things like this happen, we look to blame and ease our own feelings or guilt (even though we have no reason to feel guilty) . It’s sadly all part of the grieving process. Xx

2 Likes

I am sorry for your experience. My mum had some pretty bad hallucinations in her last couple of weeks which is not something I knew would happen. I look back and now wish that I knew before what would be expected at end of life. Even though, it would stay with you regardless you can feel so unprepared for what you witness?

1 Like

Hi purple trees
Sadly we knew he may have hallucinations and no matter how much we prepare ourselves it’s so very sad to witness. Dads eyes would be just looking at the ceiling and he would be following with his arms trying to point. Sometimes he could see people , sometimes a door , it wasn’t always nice and it made him extremely anxious .
It was so different to the person I knew as my dad. Someone who was always there for others, kind, funny, always telling jokes or a story. People just loved him and this makes it all so much harder to accept this is how his life ended.
I’m not sure il ever get those last memories of him out of my head .

2 Likes

Same, will be there forever. Unfortunately my mum was reliving past traumatic experiences so I had to spend time trying to reassure her it wasn’t that time anymore. I was a baby at this time and she accused me of withholding myself (baby) from her (among other things) at one point then began refusing any cooperation until we brought me to her. Which was one of the last conversations I had with her. The best I have tried is separate in my head, mum before and this as it was illness and medication and not her. Even so, they were moments of her life I was not supposed to witness and I know she would hate that I saw that.

1 Like

Hi Milliemoo57

Everything you wrote resonates with me, it’s so difficult and I list my father in March 23 he was unwell with heart problems and COPD mixed dementia, however 3 weeks before he died found out he had lung cancer. I lived with him and his carer. I feel angry, tearful and my dad was at home with me and his dearth was very traumatic and suffering PTSD as a result. My brothers are married have children and seem to move on but I feel stuck overwhelmed by the pain and sense of loss at times.

Two years previously Jan 21 I lost my mum, who had Alzheimer’s and a week before she died diagnosed with multiple myeloma and during covid so I was not allowed to visit. However I was allowed to come and stay with her at the end, which I am thankful for, so I was with her from the Tuesday and she passed away on the Saturday she never opened her eyes.

I miss my parents beyond words and it’s compounded by being their carers for over 13 years and I was working full time as well. Now both have gone and I feel lost and it’s feel like my foundations have gone.

In 2019 my brother died from cardiac arrest he was 54 he was resuscitated however never regained consciousness.

So much loss and it does that matter the length of time between them it still hits you hard and I feel at times like I am empty and the pain is so strong it’s overwhelming. However I realised it’s because I loved them so much which is why it’s hurts, bittersweet. People who have not experience this type of loss cannot always understand how debilitating it can be I was off work since feb and just started back on phased return I don’t feel ready but we have to live even if we don’t feel like it. X

2 Likes

@Milliemoo57 everything you have written I can relate to. My dad passed in March and the last couple of weeks were absolutely awful. The hallucinations, the throwing back his duvet wanting to get up, telling us he WAS able to go himself to the toilet. It was horrendous. Apparently they call it terminal agitation. I have it etched on my brain. He would see insects on his bed and flap
His arms about to get rid of flies. My dad was a ballroom dancer all his life and was active until about 6 weeks before he died. He had kidney cancer and he tried so hard to keep normal until it was impossible. Myself and my 2 brothers looked after him 24/7 - I live in London and moved to Glasgow when I knew it was coming . And I am so glad that I did. I had been flying up every 2 weeks for the last 2 years and each time I left I could see the sadness in his eyes but it was important for me to make out to him that I wasn’t worried when each time I cried and cried at the airport going back. I wish that I could forget these awful moments, sitting by his bedside, these were a small part of a magnificent life but I can’t atm.its all I can think of. Gosh it hurts and is so difficult. Some days I just don’t know how to cope with it all. Thing is he would not want me to be like this, he would be so mad at me for feeling like this. So I try and try for him. Everything is for him.

2 Likes

Hi Millie moo

Sorry I must of missed your post, I have guilt but I know I could not of done anything in the end if was awful he had a haemorrhage and I found him and that image haunts me and I feel sorry for how frightened he must of been. I was at home with him and called the services.

After

I returned to work beginning November also had shingles so I think it was a build up of everything. Work has been hard u have no energy and hard to adjust.

I just had surgery and came out Xmas eve so have not celebrated Xmas as too unwell and heart not in it. First Xmas without either patent and it hurts so much.
I am glad you spent so much time with your dad as it’s the only thing we can never ask for more of once it’s passed.
I have my two other brothers and they have been looking after me since coming out of hospital but really miss my parents.

My dad was the same and wanted me to live and used to say to me what about your life. I know it will get easier but some days I feel totally overwhelmed by my grief xx

1 Like

Post was for you Ellie j and Millie moo

1 Like

Sorry to hear you have been poorly yourself. That makes thing worse as you can’t really keep busy can you? Well for me Xmas and new year was a total wipe out. Hardly ate and hardly drank anything. Hated every minute but put on ‘that’ face as usual.
I am so glad it’s over now. Now the birthday month of February - my dad and brother 14/2 and me 16/2. Another first. I didn’t want new year to come as it makes it a year my wee dad won’t see and makes the distance greater from when I last spoke to him. And I have to say now my dad died last year. My mums anniversary was yesterday 3/1 - was 28 years - that was more difficult than ever - I miss her soo much but now I have both of them to miss - breaks my heart. Get well soon and here for a chat anytime x

Hi EllieJ

Christmas Day I was on my own as felt too unwell even though had offers but on painkillers so was sleeping a lot. New year my friend was in her own she came to mine and we just watched films so that was okay.

Your right being unwell and in pain makes things harder and you miss your parents more ( if that’s possible).

My late mums death will be in the 31/1 and it will be three years, my father died 13 th March 23 so this will be first year without him and my brother passed away 5 years on the 22nd May. Feels like too much loss and hard to cope with.

I do understand how it feels at times it’s like a hole inside me and I cry and it feels like it’s grief from deep inside. It’s hard to try and act normal so many expectations on you.

You stated trying to act normal and it feels like you have to put mask on for work etc and when people are moaning about stupid and pointless things I want to tell them to shut or worse, but I would lose my job. My friends state my parents would want me to be happy and I am trying just difficult x

1 Like

How strange I lost my dad 12 March 2023. We could have grieved together :broken_heart::broken_heart:

@Ruby123 you have had a lot to take on in such a short time. You poor thing. I’m so sorry x