I revisited hospital where my Grandad died

Coping with bereavement
#1

Hello everyone,

I sadly lost my Grandad in May, it pains me to write that and it just does not seem real. I always dread the day my Grandad would pass and one day I would have to witness it :pensive:

We had the most amazing relationship, from being a young girl, I’d spend time at my Nan and Grandads and i’d ask him about his life stories, ask silly questions that would make him laugh and he’d teach me lots of things.

As i got older Grandad became my best friend. After Nan sadly passed away when I was 10, Grandad became the rock of my family. I admire his strength to carry on for 17 more years.

Last year was my wedding to my Husband whom I met when I was 14, so he luckily got to know my Grandad very well. I’ll never forget seeing my grandad for thr first time that day and the hug he gave me and the words he said.

I find days where I am painfully crying for my Grandad , asking where he is and wandering how I am going to live the rest of my life without him. The thought of not seeing him or speaking to him again is soo hard to cope with sometimes and i get a sudden rage of panic when i stop in my thoughts and think, my grandads not here.

For a while now ive been thinking back to when he was in The hospital dieing and ive been in the area seeing friends, and ive thought to myself I want to go to the hospital and sit in the chapel room where we waited to take in turns and see grandad, just go to sit there and cry or walk round to the garden and see the window from his room for the outside…but ive stopped myself and drove home. But a couple of days ago i did go there and i got in such a mess, i dont know what i was going to achieve out of it! I kept saying on the way home you’re not here grandad you’re not here.
I have terrible memories of being at the hospital but i dont know why i felt i needed to go back, i dont know if it was to get a sense of “normality “ and it might have felt he was there or to make it sink in that he is gone i just dont know.

But now im left thinking why did i do that, is
Something wrong with me :pensive:

I just want my grandad soo bad xx

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#2

Give yourself time, things my grandmother said to me are still in my heart she passed on to be with my grandfather over sixty plus years ago.
You are right he is not at a place he is where ever you are, still loving you.
sometimes her words float into my mind unexpectedly, these are a comfort.
Give yourself time, let your husband comfort you, he will be grieving too in his way. I wish I could just hug you. Q

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#3

Hi Alice, thank you so much for your kind words. One of my fears is forgetting my grandad and his love but i know that it is impossible to but i just panic about it, i dont want to forget certain conversations with him etc.

Hearing that you still think of your Grandmothers words after that time gives me comfort.

Thank you

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#4

Dear Shazza1,
I do not find it strange that you went back to the hospital even if right now you may wonder what good it did. It was the last place you saw your granddad . Sometimes it is hard to get the bad memories out of our mind, because they are the last ones we have, but I found that if I made a conscious effort to not keep dwelling on those memories but t o deliberately think back of earlier and happier memories, it worked. We will always miss them and it is normal to feel sad about that but I think it helps to think about their life, rather than about their death.
I don’t think you will ever forget your granddad. The bond you had with him was too strong and as others have written, your love for him will be forever in your heart. My granddad was a lovely man too. He died about 30 years ago, about 15 years after my granddad. Both reached a good old age,were hardly ever ill, and died of heart attacks. As a child I grew up in a city, they lived in the countryside. My dad did not drive so we could not see them that often, but holidays were spent with them and I have very fond memories of those times. Do you have many pictures of your granddad? I don’t because this was in the days before digital cameras and smartphones, but when I look at the ones I do have, it brings a smile to my face. I also have some newspaper clipping about him which I treasure. If you worry about forgetting the things he said, or the words of wisdom, why don’t you put a little album together with photos, things you know about his life story and things he told you?
Take care of yourself.
Jo

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#5

I lost my sister in may to pancreatic cancer age 51 Tracey died at st Giles hospice in Whittington Lichfield, I often go there and sit in the garden I feel close to her when I am there, tracey was in there for seven weeks. Tracey was due to come home to mums by because of all this COVID situation it messed everything up we could not see her for 3 weeks due to lockdown. And I struggle with all that lost time we could not be with her. Tracey just went for a blood transfusion at st Giles it was going to be safer than going in to hospital due to the COVID situation. Don’t get me wrong the Hospice was amazing but it was not supposed to be like this Tracey was suppose to be with all of her family all loved her so much and just wanted to care for her. I do do feel for everyone who have lost loved ones in these difficult times . when time is all there is and it gets robbed from you it is all heartbreaking. Just blessed all of her family got there in time before Tracey passed away on May 29.

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#6

Hi Jo,

Thank you :slight_smile:

I feel like it comes in waves thinking about the bad memories and it’s such a horrible place to be. I will definitely try to keep the good memories incoming and try to focus on these.

I do have lots of photos and some videos of my grandad which i am grateful to have. I have a shirt still of his too and it still smells of him :orange_heart: i think that’s a great idea and i think i might write down conversations that stick out to me.

Soo lovely to hear you had a great relationship with your Grandas too and that he lives on in your memories x

#7

Hi Tracey20

I am soo sorry to hear about your sister and i can completely relate with you how much more difficult Covid has made this, my Grandad was in hospital from 15th May and letting him go alone was heartbreaking. Gratefully we all was there when passed too and im glad you were able to be to with your sister.

Reading that you find comfort in visiting the hospital too makes me see i was not wrong for going back. I just can’t explain the feeling. You know there not there anymore but like you said its the last place your sister was and it makes you feel close to her, i feel it made me feel the same. X