I sadly lost my Grandad in May, it pains me to write that and it just does not seem real. I always dread the day my Grandad would pass and one day I would have to witness it
We had the most amazing relationship, from being a young girl, I’d spend time at my Nan and Grandads and i’d ask him about his life stories, ask silly questions that would make him laugh and he’d teach me lots of things.
As i got older Grandad became my best friend. After Nan sadly passed away when I was 10, Grandad became the rock of my family. I admire his strength to carry on for 17 more years.
Last year was my wedding to my Husband whom I met when I was 14, so he luckily got to know my Grandad very well. I’ll never forget seeing my grandad for thr first time that day and the hug he gave me and the words he said.
I find days where I am painfully crying for my Grandad , asking where he is and wandering how I am going to live the rest of my life without him. The thought of not seeing him or speaking to him again is soo hard to cope with sometimes and i get a sudden rage of panic when i stop in my thoughts and think, my grandads not here.
For a while now ive been thinking back to when he was in The hospital dieing and ive been in the area seeing friends, and ive thought to myself I want to go to the hospital and sit in the chapel room where we waited to take in turns and see grandad, just go to sit there and cry or walk round to the garden and see the window from his room for the outside…but ive stopped myself and drove home. But a couple of days ago i did go there and i got in such a mess, i dont know what i was going to achieve out of it! I kept saying on the way home you’re not here grandad you’re not here.
I have terrible memories of being at the hospital but i dont know why i felt i needed to go back, i dont know if it was to get a sense of “normality “ and it might have felt he was there or to make it sink in that he is gone i just dont know.
But now im left thinking why did i do that, is
Something wrong with me
I just want my grandad soo bad xx