I think I finally fully understand Mindfulness

Coping with bereavement
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4 oclock in the morning, and sleep eludes me. I shouldnt be surprised if I went to bed at 6pm should it :crazy_face:
So I thought I’d try and do something which might be helpful, it certainly has for me.
I’ve often recommended on here to use the Mindfulness technique, but now I realise i didnt really understand it fully.
I bought a book recently, called “A dog’s Quest to be a Buddhist”. It’s about two spaniels who found a book in their dad’s bookcase about it, and decide that because their Dad was always content, they decided to try it themselves. Sounds daft, but it’s full of doggy laughs, which make it very enjoyable as well.
They realised that our “Wandering Minds” are very damaging to us, those thoughts which go on in the background which we are not in control of. That’s until we realise that they are there, and they start going round and round and upsetting us. We all know when weve been doing something mundane, and suddenly think “why am I thinking of that, it’s doing me no good, but it’s hurting me!” I often come back from a walk in the woods with my dogs, which should be nice, but then I realise I’ve been thinking of something all the way around, and I can remember nothing about the walk. All our bereavement feelings of guilt, worry, anger etc fit into this. These thoughts drive me up the wall.
So I decided to have a go at stopping this by properly understanding Mindfullness, and using it effectively.
I’ve found a Mindfull/relaxation/meditation therapist and had a free half hour consultation, and she told me some simple truths, such as

To let our mind wander is absolutely normal, we’ve done it all our lives, and we can’t just stop doing it.
If I just let it run rampant, and then take the thoughts onboard, that’s when I get angry, upset, and shout at the dog (I don’t :smiley:)
I need to be aware that when these thoughts start, I gently and kindly let them go, substituting good, happy thoughts. Then I’m being mindfull of what I’m thinking, what’s nice of where I am, and CALM!!
It needs practice, so I’ve signed up for some ongoing therapy (by zoom).
So far so good, and I dont need to wear the buddhist saffron robes!!

Sorry to have gone on, but I hope my musings might help someone.

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Hi Tykey

That’s really helpful, thank you. Will I will look into this, I’ve heard of it before but not really considered it. My mind is my worst enemy sometimes. Hugs to us all.

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Hi @Louise311 . I’m glad its encouraged you. One of the issues I had to resolve is that everything you either read or visit on youtube/google are very good at telling us what mindfulness IS, but rarely tells us how to achieve it.
My zoom therapist filled in the HOW to do it. The first time anyone has told me how I can change. It opened my eyes (and my mind!)
As I said you can get 30 minutes of her coaching free of charge, absolutely no pressure to do more.
Good luck.
Ill be happy to send you the link to her if you wish.

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I discovered the Headspace app a few years ago now - they also have a lot of free video content on youtube that you might want to take a look at. For me their short animations really helped me get my head around meditation and mindfulness. :pray:

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Oh yes please Tykey. That’s really good of you, thanks again.

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Thank you for your helpful post.

I went for a walk on the prom on Sunday. Halfway along, I sat down and looked out at the sea. I had my furry coat hood up, so my peripheral vision was restricted. I could see 2 seagulls fishing in the little lakes that the beach had created. The tide was out, but not very far out. I decided that I would only think about what I could see, hear and smell in that moment.

I think I thought that mindfulness is achieved more easily in nature; do any of us think that that is the case?

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Yes, its part of it, and it helps.

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I think it CAN be achieved more easily in nature, but only if you make a conscious effort to do so. During lockdown i would take myself to the local park every sunday morning and stroll slowly through, smelling the woodland scent, looking at the trees, running my hands through the leaves, then i would find my favourite bench and sit with a flask of good coffee, really savouring the smell, the heat, the bitterness, not just gulping it down. But i lost track of the number of people who seemed to be rushing through the park, head down, or eyes fixated on phone screen. You can be somewhere physically but your mind can be a million miles away! For me that time was an opportunity to bring mind AND body back into alignment in the here and now, and i always returned home feeling so much more grounded to start the week :heart:

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I do the same, @Ally6 . When I go and spend time in my favourite holiday retreat in a Shepherds hut in Anglesey, I do it a lot! I’m having to work on it when I get home, to all the aggravations and stresses life throws at us. Sadly, last week I found my wandering mind worrying about how best to cook sprouts!! Very sad :confounded:

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Not at all, sprout cuisine is a very serious matter! :thinking:

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It’s interesting how things can get on top of us. I need to lose a bit of weight, so I joined slimming world a few months ago. I easily lost 17 lbs, but then it stopped.
My wandering mind kept thinking, and exploring.

Why has it stopped?
I’ll worry about the next weigh in?
How can I change it and do better?
Have I got the right stuff in the fridge?
What shall I buy at Tesco?
Do I care?

All these thoughts going on in the background of my life, and driving me up the wall. I now have no wife to tell me what I need to hear, I have to tell myself!! I’m often not my best friend.
This morning, I decided to pack it in, at least temporarily. It’s amazing how much stress has been relieved! I’ll still lose weight, because I know what is needed.

It’s amazed me how we can change things for the better, easily, if we get our wandering mind under control.
BUT! I’ve bought a bottle of ouzo to celebrate this change (as a reward.)

PS: I realised at an early date that acquaintances tell us what we want to hear. GOOD FRIENDS tell us what we need to hear. I’m my bestest friend :innocent: :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Hello tykey I have been advised by my bereavement counsellor to try Mindfulness.
I have found the following book very good:

" The Essential Book of Mindfulness -Healing through being present " by
Wendy Hobson

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Good luck Dave. I really hope its giving you some relief

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Since I started this thread, I thought I’d give you an update after only a week or two.

The principle of it was to be mindful of our thoughts, particularly those daydreaming thoughts which go on without us realising it, then we suddenly find them in our concious thoughts . Then we have a chance of controlling them so they don’t become this part of our active thoughts.

I’ve been doing this, and quickly realised I was almost entirely daydreaming things which form all those things that bother us in bereavement. That includes all the regrets, guilt, anger, hate etc, . I have never been daydreaming all those things such as love, kindness, happiness. pride.

So I have been beating myself up with the things I don’t want to remember, to the exclusion of what I DO want to remember. I’ve still been doing it after 2 1/2 years!

The therapist tells me we should GENTLY bring these thoughts into our conciousness , and sort them in a way which is kind to ourselves. For me is has been to categorise them as “unfair, insignificant in the grand scheme of things, something I can’t change etc”, and replace them with happy thoughts, such as the day we met, honeymoon, supporting each other through health crises. Best often done, sat in the woods watching the dogs chasing squirrels (Thankyou @Ally6 )

So far, so good, I’ve noticed how much more content I can be. It’s still a work in progress, which I’m continuing. It needs more and more practice until it become a normal process for me.

I hope it helps someone. I’ve just invented a new motto for myself,

If we have a thought, lets make it a good’un!. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Thanks for the update @tykey ! When i first started meditating my runaway thoughts would be around imaginary future scenarios, usually something that was worrying me or that involved conflict. For example when i was made redundant i had SO many imaginary consultation meetings which went terribly! I call them “fake futures” now :blush: They started disappearing almost as soon as i started meditating, but i was also able to notice when i was suddenly living in some imaginary argument /tragedy in my head and i could gently nudge my thoughts elsewhere. :blush:

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That’s exactly my experience, @Ally6 . My life has totally turned around, and continues to improve.

It’s not just a case of wearing mental blinkers and thinking of nothing, is it! We just manage our thoughts, particularly those negative ones, which have now totally disappeared, hopefully never to return. But I still carry around all those zillions of happy memories of my 50 years I spent with Penny.

But this meditation/mindfulness technique, isn’t something which somebody “does” to us, it’s something we change in ourselves, taking effort, practice, and a good deal of self honesty and insight. I’m sure you already know that.

I can’t believe how much my life has improved. I hope yours continues to improve as well

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I had a couple of very hurtful memories come into my head whilst I had my first coffee this morning. At least I thought they were hurtful, because I felt really upset, but within a few seconds I realised what they were and gently sent them away, and have spent the last hour trying to remember what they were.
Practice is improving the mindfulness!

PS the happy thoughts are intact and still coming through🙂

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Ah, thanks for the update :smiling_face:. I understand that naming the feelings can help, too. For example, saying “I feel anxious because I’m worried that…”

Some of the feelings I’ve had since losing my wonderful dad, suddenly and unexpectedly, I’ve never had before. I’ve certainly never had heart palpitations before :pensive:.

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