I think I’m going crazy

Losing a parent
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Hi everyone. I am 23 and lost my mum this summer after her ten year fight with cancer. Her final weeks were spent in hospital, and watching her suffer was agonising. But cancer wasn’t the only hardship she endured. She experienced years of emotional, mental and physical mistreatment in her marriage with my dad (some of it continuing after she was diagnosed as well). So much so that the primary goal of my life was to keep her safe and put a smile on her face. I didn’t even see it as a duty/responsibility because I just felt fulfilled in life knowing she had had a decent day. We were so intertwined that I saw her as myself and myself as her. Despite everything, she was the kindest, purest and most innocent person I know. She forgave those who hurt her, prayed for them and maintained a beautiful connection with God.

She was the love of my life. To the extent that I don’t think I have any love left to spend on anyone else. She was every relationship I could name. Even life in prison would seem like heaven if we had to survive it together - just the two of us, away from everyone. I would have become the dust of her feet if she needed that. She called me her angel and I worshipped her like God. It was the two of us against the world. She was at the centre of every single decision I made.

It’s been three months since she passed away, and I’m struggling in ways I never anticipated. I experience periods of intense grief, but lately, I’ve also been feeling emotionally numb. Sometimes I think about my mum and cannot feel the love or closeness that once felt so natural. It frightens me because I know how much I love her, yet I cannot always feel that love. I’m terrified that I’ll eventually forget what it felt like to be around her and to have her in my life. It’s making me insane.

I’d rather be in pain than numb, because at least the pain feels like a connection to her. Nothing brings me joy anymore, the days feel unbearably long, and I feel disconnected from myself and the world around me. Watching my mum suffer left me feeling helpless, and losing her has shaken my faith in God, too. I prayed and begged so much for her, and yet I was invisible to God.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of emotional numbness or the fear of forgetting what being with their loved one felt like? Is it normal to question your love for the love of your life after their passing? I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who understands.

5 Likes
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Hi @nandini1197,

Thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum earlier this year after a long illness, and the difficulties that you both went through over the years. It sounds like you both shared a really close relationship, and that caring for her was a huge part of your life. Many members here will be able to relate to the feelings you’ve described.

You are not alone. I’m not sure if you’ve had a look through our Losing a parent category. But there you can connect with other members who are living with grief after losing a parent. As you mentioned that you are 23, we also have a Loss as a young adult category here, in case you want to connect with other bereaved young people who are going through similar experiences.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support to you. In the meantime, you might find these Sue Ryder resources helpful to read.

I hope you find the community to be a support to you. Take good care and keep reaching out :blue_heart:

1 Like
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Dear Nandini

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Dear NandiniI am so sorry. I recognise what you say about your closeness with your Mum. And the intense emotional pain which appears in so many ways and has many aspects.
I don’t know if this may help a very little bit but after Mum died 7 months ago I have also questioned myself when I am not feeling the full pain and intensity of feeling. But then within seconds I know that whatever is going on in my mind, the one thing I do know with more certainty than absolutely anything in life, is that the love and closeness between me and Mum is infinite and bigger than anything else in the world for me and always will be even in her death. So I sincerely believe you will never forget what it was like to be around your Mum.
All the best and take care.