I thought I was coping ... but i am not!

I lost my Dad almost three years ago but I am still struggling with grief. I have struggled holding a job down. I struggle with sleeping a lot. He was my best friend, confidante and mentor. I miss him so much. Everything i do and every where I go I find things that remind me of him and I just cry. Just seeing something on telly where a mother or father hugs their child gets me going. I am an only child, have no current partner and no family of my own. My friends have let me down and proved to be just social acquaintances. I just feel like running away … but … where? I am struggling to get any bereavement counselling. I feel lonely, isolated, lost and unloved.
How long can this last?

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Hi Jane I can relate to this. I lost my dad 5 years ago and my mam 25 years ago. I really struggled losing my dad. He was my hero. I still miss him. 6 weeks ago I lost my husband and I have a whole new grief to deal with. There are usually waiting lists for counselling so keep trying. Posting on here has helped me lots. Everyone on here is going through the same. You are not alone. Please be kind to yourself.

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Thank you for your response. I went through the early days wanting to scream at people “Don’t you know my dad has died. How can you carry on with your everyday lives?”. Then you stop and think that people are dying every day and there are loads of people feeling like this every day.
My old boss used to say i was as tough as old boots as I didn’t normally let things bother me. But this has knocked me for six. It must be terrible to lose your husband. I don’t envy you that. xx

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I was the same. I started having panic attacks when I lost my dad. I went through Talking Therapies as I can’t take meds. I did CBT which taught me mindfulness. I still have anxiety but now know what my triggers are and what to do. Your dad is the first man in your life. Your protector. It is awful when something happens and they’re not there. Even if it’s just to say I told you so which I got a lot growing up. I wouldn’t say it gets easier. It gets less if that makes sense. There really is no timescale for grief. We are all different. Hopefully counselling will help. Do you have any other family members you can reach out to? It makes me sad that your friends haven’t supported you. I couldn’t do without mine. It may help to read through some other posts on here. There are a lot of people who give good advice. I knoe it’s a cliche but look after yourself. You are your first priority :blue_heart:

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Hi Jane, There is no time limit to grief. It can hit us hard many years later, as it has you. We may be feeling low, or some ‘trigger’ comes along like the one you describe. It’s not something we can just get over or forget. We need to accept it will happen and go with it. It does pass and we may go for a long time not feeling too bad, but the pain is always in the background. I am sorry but not at all surprised about your friends. At my wife’s funeral everyone promised to keep in touch. Oh Yeah!!! That didn’t happen, but I do have some loyal friends who do still keep in touch and visit. I am fortunate that I live in a community of kind people. ‘I feel lonely, isolated, lost and unloved’. Of course you do, but by coming on this site you may feel a little comfort from the kind folk on here. You are right. You can’t run away. But you can learn to accept how you feel. Acceptance is not by any means easy. But it means giving up the struggle with our emotions. You say you are still ‘struggling’ with grief. Give up the struggle! Struggling takes a lot of energy, and that’s something you may not have a lot of at the moment. This is not ‘giving in’, oh no.
Please come back and talk some more. It does help to know you are among friends who know and understand.
Blue is right. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. You are indeed your first priority. Blessings. John.

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Hi Jane, I feel so sad for you. But we are all sad on here so we understand and feel your pain. I’m an only one and felt my life had just shattered when my Dad died. No one to share the grief reminisce. ,laugh or cry with. Plus all the arrangements and formalities , all to deal with on your own.I don’t know about your Dad, but mine died very suddenly and I had to be responsible for funeral arrangements, etc, not knowing what he would have wanted . It’s a massive responsibility, not wanting to let them down, This was over 20 years ago and I can still clearly remember that terrible lost feeling. , that emptiness and I know what you’re going through. But it does get better, little by little and one day you’ll find yourself unexpectedly smiling at a memory though you can’t imagine it at the moment. As the other lovely people on here have said, look after yourself first and foremost and try and get some counselling. I had my first session yesterday and it really helped. You get put on a waiting list at Sue Ryder but it doesn’t take long. And keep posting! xx

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