I took him for granted

My husband was taken ill on September 15th 2022 with what later turned out to be sepsis which was totally unexpected. He had been completely healthy other than atrial fibrillation and was very fit and active. We have a five acre plot on Skye and he did all the heavy work which that entails. We had spent the three weeks since returning from visiting family down south getting the garden back into shape, mainly pruning. He was always making things and planning the next project - I found plans for a swing seat. Now I realise that I really did take him for granted and had not fully appreciate him so I am racked with guilt. . I should have insisted on him being taken to hospital 100 miles away by air ambulance instead of the awful four hour drive. Does anybody else feel the same? He was a mathematician and did all the finances so I should have helped him and found out how to budget and do excel spreadsheets as now I am struggling with managing our finances. From the day he was taken into hospital to the day he died over a month later in ICU he wasn’t able to speak or to communicate so he couldn’t tell me how he felt or any practical things like passwords. Did anyone else have this awful experience of not understanding what your partner was trying so hard to tell you? He must have been feeling ill beforehand but I I feel guilty that I didn’t realise. He was so stoical and never complained but I found Rennies in all his pockets. I thought we would have at least ten more years together and I’m finding it so hard to live without him. I know I’m lucky to have had 51 years with him - we met on a school cn a school cruise in 1966 and I’ve never lived on my own. I was so totally dependent on him and only now do I realise how everything he dud was for me.


Dear @SkyeGardener

I am so sorry for your loss, grief affects us all differently but guilt is a common one. Not that you have anything to be guilty about, if you had known you would have done things differently as we all would.

51 years speaks volumes of your love for one another.

I was “temporarily separated” from my beloved of nearly 55 years last 27th May and at times it is still so raw.

There are no rules to grieving, how you grieve is the right way for you.

I found bereavement counselling to be of a great help understanding my grief, and that there are stages of grief we go through and they are cyclic (they reoccur but not in any particular order).

Please be aware we are all in the same boat in here mourning the loss of a loved one.

We are here for you as others have been here for us.

Please be assured of my prayers and a gentle hug, john (and marian) :pray:t2::blue_heart:


Thank you very much for your supportive reply. My GP said that they didn’t offer bereavement counselling until six months afterwards.

Sending my love to you at this truly terrible time for you.
The love we have for our partners is why we find it so hard when we lose them. Someone did comment somewhere that the pain we feel is in proportion to the love we had so don’t be too surprised about how much you feel it.

I feel sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. My Richard did LOADS of the work outside here; on his farmland, in the garden and on the house as well as his job as a driving instructor. He also did hoovering and laying the fire.

There are so many times when I think about all the extra a now have to do because of how hard he worked. I did live on my own for ten years before we married so at least I have experience of that to draw on.

You will learn and with the support of the lovely people here you’ll begin to forgive yourself.
Karen xxx


Thank you Karen for taking the time to reply. Have you employed some one to help you on the farm and in the garden? I really want to carry on with the fruit and vegetables gardening but it’s a steep learning curve. I’ve bought seed potatoes which I think need çhitting before planting.


I have someone to cut the lawn as I can’t manage the heavy petrol mower. I tried one time while Richard was still alive hoping to surprise him but I nearly lost the mower over the steep bank due to the camber so never tried again.

My nephew has helped with some chainsaw work on the farm and my younger daughter helped with our daily check on the tack sheep we had grazing over the winter. A local farmer has the land for the summer so will do some of the upkeep as part of that and I hope to pay him for some other jobs which are our responsibility like replacing gate posts and gates. Richard was very up to date with all the fencing and hedge laying so not much to do yet so mainly it’s dealing with fallen branches and trees.

I have a small veg patch which I haven’t even dug over yet. Maybe we need a thread on veg growing as others have allotments and probably know more than me.