Hi, i hope everyone is doing ok this evening. I’ve really been struggling this past wee while. I’ve become a much better actor and function reasonably well…like a slightly rusty emotionless automaton…but things get done. Inside it feel completely lost and broken and none of this makes sense. My faith is wavering at best and I’m not very spiritual. But there has to be more than just dead, the end. I KNOW there’s more than that. I FEEL there is more than that but I had no evidence, no logic no answers. I try to believe in all those little signs but I don’t know.
Thank you @Stillhiswife, I’ve just had a look at that video, it’s a real eye-opener. “Food for thought” for my mind which is still stuck in denial,after two years, but like the video seems to suggest at one point, “time” doesn’t really exist. At least, it doesn’t when we’re grieving a soulmate, does it? I feel I am still “one person” with my husband, no time will ever eliminate that.
Hi @Solost
I’ve been as guilty as anyone in pedalling that old stages of grieving model thinking acceptance was the end point, denial is something we should only feel at a very early stage, that there was a nice neat finish line. What a load of nonsense and only serves to make us all feel like failures in not reaching that impossible goal.
More modern approaches talk more about ’ continuing bonds’ and that makes much more sense to me.
If we’ve made it to this forum, none of us are really in denial are we? We all know what has happened but it doesnt mean we’re ok with it or we don"t still want or feel some part of our soul mates alive?
I never thought Einstein’s theories would be a source of comfort! . I hope it does help you too.
Xxx
Yes, these sources can be of comfort. I’ve always been more scientifically- oriented when it comes to explaining the “unknown”, also due to being married to my husband for 25 years with his analytical/scientific mind,when studying detail.
“Continuing bonds” with my husband is definitely my motto for getting through each day.
I read the other day that the ‘stages of grief’ model was never actually meant to be for those grieving, but for those who had been diagnosed & were coming to terms with a life limiting illness. Some may find it helpful, & goodness knows we all need as much help as we can dealing with this, but like you I much prefer the ‘continuing bonds’ approach.
Also, I have championed before a lady called Megan Devine… she’s on social media as Refuge in Grief…or just Google Refuge in Grief. Having experienced her own loss, she completely gets it …in that it’s not something to be got over or through, there is no time limit, and as her book title explains ‘It’s Ok that you’re not ok’.
Perhaps before you spend out, have a look at her Refuge in Grief website to see what you think…I see there are podcasts too. I known when I read the book reviews on Amazon, they were mostly glowing, but there’s the odd ‘not for me’ comment …but everyone is different. I hope it helps . xx
I think the only useful part of the seven stages of grief is in the realisation that ANYTHING is normal. So the anger, guilt, denial etc all exist and are not to be feared as not right.
Anything can happen at any time but I agree with you all that Richard is with me for life - and after that in my belief. I have faith as well as science and love both. They both help me enormously.
As a non-believer I’ve depended on myself primarily to handle what life throws at me. When my mum died 6 years ago it hit me like a speeding train. Everyone seemed united in prayer and kept telling me I should believe she was in heaven. Any time I tried to explain my own thoughts that I didn’t personally accept an afterlife I was basically shut down. As if I was betraying my mum’s own strongly held religiously beliefs. I wasn’t, I just have my own outlook on existence; as a science nerd myself, I hold that when we die we’re still part of this universe physically, just not consciously.
I have no problem with people’s beliefs or lack of, it’s a struggle for everyone. Yet I still feel I’m betraying her memory. When she was alive she had no problem with my non-belief, as long as I kept it to myself - I still laugh at times remembering it.
The video of Michelle Thaller was so good (she’s one of my favourite astrophysicists), I’m glad there’s someone else out there still searching for answers from a critical viewpoint. I suppose I’ll find out one way or another some day.
So glad to have read your post.
I lost my son in December to be honest i prayed every night but nothing i see the world in a different light now i have totally lost faith not that i had much before
My son onthe other hand totally belived in god right up to the end
I feel depressed most days and wonder why my son he never did anything to anyone its so unfair
Thank you that was just what I needed today. Agree it seems to get harder
My husband of 45 years died just before Christmas and this past week has been the worst so far.
Trying to make sense of everything is both hard work but in a strange way rewarding
My soul wishes you well and thank you again
Thank you so much for this link.
It often amazes me when eminent physicists scoff at religeous faith, with an arrogance that suggests they have all the answers.
There’s nothing like being in this terrifying tunnel of grief for helping us to sort out what’s real and what isn’t. It has taken (is taking ) me more than two years but at least I now know I’m in a tunnel, not a cave. From the day he “died” I have known that David IS not WAS and that his present is my future. The satnav has just taken me on an unwanted detour of the same landscape to reach the same destination.
For now, I am like a rough stone, tossed in a tumbler, battered, bruised, despairing of ever knowing which way is up but I shall emerge smooth, polished, facing the sun and reunited.
Right now I can joke that my life has been saved ( whether or not I wanted it to be) by my faith and my dishwasher. Perhaps, this evening, I shall feel close to despair again. It comes and goes. That’s the lifeline. It goes. Hang on to that. Be glad, if you can, that your beloved is not having to go through this. It certainly helps me in my worst times.
If you are new to this hellish ride, be assured that either it gets easier OR that you will get better at holding on. I’m not sure which. I Do know that it feels safer to cling on to the grief than to let it go. At least it’s something rather than nothing. The trouble is that it is a diving brick, not a lifebelt and it is holding us down.
God bless us all.
@Prof
What an AMAZING post; thank you. You are very eloquent and put so many things so well about this life without our loved one.
I am lucky that I DO have that faith which tells me I will be back with my darling Richard one day but I have a lot to do here first. I don’t know how I would be surviving without that faith - or the dishwasher!
My love for Richard continues exactly as it was, it’s just that I can’t express it in a hug or a kiss with him as I would like to. I am still his wife and always will be.
I love the stone analogy. If you see this @ObeSnug you’ll like it too (my older daughter for those who don’t know - it was her Dad’s nickname for her.)
Love
Karen xxx
I always think that about my OH he never did anything to anyone, why him? There are so many horrible people in this world who go on to live to be old yet such good people die young and some suffer horrendously first. That’s why I don’t believe in God or have any faith. Oh I’m so sorry to see your son was so young. Life is just so bloody cruel
. I hope it does help you too.
