I try to cope but then I come back

I’ve been on here for many months after my beloved husband of over 50 years died last July - almost a year and it’s not getting any better. We did everything together especially in the last years of his life when his walking was bad, his balance was bad and his speech a bit slurred. We coped and were together but then he got cancer and died.
Our adult son (41) lives here but hasn’t got a “proper” job. He indulges in his hobby of making swords and knives but sells very few. He is in bed until at least 1pm and then up until 4am - 5am every night. I get little company in return for providing him with food, heating, internet, phone, everything paid by me. He occasionally cuts the grass, makes a very basic meal from the freezer and sits in the living room playing on his laptop in the evening for about 45minutes before I go to bed. The cat is infinitely more company.
I have none of my family left and my husbands family are all gone too. I am desperately lonely and now a neighbour has started chopping plants down on my fence - I know that sounds bizarre but I love my garden and this upsets me terribly. My son ignores me when I cry and last night told me to “Shut Up”.
I honestly wonder why I am trying to carry on and just feel like ending it all. I want to be wherever my husband is now but know that will never happen and I so long to hear his voice and feel his arms around me. I need more friends and feel so different when amongst other people but have health issues which going out difficult.
Sorry this is so long and such a totally selfish moan but I am trying to make sense of it all.Somebody said I should tell my son to leave but then I would be alone and never see a soul.
My doctor just wants to put me on antidepressants but its company I need not drugs.

Hello, I’m sorry to read what you are going through. Have you thought of joining a local bereavement group? I did that about a year after mum died and met some nice people. Sadly one of.the people running the group got Cancer and passed away and the group folded. It’s hard to walk in the first time but everyone in the group understands and quickly make you feel welcome. Please think about it as you have nothing to lose and may make new fiends. Love to you at this terrible time xx

It’s not a selfish moan, don’t even think that. Have you a local hospice, ours has all sorts of classes even prayer and meditation groups as well as a monthly group session. Locally we also have a group called ‘Oddfellows’ which I have heard is very good. I am thinking of making contact with them. There is also a woman’s group and a knit and natter group. I knew nothing of any of these before my loss. I don’t feel ready for groups at the moment but will keep them in mind for the future.
Go into your local library they have a list of things. Contact AGE UK they will also help you with local activities that might suit you or at least direct you, ask you local Council what might be on offer in your area. Approach your local church they usually have coffee mornings. You will need strength to search out the company you want. I do hope you manage to find some peace and company.
Your useless son is no help to you and he needs a good kick up the bum. Have you no one that can have a word with him.
You are right to refuse antidepressants, well done.
Keep in touch let us know how you get on.
Love Pat xxx

Thanks for your reply Carol. I did go to a group at the hospice where my husband died and have since then tried to get a group going, just for coffee meetups. It’s quite difficult to get a day when all can attend and at the moment people seem to be doing holiday things so we maybe get only 3 or 4 but I’ll keep trying with that as they are all very nice. Love xx

Thanks Patti, I’ve been trying to find groups and asked Age UK for help. The Scotland side of it isn’t as good as the English side and although there seem to be all sorts of groups in England, where I am there are not very many. It’s a bit frustrating.
I wish I had an older male relative to speak to my son but I haven’t and, although I asked him to sit down this afternoon and talk with me, I didn’t get very far and he remains very antagonistic. It’s hard to deal with amidst all the other things. Love xx

Hi maryjane,

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your husband and that you sometimes feel like ending it all. It sounds as though you are feeling very lonely, and your son is not at all supportive or good company.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. I hope it helps a little to be able to talk to others in similar situations. There is lots of other support out there.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

We offer online bereavement counselling to members of this community. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling

The other users who’ve replied to you have made some good suggestions of things you could try to meet people and to feel a little less alone. I would also suggest Way Up, which is a website for widows and widowers aged 50+ - it has an online forum like this site, but is more geared towards helping people connect with others in their local area and organise meet-ups and social events.

You deserve support and connection so please, maryjane, get in touch with some of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Community Manager

That’s great Maryjane, you will be helping others as well as yourself. It is very brave of you to do this, I’m sure I couldn’t have the strength or the confidence to do it. You are stronger than you think. I hope it helps you deal with your grief as well as making you new friends which you deserve. Love to you xx

Hi. maryjane. Nothing is ever bizarre, silly, stupid or selfish because we are in a state of grief, and we can express our feelings on here knowing everyone understands. It’s even more difficult for you having your son behave as he does. The advice given in the above posts would set you on the right course for at least some little relief. The thing to realise is that you are far from alone in this. Although we may never come into personal contact, our empathy and love goes out to you over the airwaves. It can’t be seen any more than can Spirit, and I’m sure the Spirit of your loved one will help you. Do you talk to him and ask for help? I do, and although I often feel my wife’s presence, sometimes I don’t. But I think it all depends on my mood. Some people are ‘group’ people, some not. I find this website so helpful because I can come on at any time and feel the understanding and love that comes through. Now take care. We are all here if you ever want to unload. Love and Blessings to you.

Hi Maryjane, I also ask Brian to help me and for guidance. I think you are going to be just fine. Keep persevering with the meetings even if there’s just a couple of you, I bet others will soon join in once you get it off the ground, especially if there isn’t much on offer in your area, I bet they’re just waiting for someone like you. When your confidence and independence comes then you will be in a better place to tell your son that he can leave or change his attitude towards you and your home.
He will need you a lot more than you need him.
Good luck, let us know how you get on.
Pat xx

I’m so sorry for your loss my husband died 3 years ago I’ve been on antidepressants but they make you into a zombie I’m nearly off them now . Your right it’s company we need it’s a shame some of us can’t meet I’m in Cheshunt Hertfordshire where are you xxx

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Good evening Maryjane
Tonight I read your say message and completely understand your situation and I could offer a small element of support because I have need through the same situation, My wife Patricia went to heaven in April 2016.
Maryjane you have to carry on because your husband would what you to carry on, My Patricia always said to me before she went to heaven, Bryan “You’ll never walk alone” and I sincerely believe in those words and each day when I have a low ebb I think of the words and whenever I can I find the song on the radio and listen to all of the words. I believe that although you do not physically your husband he is always with you to watch over you.
That’s all for now Maryjane whatever happens never give up, sometimes crying can release some of the emotion we all have I do it quite offen.
Good night and God Bless you and keep you safe, for your Husband who is watching.