I’ve always hated rollercoasters 😔

Losing a partner
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2025 has been a non-stop, can’t get off if you try rollercoaster ride :face_with_diagonal_mouth:

I lost my partner of 10.5 years just under 3 weeks ago. Diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer very early in the New Year we couldn’t believe back then that it would really take him. He’d always been fit & healthy & rarely needed a doctor or took any medication.

Oh boy, did cancer change that :roll_eyes: So many pills, injections, complications. It felt like there was some other-worldly conspiracy to prevent him getting the only lifeline being thrown to him in the form of chemo & immunotherapy. He received just 1 of the 8 planned courses & of course it wasn’t enough :pensive:

I am a mess atm. The initial numbness has mostly given way to me trying to think of what lies ahead & then closing those thoughts down quickly as I can’t deal with a future without him yet….& wonder if I’ll ever.

We literally lived for each other & despite having a wide circle of friends our home was our sanctuary, our place of togetherness where we laughed & loved & we were happy to just be there with our dogs.

I have found keeping myself busy cleaning has helped - albeit ‘safe’ places like the kitchen etc. I then moved on the trying to sort his clothes & although it felt ‘okay’ to bag up old clothes he hadn’t worn for some time, I just couldn’t do anything but neatly fold & place clothing he’s worn over the last few months back in the wardrobe. As I folded them, I held some of them close, desperate for the smell of him but of course they’d been washed & there was only a smell of fabric softener :pensive:

He wasn’t really one for aftershave either so even opening the bottle he does have in the bathroom doesn’t really help….

I have found that talking to professionals involved in his care or others who understand this awful journey by their own experience, really helpful. Although much of that ‘talking’ so far has been by texting. It’s hard to actually speak when the tears are falling :cry:

And so, after a couple of really difficult days - he was cremated 2 days ago & I collect his ashes tomorrow, I’ve wandered in here……mostly with the intention of just reading & trying to glean information about coping strategies etc. But it felt rude not to introduce myself :face_with_diagonal_mouth:

Thank you for letting me in x

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Hello Debs, Sorry for your loss. I lost my Darling wife of 52 years in April 2024. People who have not been through the loss of a long term partner do not understand what you are going through. On this site we all do as we are on the same hard journey. I saw this somewhere " Time does not heal a heartache, nor stop a silent tear , or take away the memories of one we held so dear". I try hard to keep the happy memories close to hand and take the other two as the price of 52 years with my Darling wife. I am starting to manage the grief better and can remember a happy memory without it making me sad every time.
I am lucky there is a bereavement cafe in my village that meets once a month. That and this site have been a great help So come on here for a chat, a rant or just a ramble. I do and feel better for it. Grief comes in waves. I hope you are due an upturn soon.

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Hi Deds2025, firstly i am sorry you are here. What happened to your husband sounds very familiar. My wife Sue was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in November. 91/2 weeks later, Sue had gone. Sue had just started chemotherapy, her first go, so i am 23 weeks tomorrow on this path.
It is hard there is no magic pill, all i can say to you is try and look after yourself, sleep, eat and drink. Drinking is important if you are crying a lot. I know they seem hard at the moment. If you have a support please use it. I am afraid that we understand what you are going through, so if you need to rant or ramble on here, please do it has helped me. We are all individuals so what might work for someone,might not work for someone else. I have had counselling and now go to a bereavement coffee morning. I also lost my Dad last Christmas day 2024. I have read it’s ok that you’re not ok by Megan Devine.
I still cry everyday not as much but still do.
All i can say is take care of yourself please.

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Debs. There are no words that sufficiently express how we all feel for you. Not ‘I’ - ‘we’ because that is how we all are here.

What a beautifully written and passionate ‘introduction’. It had me in tears. Thank you for sharing your story.

I lost my wife unexpectedly after a very short illness in November 2024, one of the few it seems that wasn’t due to cancer. I agree with all that Rob and Nightwish have said.

You said that you are in a mess. Personally I wouldn’t expect anything else with your loss being so recent. Don’t try to rush things too fast, take your time as this is a marathon not a sprint. I haven’t even started on Mary’s clothes after more than 7 months. My daughters have done some to help but they can’t spend all their time with me. Baby steps are all that can be taken - but baby steps will get you there in the end. Remember the tortoise and the hare. Who got there first? The one taking slow easy steps.

Yes read from others here but importantly say how you feel. Yes, rant and rave - we all do from time to time. Others will back me up on that I’m sure. One of the nice things here is that we can take our time, we don’t have to talk and sometimes a single post has taken me an hour to write, due to the tears flowing.

What I do think is important is to keep up to date with essential paperwork, feed yourself with nutritious food, even if it is in small amounts. Drink plenty and look after yourself.

I wish you success in travelling this long path with us all. Stay with it - you will get through. I can say that I could hardly string two words together without crying initially but now I have come a long way since that time.

With much love. Nigel xxxx :people_hugging:

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So his ashes have now been at home just 4 days & I think I’d hoped having them here would bring some sense of him ‘being home again’ but I’m honestly not feeling that ……I wish I did.

He’d have laughed at the fact his ashes needed two scattering urns. I can hear his laugh now & it brings tears & smiles. He was a very tall man but was medically recognised (& studied ) for having large bones. These two very smart urns currently sit (I feel somewhat reproachfully) on a cupboard in our lounge.

I’m not sure what I’d expected regarding ashes - I’ve never been here before. I think I’d imagined something far smaller - these urns are heavy!

I confess to previously never really understanding why someone would want to keep ashes……but I see now that life (& death) has a way of ‘re-opening’ our minds & I can now absolutely understand the desire to hold onto this last physical part of our loved ones.

However, I believe what is influencing my current mood is the fact we had agreed together that I would take him to the beach & ‘set him free’ - his astrological sign was Pisces & loved the sea. I hate the idea he is ‘contained’ although this is mixed up with the belief he is already free. So the fact I feel the urns are reproachful I think is down to me feeling some guilt that I haven’t done this yet!

I’m also a little scared that if I do that now - as in ‘Is it too soon?’ will I regret it? It’s not like I can get them back is it….?

I’ve even stroked the urns & asked him to help me with this decision! But I think I know what he’d have wanted me to do……

Funny how sometimes just writing things down helps isn’t it? Although it hasn’t come out in a structured post - probably reflects just where my head is at right now!

Thoughts & experiences, of course, are welcomed x

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You just have to do what you are comfortable with the ashes.
I’ll be honest, when i got Sue’s ashes back i would scatter them straight away, but she is still here next to the ashes of are last two cats(never thought i would say that).
If i don’t scatter Sue on her favourite beach. We will be scattered together on it,which i like the sound of. I have got my funeral sorted and that is part of it.
I hope that helps,but please remember it’s your choice and only when you are ready. Take care

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@Debs2025 @Nightwish1 When I collected my Sue’s ashes it felt so final. Up until then I guess I had kind of though.she might try to come back. How irrational is that? Anyway, I have arranged to have them scattered at the crematorium on 20th July. The when and the where are very much individual decisions. Not something to be rushed so take your time. In my case I want to be able to ‘visit’ Sue so I hope having her ashes scattered will provide a focal point for visits. Somewhere I can just go and chat to her.

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