I’ve been hurt by a widower

Coping with bereavement
1

Hello all, I’m genuinely sorry for your loss, I work in the Nhs and have lost loved ones myself, I eventually went to see a counsellor and it really helped me when no one else could,
But today I’m here to ask any of you, so I can understand some trauma I’ve been through while dating an in unmarried widower, please don’t be cross with me if you think I’m in the wrong place, I really don’t know where to go to for help.
Isn’t month I stopped seeing my ex parter.
He contacted me 18 months ago after his partner of 15 years passed away.
We used to date as teenagers.
Some members of his family ( mostly his ex wife of 26 years ) were making up stories about me, telling lies and laying down poison, disagreeing with us being together,

I don’t understand why my bereaved partner didn’t support me.
He came after me. Wanted to be with me every day, stayed at my house, we traveled together , spent time with each other’s families … but he never really made me welcome in his home.

I’ve had to walk away but I feel so traumatised and used after an 18 month relationship, I feel very used.

I feel as if I was just a stepping stone to get over his sadness or loneliness.

Can anyone help or advise me of why he would do this and why some people judged us and didn’t think we should be together because of his loss, I suppose I’m asking for your experience in allowing others to make you feel guilty for having a new relationship after a death…
I hope I’ve explained myself and I hope no one is offended… I just feel traumatised and hurt and in pain.
I think he has two lots of guilt … one for seeing me … and other from family pressures.

2

hi LJane,
who knows what makes bereaved people act the way they do.perhaps it was his way of handling the loss by having someone else comfort him in his time of loss.only the man in question can answer why he did what he did and why.if i was you id not bother and just move on.but you got to do what is best in your mind for you.good luck in settling your mind.
regards ian

3

So sorry your suffering. It’s so cruel. I think you may have realised the problem yourself when you say he had two lots of guilt and probably family pressure also make him think twice about a relationship but eighteen months is a long time and then decide not to continue. Perhaps, as you say yourself you was also a stepping stone to get over his loss.
When my mother lost my father when he was only in his forties she went away for months and came home with a man she had met but as soon as he set foot in her house she immediately finished the relationship. Poor man. She went on to have another relationship with a married man but eventually came to her senses and settled down eventually. All was her way of coping at her loss.
Try to be patient and give him space who knows when things die down he might well get in touch again. Whether you trust him or not is another thing.
Take care Pat xxx