My dad died on New Year’s Eve and I was with him. I’d held his hand and laid with him as he died. When he died I kissed his forehead, thanked him again for being my dad. I said goodbye to him then.
Mum is insisting on a church service, wake and then another service at the crematorium. I don’t want to go to a service, even though I’ve arranged it because mum wants it. I’ve already said goodbye to dad. I don’t want to see a box that he’s in, I want to keep the memory of him lying down and peaceful. . I’ve spent time with mum and talk with her every day. I’m coping and dealing with my sadness in my own way. If I try to talk about dad to anyone else I mostly get ‘it was good you were with him’ . No one really wants to hear, so why go through services where people don’t really want to talk about dad. I don’t know what to do
. I don’t understand when people say closure. Closure of what? And I hate people telling me I lost my dad. I didn’t lose him. I was there with him. He didn’t leave me, he didn’t pass way, he died. He died because he was very ill. It wasn’t a blessing. It wasn’t for the best.
Mu said she didn’t want any fuss then 15yrs ago at my godmother’s funeral she said ‘I’ve changed my mind this is what i want’ i said ‘in that case i’m not coming’. She wanted a full catholic mass, so t’s what she had. We did what mum would’ve wanted even tho my sis and i weren’t raised catholic so had no idea what was going on. Mum had her funeral planned she’d even written her eulogy! She was nearly 90 - think she started planning it when my godmother died. Did find it hard seeing her coffin brought into church. For me the crem was more personal and the wake was more comforting.
Like you l was there when mum died - it wasn’t an easy thing to do or see.
I think closure is completely the wrong word when dealing with a bereavement. Grief doesn’t stop with a funeral.
Mum used to say it’s a blessing i think she meant that they were no longer suffering or in pain. Anyway just wanted to say welcome to the group no one wants to join! Take care.
Thank you. That really has helped, not least because I thought I was on my own thinking this.
I’m telling myself I’m going to go and have even written something to say, even though I don’t want to be there and I’m terrified of standing up in front of people at the best of times.
I really appreciate you replying to me. It was a huge step to put something so personal on here
I have found this forum really helpful, hope it helps you too. Church service confused us particularly when a women we didn’t know read a reading my nephew was expecting to do -he rehearsed it in the car going to the church. Mum was very active in her church and it was nice to so many people there - So many we couldn’t greet them afterwards as is normal as we’d have late for the crem. I’m terrified of public speaking so was never gonna speak - i admire you if you do. Not sure any of it was comforting but the thought we’d done what she wanted was. Being with her meant she got the last rites. It did make us laugh as a the priest came by bike. She had a friend who cycled 3 miles to work (mum thought she was mad) priest must have cycled 20 miles to come to the hospital. It’s funny what you remember. Sorry if im rambling! Not sure if any of helps but just wanted to say hello, we’re here.
Don’t worry about speaking at the funeral @Westham. Everyone there is there to support you & your family. No one expects a perfect presentation. You may become emotional or you may not. You make choke up. You may hardly get the words out. None of that matters to those who care for you.
I wrote out what I wanted to say & looked down at my paper the whole time as I was too scared / emotional/ overwhelmed to look up. No one cared. They saw I tried my best.
I agree that people don’t know how to deal with your grief unless they’ve been there too. Everyone on this forum gets it & will do their best to support you. 
@Westham
I totally understand this. My mum was admitted to hospitaĺ on christmas eve and subsequently passed away on the 6th Jan. I had discussed with mum several years ago about funeral arrangements and she was adamant that she wanted a straight to cremation funeral with no service.
I’m really thankful for this as I was able to get that arranged very early on and, to be honest, i dont think i could handle a full on funeral right now. The undertakers currently have mum in their care and are dealing with everything.
It was just me and mum though so i dont have siblings or other family members pulling in different directions (her brother died in 2014 and had no children and she has a half sister, but they’re not particularly close). There’s also no religious expectations getting in the way.
All i can say is that you need to do what is right for you and discuss it with the family? I understand it’s not easy though when you’re dealing with family and/or religious dynamics but in the long run, it may be problemstic if you’re talked into doing something you’re not comfortable with. You may decide you do want to attend nesrer the time but it has to be what’s right for you.
I hope you get on ok