I want to be with my baby

Thank you, I’ve messaged this morning.
I hoped after such a bad day yesterday I would feel a bit better today but it just get worse.
The longer it is since she died the further away from her I feel and that twisting in my stomach hurts more and more. The bleakness, the dark, the ache increases I hope it will swallow me up and take me away to be with her but it never comes

Dear Tuptup and Taff I am so sorry for what you are going through. The pain of loosing a child no matter what age is too awful and indescribable to someone who has not experienced it. Your whole universe changes and nothing makes sense. I lost my son in 2021 and everyday I think how on earth is a mother expected to go on it’s unbearable. Even after 2 years I am still broken inside, I just hide it better. I am lucky I have kind friends and family but I feel no one on the outside can really have any insight to my world so that’s why I come here. I know here people get it in a way outsiders can’t no matter how empathetic they are. I just come on this site when I need support , and feel I am not alone. Tuptup I did not want to leave my son either , I brought his ashes home like so many others on this site and here he will stay as long as it takes. I found the thread “ loss of a son 27” helpful and Jim10 who lost a son and is further down the road on his journey writes some very insightful posts , if you put his name in the search bar you can find them.
There is nothing anyone can say to ease your pain at the moment, every atom of your body is relentless pain. How, why, what if? So many questions and no answers. I literally just kept breathing , one breath at a time in the beginning getting through another minute another hour another day. I don’t know how we do it but we do, even though we don’t want to.
I am so sorry for your pain and don’t know why life does such terrible things. People have not forgotten they are just unable to understand what you are going through and may even say unhelpful things. Someone said to me you want to go out and enjoy yourself now!? I didn’t take offence as I knew they meant kindly but the one that used to really get me was “ Be strong” !!! Are you kidding ?
Scream, cry, drink, eat, don’t eat, stay in bed, get up, take anti depressants if you want, do what ever you want to do as long as you need to, that’s all I can say. Over 2 years and I still can’t get rid of any of my boys stuff, maybe I never will.
Yes talk to your doctor if you can , but keep coming on this site, it helped me a lot anyway hope it helps you.
Be gentle with yourself x

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Tuptup i’m definitely having more, panicky feelings, it seems constant today, it will be 6 weeks tomorrow I last saw him, even at Uni I would visit mid term to make sure he was okay so this is the longest time ever i’ve not been with him, We used to text every other day as well. The thought of never seeing him again as well as everything that I should have did better is torture.

Iv found the panicky feeling will subside but I’m finding in some situations they come back I’m hoping over time they will go altogether, in the early months I was in a constant panicky state to the point I felt like I needed the toilet all the time but it will subside you’re still in shock taff.

JSS thank you for your lovely reply and Taff let’s help each other.
You are so right, this is the only place I feel like I am really understood. I feel safe typing how I feel and what I’m thinking on here.
Everywhere I go, everything I do she is there. We spent so much time together, my daughter was a singer/songwriter and I took her to every gig, every studio session. We spent our evenings in her room while she played and wrote, often until the early hours of the morning. Then we would spend our days planning our future and where we would live when she made it big!
She had just been signed and we were back 2 weeks from recording her album in the Caribbean when she was diagnosed.
She had gone from owning the world to facing death.
I have lost it all.
I know there are far too many people on here who understand and that is so so cruel.

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Oh you must have been so proud of her ,I can tell you were so very close to, I expect as she was artistic she was very caring, creative and sensitive as well. My son was also musical , sensitive and empathetic. He lived at home and we were very close. That makes it worse when they are gone, every where you look there is something to remind you. In the kitchen cupboard, things you bought for them to eat, bathroom stuff ,hairbrush, Clothes, shoes , I could not bear the sound of the hair dryer for ages after we lost him as he was always drying his hair . I look at the stairs he used to come down every morning and the seat he sat on. Music always filled the house , now I can barely play anything it rips into me. Sometimes I will put the radio on and say to him how about a song for me and something will come on that would be relevant to us. It makes me smile. I light a candle everyday for him and keep flowers by his photo.
Many times I felt I was going mad and I would read other people would have had the same feelings. I used to think I was the only one who thought this way or that way but you find on here most people seem to feel the same things, so yes you can say anything here, things you would never say to friends. I went to a bereavement group but no one had lost a child so I didn’t feel they could relate. I have lost my parents and friends which I thought was traumatic but to loose my child I found was on another level, one I had no idea existed.

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Hi @Jss

I’m sorry for your loss . Your posts on here all ring true to me who’s 10 weeks into this horrible hell .

Have you tried The Compassionate Friends. They run support groups for those who have lost a child .

xx

Hi Tilly I am sorry you are on this journey too . I have looked compassionate friends up on Facebook but they don’t have a group near here, I see they do retreats as well. Have you joined their site ?

Yes I have .
I’m hopefully attending a supports group at the end of the month .

xx

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This is the only place I am understood having lost my son to drugs in March. Life is empty and not sure how I’ve got this far. Without this site I would go mad. Minute by minute is all we can do. Took me all morning to make a phone call, but I did it. Little steps. I then cried as the coroner emailed me. My son’s inquest is next week and feeling very anxious about it. Take care xx

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I hope that will help you, anything is worth a try. I am on TCF but there are no support groups near me plus I don’t find it the easiest site to use but that could be me xx

You lot have just reminded me I have a TCF email that I need to reply to, the local support group (well not that local) has asked to call me. There is also a SOBs one in Bristol but that is not practical with pubic transport I don’t think TCF one will be either.

Glad I mentioned TCF. Could you tell me what SOBS is please, I’ve seen it on here before. I hope TCF can help you. Thank you xx

SOBs is a suicide breavement charity

She was the kindest, sweetest most caring soul. My house is full of the gifts and cards she bought me. She is everywhere I look.
She had leukaemia when she was eight, I think she always knew this day would come and so filled our home with very thoughtful reminders, as if I would forget her, She was my life.
I told her I wanted to die with her, she made me promise to live for her sister but her sister is not enough. I resent the world. I resent my other daughter for not having a life, she has no partner or children, her dad has left the country. I resent my sister who has 2 healthy children and I resent myself for giving birth to a child who was destined to die.

Thank you. I hope they can support you. I’ve been crying again I think it’s the gradual build up to the inquest, it will be decided either drugs overdose or intentional suicide. His father committed suicide. In frustration today I managed to dig up a huge hydrangea plant🤷‍♀️ xx

I really feel your pain and no words help sometimes. If you can reflect if only for a few minutes of the day of the happy times. I have felt that that about giving birth to my son and destined to die mainly my sons father was an alcoholic and committed suicide in March 2020, my son was into drink and drugs, an addict but so kind, funny, intelligent, hard working but I believe with his fathers genes it was all part of it…a chemical imbalance in the brain, I’m far from perfect but I don’t drink or take drugs, plus my son would often say I won’t live to be old, I used to say don’t be silly….but it was true. How I wish it wasn’t. I’m not religious but I will be taking time out of my day on Wednesday to think of you xx

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Oh Tuptup it is never easy is it. To know your child is suffering and will not survive must be awful and I don’t know how I would have coped. My son just collapsed so we never got to say precious words, I had to do CPR and he was taken to hospital but they could not save him. It was Covid time so we could not even be with him, after 2 days they said they were turning the machine off and we could go in just to say goodbye, with all the PPI on so could not even touch him properly or get very close with all the pipes and wires. To be honest I think I was just in shock for ages. I hope he passed at home and it was just a body in the hospital, I can’t bare to think of him wondering why we had just left him there.
I feel full of guilt tho that I should have known something was wrong, done more , done the CPR better all the what ifs rip you apart. But it was Covid time you could not see a doctor and the ambulance took ages to come. They are our babies what ever age they are and I think it hurts so much now we can’t do our job and look after them anymore. You must think of your other daughter tho that she does not feel rejected , I have another son who is no longer at home but i sometimes forget that he has lost a brother to, and might think I don’t love him as much. I was very angry in the beginning to but that passes, I wish the guilt would but it won’t and it’s just like what is the point of anything anymore. We just have to plod on as best we can until it’s our turn. Maybe one day we will make some sense of it xx

Think this time of night is hard, he would either venture out of his bedroom to watch a series with his dad, or he would start his nightime routine, normally I would get ready for bed, then all I could hear for next hour is him in and out the bathroom, then downstairs to fill his water bottle up, he would sometimes let the cat out, that night my husband thought it was the same but I just thought I would check when I didn’t hear him come back upstairs and then that’s when I realised he had left the house. I’m definitely trying to find anything and everything to blame myself this week. Last 2 nights and 2 night ive been sleeping in garden in tent to get away from fact he’s not in the next room

MJG I think addiction is much misunderstood. It’s like people say just stop drinking as if it was as easy as that . Like saying to an anorexic just eat ! Addicts don’t want to be addicted, anorexics don’t want to starve themselves to death , it’s all mental health issues not a choice. If only they could have a blood test for mental health problems that could show up which neurotransmitter is deficient and rectifying it like with diabetes or iron deficiency , maybe one day. Meanwhile it seems so many are being blamed and ignored. So sad and unfair.