Hi Tuptup, not seen any posts for a day or so, how are you coping, if I remember rightly Thursday you have the funeral. I will be thinking of you and at somepoint in my day taking quiet time for you to reflect, I have my sons inquest Thursday. Take care xx
Thank you MJG for checking in, it really means a lot.
The funeral is on Thursday and Iām struggling with the eulogy. My daughter didnāt want someone to speak about her that didnāt know her and since I knew and loved the the most then itās me.
Iām worried I will break down and not be able to do it, i canāt let her down. Iām also worried that I am making it all about my loss and less about her. I canāt see past this gaping wound in my core where she should be.
Sheās coming home in the morning and Iām so excited as Iāll be able to spend the day with her, stroking her hair, kissing her forehead and talking to her but then sheāll be gone forever.
The undertaker remarked how unusual it is for her to be so well preserved given how long itās been since she died and how warm it has been.
I know she is still holding on, sheās still trying to stay for me, she wants to be here for as long as possible because she knows I canāt let go.
Where do I get the strength? How do I live?
Minute by minute MJG, Iām thinking of you too I donāt know how it must feel to be waiting for the inquest but I know it will be tearing at your soul x
How has the eulogy gone. I know tomorrow you will find the strength to read it ā¦you can do it. I hope you have good support with you and that today you have been able to sit with, talking to her, whatever gives you comfort. You daughter will always be with you, just like my son is with me. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and taking time out to reflect. Iām feeling very calm today, I know the bundle from the coroner word for word, just see what he/she decides, it wonāt change anything that I lost my son son to drugs. Take care, be kind to yourself. Tomorrow we both need to be strong in different ways xx
Thinking of you tomorrow. The celebrant read ours but my husband wrote it ( i was still in if i dont engage with the process its not true.)
Take care x
Thank you. My sons bundle from the coroner is 28 pages, cause of death, drug report, toxicology, police record, my statements, drs, etc. I know it word for word. The paperwork has been on the lounge floor for several weeks where I left it, I vacuum round it. Tomorrow it will be filed away after my sons mates have been over tomorrow evening xx
My heart wonāt stop pounding.
The anxiety is relentless.
Will medication help? I want to run away but I want to be home.
I want this pain to stop.
I want my baby back
You can do this. My heart is pounding and feeling anxious. We both have a day ahead of us we donāt wonāt in difficult circumstances. Thinking of you xx
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Let us get through this day xxx
How are you, been thinking of you. I got through the day, feel exhausted though. Coroner after deliberating went for accidental drug overdose. We are all here for you xx
Is that the outcome you were hoping for?
Is it helping? I was thinking of you while we were driving to the church.
There were hundreds there today along with local TV, I stood and performed just as she would have wanted me to
She is here in the garden which made it easier coming home, we didnāt make that public, but she isnāt here and sheāll never come inside again.
I am numb right now but I know the pressure is mounting in my chest and the grief will explode again.
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I am so proud of you for being strong, and reading the eulogy. It shows how much your daughter is loved by most of all by you. You have your drug with you and can spend time talking to her whenever you want. Be prepared for the next explosion of grief.
I am at rock bottom from yesterday even though it was the outcome I was hoping for. I feel I have gone backwards as it was all so raw yesterday hearing all the details again. I need to have a bit of time to reflect and re group myself. My so called best friend couldnāt understand why I didnāt want to go for a walk, then said oh I guess you may be a bit upset in a message, she then walked past my house and my partner was outside and she said I will just pop in, he said no, that I didnāt want to see anyone, she walked off in a huff. Why do people not get what the hell we are going through, sorry Iām having a rant. Keep messaging and here for youā¦xx
They donāt get it because they havenāt lived it.
They will never understand
I hope they never have to go through the hell we are in. Itās a dark tunnel to be in and a very bumpy ride xx