I’m so angry your family are treating you this way , its heartbreaking to read xx
@Lozrag88
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum . Five days is so recent and i can feel your pain , my mum passed away 6 months ago . Keep commenting on here if you feel the need and everyone on here is in so much pain and will respond . Take care. Love Angie xx
Thank you so much, its comforting to know that iam not alone. It just hurts so much doesn’t it! I cant imagine my future without her in it. When i was sad she was there to help me through and when I had good news she’s the first person I told, Her beautiful face and kind heart, I just can’t cope. Iam lucky I have a sister who is also helping which makes me sad for this lady who doesn’t seem to have anyone and is grieving alone. It shouldn’t be that way. I will also be here for anyone in pain. Iam so very sorry for your loss too. Thank you so much for your reply. Thank goodness for this page. xx
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I just don’t know what’s going on. I can’t deal with the spite and anger. They won’t explain. My sister won’t even speak to me to explain why she’s so angry. I just want to be with my mam. They won’t admit that I wasn’t invited. Dad can’t handle anything that is going on and my other sister is controlling everything, including putting the phone on loud speaker so she can take over the conversation when I do speak to dad. I just don’t want to wake up. I’m going over tomorrow because the vicar is going to the house to make arrangements and will give my sister a lift and ask her why she didn’t invite me to dinner. I can hardly eat anything so she wouldn’t even need to have set a place for me at the table. I feel that because I’m so distraught about mam they’re treating me like they hate me. My anxiety and panic attacks are just disregarded. I explained to dad that life before was hard enough and mam was the only one who understood. He just said he couldn’t handle it so I ended the call. I can’t drive myself to the chapel of rest and my sister said she was only going once, letting me know she won’t help me. I hate my agoraphobia and that I cannot be independent. I just feel they are being heartless and I’m being punished for whatever I have done in the past. She won’t tell me so how am I supposed to put it right? I feel as though I just don’t want to be here. I can’t do any of this alone. I am being bullied because my mam is dead and they aren’t being held accountable. They don’t want me there.
Oh hun, iam so sorry you are being put through all of this. Its just not fair and its not acceptable, please don’t do anything silly to yourself though. You must be strong! I just think it is absolutely disgraceful how you are being treat, you are grieving and clearly in so much pain. I don’t know what may have happened in your past but whats in the past is in the past and it is where it should stay and you shouldn’t be punished. You have lost your mum they should be helping you and comforting you no pushing you away. If you ever need to chat talk to me I will listen, we are all grieving and my heart is completely broken into a million pieces. Let’s get through this together. If you can’t get comfort from your family get comfort from us. Dont be alone
My whole world has fallen apart. It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you have a loving family around you to comfort you. I’m so sorry you have lost your mam. I’m desperately trying to let my mam know how much I love her. I thought she would be here forever. I didn’t realise she was an old lady already. I’ve written a letter to go in her coffin and will read it to her if I am able. I just don’t understand why this is happening.
I just can’t bear it. This wouldn’t be happening if my sister wasn’t here running things. My dad doesn’t even know what’s going on. I just can’t handle it all together. My mam is so loving and always defended my anxiety. I can see now what a battle she must have had. My poor mam. I didn’t realise what was going on before she died. She seems so far away from me because I keep asking her to visit me and she doesn’t reply. When I was little (11) her mam died and I was devastated and after some weeks she visited me as a ghost, telling me she was happy and not to worry about her. I still remember her hovering over my sleeping sister. So I know my mam can visit me too. I know I’m desperate but I can’t help it. I’m so destroyed by her dieing.
Its really isn’t right how they are treating you . Please be strong and don’t let them win , rise above it . We are all on your side . Having recently lost your mum you don’t need this extra stress , your mam would be so angry with them . Take care xx
I’m 51 years old and feel like a child because I have nobody to turn to and have no independence because of my agoraphobia and anxiety. I do try so hard and it’s so stressful
@Lozrag88
Thank you so much too . It really does hurt , my life will never be the same without my mum . I’m so glad you have your sister to help you , i have my brother . We are very lucky compared to Christine . This page is wonderful , so glad i found it . Take good care of yourself. Love Angie xx
Its just so unfair, I have my lovely sister…I’ve lost most of my family and I live far away from her but she’s just a phone call away. I’m just so sorry that you don’t have that. I don’t understand how some people can be so heartless. I went out today up a fell with a letter I had wrote and I lit it on fire and sent it off in the wind whilst the sun was setting. I’ve been writing poems because that eases my anxiety and I feel like its my mums way of connecting with me. I’m not a poetic type but I cant seem to take the pen away from paper. Do you not have any cousins or anything? You really shouldn’t be alone at at times like this. I feel so sad for you but please try to be strong. I know its so hard and it must be terribly difficult for you…I completely understand why you feel the way you do but you must not let them drag you down anymore, they clearly have no emotion, they can’t have.
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Lozrag88, You’ll see from my latest post (just now) I’ve had a breakthrough today with one sister because I explained how isolated I have been and the anxiety amplifies everything. I wasn’t invited for dinner and so I felt totally excluded and explained that. Maybe they are feeling guilty. I don’t know. But I feel so very relieved that I am now talking and close again. She is very motherly which is nice in a way because mam is not here. But she said that it’s not just mam who understands. Her daughter (my niece) had really bad panic attacks as well (but then why behave the way she did towards me?) My therapist has said I need to be aware of how intense my anxiety is and coupled with my intense grief could be ‘uncomfortable’ for them. But then I would be wanting to let that person (me) know that I would be there or do whatever they needed. Everyone just looked at me like there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t stop crying uncontrollably. What is there to understand? My mam has died! Why are they not crying uncontrollably?!!! I don’t understand it but I’m glad I’ve had a good chat, explained how I feel and that I have repaired whatever was going on. Maybe telling her that I just don’t want to wake up every day made her realise how desperate I feel. I’m very in touch with expressing emotion because I’m at the mercy of fear and panic every day. I live in fear and so my emotions are extreme, apart from when I’m immersed in the garden, my art or writing poetry (I’ll post my poem for the service when I’ve done it). A lot has happened to make me ‘broken’ and each day is a fight but I am a fighter. I just need to do battle with my other sister now! She was my carer for years and so that is a particularly upsetting situation because she understands, or I thought she did, what this is doing to me on top of losing mam. You are very lucky to have such a lovely sister. The three of us have always fought but I didn’t expect the two of them to team up against me. That is how it feels. But I hope we can sort it out. Dad just doesn’t want anyone being upset in front of him because he doesn’t want to be upset himself. A lot of avoidance going on there. Poor mam having to play referee to us all. It must have been exhausting for her. She’d be so upset if she knew. I love your idea of setting fire to your written thoughts. Beautiful. I’d do that if I could find a field in London and not get arrested for arson! Can’t believe my sense of humour has come back. I was balling my eyes out a minute ago. This really is a rollercoaster ride of emotion. But I’m glad for today and looking forward to visiting a church to pray for mam, digging out more photos for the service and writing my poem to capture my wonderful childhood. Mam is such a wonderful mam. I’m so glad she is mine xxx
Oh sweetheart thats wonderful, I think grief effects everyone differently doesn’t it.maybe they just can’t handle whats really happening and with you being so in touch with your feelings they just can’t cope with it. Me you yourself are very open about how I feel and none one used to tell me anything because I hurt easily because I love so deeply. BUT its grief and your in pain and they should understand and comfort you. You Have you lost the woman in your life who gave you life who was always there through everything and you have every right to express your feelings without people treating you like you shouldn’t show your emotions. I’m so very happy that there has been a break through. And like you I have also been doing a lot of poetry and I never used to, its as though my mum is connecting with me and I cant take my pen away from paper. I’ve shocked myself with how lovely they are and I will also share. Thank you for your reply and I truly hope that things get better for you… and yes don’t be getting done l that made me chuckle, I can see it now trying to burn a letter to your mum whilst running from the police 
xx
Yes! I imagine them chasing me, sirens on, tasers out and I’m screaming ‘but it’s for my mam!’ You are lovely. And I do find writing works through the pain. Doesn’t take it away but makes some sort of sense of it. Being with my family is a minefield. Just had a conversation with my dad about inviting my other sister’s (who is ignoring me) boyfriend’s parents. They are such lovely people and have known my parents for 25 years. But because of whatever has happened in that relationship and they have obviously taken their son’s side (why would they not?!) my dad just refuses to invite them. I tried saying that mam would have wanted them there, she is a very forgiving person (and this is not about who dad likes or not - I didn’t say that to him) and they would be very hurt not being invited but it’s a flat no to me BUT he will discuss it with my other two sisters. I feel rejected all over again like I just don’t count. When I visited yesterday and started asking him if mam knew how much I loved her his reaction was ‘ah, just stop going on will you’ so I stood in the kitchen in tears (trying to not be heard) and waited half an hour for my sister to return. His usual reaction to me is that I am ‘too extreme’ and I ‘just go on and on and on’ ! I have explained to my sister who insists that I look after dad when she returns home up North, that he is the one left, that I have two parents, but how can I do that when every time I try to talk about anything he shuts me down completely. He just doesn’t like me as a person. If I say whatever and then my sister says it he will accept it from her but not me. Even simple stuff like he should drink more water. His reaction is just ‘no’. I’m unconventional, will not be told what to do, stand up for myself and he just can’t accept that. He wants to be comforted and cried when the vicar was there bbut I’m not allowed to express any emotion at all. I jus despair of this whole situation. I desperately need my mam because she is the only one who did comfort me (with words, I don’t like being cuddled). My other sister is still ignoring me despite my phone call and text this morning). I have my therapy this afternoon so will chat about it but it will make no difference to the situation. How can I pretend that I’m not devastated? He is such a selfish person. Mam would be appalled. When I told my sister and added that during the funeral I will not be able to ‘contain myself’ her reply was that nobody would so that’s ok then. I’m allowed to be upset there but not anywhere else where dad is because he doesn’t want to see it. Writing this is helping me to understand what is going on. He wanted me off the phone because he was expecting the chiropodist to call, like this is normal life. I give up with him. But if I didn’t bother he really would not understand why. Amazing. I’m glad I’m able to express myself. That’s how I get through life. My mam was very sensitive and deep. We connected on another level, a secret understanding which didn’t have to be explained. If dad said or did some thing a look between us said it all. No words were needed, It’s just not fair. I look forward to your sharing. Keep it up. It works. And burning your letters and poetry to your mam is a beautiful thing, freeing them and not keeping them locked inside a book or computer (though keeping a copy would be good because it would be something to delve into in the future to reconnect with such a special time, a connection between you). Must go now to get ready for my therapy. Actually fed the birds, tidied up the garden, planted my hostas. I was frightened to go in the garden so it’s another achievement. Take care hun and I’m sure I’ll be back tonight again because I am so upset when I’m trying to get to sleep and when I wake up. They are the worst times for me. x
You’ve brought my mam back to just by the way you call her mam . Grandchildren & great grandchildren will remember because you will tell them all about her every day. That will be her legacy. Take care hold on to the people around you & talk about your beautiful MAM . The one thing I am happy about is my daughter is now with my mam who adored her xx
It has been lovely (though very rocky at first) reconnecting with my family (sister and her family) from the North East. Just had a very long conversation with my niece who I will see next week for the funeral. Seems like I’m in a trance trying to chat and follow a conversation when I’m not distraught about mam. I wish I was with my mam and I keep asking her to visit me. I’ll keep waiting for however long it takes her. My therapist said we all live on because we are all part of those we love and through death we are on a journey to another life, whatever that may be. We have to wait and see for ourselves. I hope my mam is with her parents and all the old aunties and grandma’s who I adored when I was little, in a beautiful garden in Heaven. I will wait to join her but I don’t want to wait a whole lifetime. I feel so empty without her. It is comforting to know that we return to our loved ones who we cannot bear to live without when we no longer have them. I’m going to start going to church because mam took comfort in that. I will sit and enjoy the space and hope to feel close to her. She might even give me a sign. I cannot even imagine your pain of not having your mam and daughter. Sending you love xxx