I want to die so I can join my mam

I want to join her. I want to curl up in the casket when I go to visit her in the chapel of rest so I never leave her. My life doesn’t mean anything now. I feel totally alone and absolutely destroyed. I wouldn’t get out of bed if it wasn’t for my cat. She doesn’t understand. I have no one to talk to. My family think I shouldn’t be this upset and don’t want me upsetting them. I live alone and nobody is even ringing me, knowing how devastated I am. Nobody really loved me apart from my mam. I just can’t go on without her. I know that is selfish but I love her beyond measure. She died last week today. I’ve been looking at her clothes. She loved her clothes, so colourful and vibrant. I don’t know how to get through the day on my own without her on the phone. I can’t stop crying. I’ve done some chores and got dressed in some sort of zombie state or just can’t stop crying. I can’t go outside but can’t stay inside on my own. I keep watching the recording of her in hospital before she died. She was on morphine and couldn’t speak or communicate. It’s unbearable. How was I so busy to not have seen more of her before she died? I just kept thinking I’ll finish the garden before the winter sets in and then we’ll have all the lovely things to do in the run up to xmas. I would have never left her if we knew she had cancer. I watched her take her last gulps of breath and I sat talking to her, stroking her hair until I was asked to leave. I love her so much I can’t function without her.


I know how hard these feelings can be.I am so sorry for your loss.i lost my mum in February this year.I know nothing takes the pain away but this is what I’ve learnt since losing my mum.If your mother was with you what would she say she would say.She would want you to be happy and she would hate it if she knew you were feeling this way.Nothing can take the pain away I felt exactly the same this February I also went through a similar experience to you I was watching my mother slowly die in hospital and I kept fighting with her until she lost her battle with aspiration pneumonia.Time doesn’t heal but it helps.


The feeling you are having are completely normal and everyone in this communitie is going through a similar experience.You are not alone.If you need to chat I’m here x

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Hello Christine, I understand how you feel and know the desolation you feel. When we loss someone special it takes time to come to turns with that loss. During the first few weeks we don’t know how to get through the day or the nights. Everyone on here knows how that feels and for anyone to think it’s wrong during those weeks have not be there or they would understand. We move from zombie to auto pilot and back again. Don’t ever feel alone, we are always here for you and if you feel really bad then please ring Samaritans on 116123. Just writing or talking to someone who will not judge you but sympathies and understands will help to get you through the worst until you see the light at the end. I just wish I could help you more. Please look after yourself and your cat. S xxx

Christine you feel your alone. These lovely people are feeling your pain. We’ve been we’re you are . I lost my mam 35yrs ago & wanted so much to be with her .but it’s not to be. Gave birth 8weeks later . Thank god for him .you have this wonderful people here reach out . We will do our best. Bless you xx

Hello @christine51,

As @SusieM has said, please know you are not alone even though it probably feels that way. It is such early days - you have done well to get up and dressed and some chores done, even if that’s in a zombie state. The way you are feeling is completely understandable - I really hope you find this community helpful and a good source of support as you process the death of your Mam and how you are feeling.

There are other organisations out there too, like Samaritans who are available to talk and help you - I’d really encourage you to reach out to one of them to talk about how you are feeling. Here are some details:

Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence - you can call them on 116 123 or, if you find it easier to write things down, you can email jo@samaritans.org.
Shout are also contactable 24/7 but this time by text - all you need to do is text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.
You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline here and local bereavement support services through the At a Loss website.

Sue Ryder also offers an online bereavement counselling service which is free and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care of yourself - please keep reaching out,

I’m so sorry to hear you lost your mum , my mum passed away 6 months ago and i am devastated . Please don’t feel alone , there is always someone to talk to on here . Please take care xx

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I’m so sorry. What you feel is normal, I think… I mean, I felt this way when my dad died 3 months ago. I felt life wasn’t worth living and I didn’t know how to go on.
You have to pick yourself up and know that this is life. It makes you feel things that sometimes you can’t bear to feel. You clearly loved your mum so much, isn’t it amazing to know that love can feel that way? Without her you wouldn’t have known the true extent of what you can feel.
As painful and abandoning as it feels, I think it’s normal to feel like you’re in your own bubble all of the time, I spent weeks walking around in a daze myself.
It’s hard for you to go outdoors but I found this the only way to give my mind the space it needed to breathe- maybe push hard to spend time walking with no specific direction? I needed a lot of time to myself too.

Believe me, I know the feeling of loneliness, wanting to hear someone’s voice so desperately and not getting though a day without them- I’m 24 and had been looking after my dad since I was at university. I miss everything about him and I always will.
I’m sure if your parent had half as much love as you seen to for them, they would want you to feel ok about the future. - isolating yourself might be ok now but you need someone to help you. It’s there anyone in particular you get on well with in your friends/family group?

You’re welcome to message separately
My intent it to always support with my own experience too

I don’t know how to private message.

I’m truly sorry that you have lost your dad so young. Can’t even imagine it at your age. How do you find the strength to get through each day? Everything I read on here just breaks me. I cannot bear this amount of pain.

I have a lovely therapist (weekly) but I am totally alone without my mam. One sister pretended to make up with me when mam was in hospital and now is angry and ignores me completely. She won’t tell me why or even admit what is happening. It’s like I’m invisible when I am there with everyone. She uses me for a lift because she doesn’t drive. She used to be my carer and so I thought she fully understood my isolation (re panic attacks, anxiety, agoraphobia). I can’t understand how she can be so cruel and yet appear to everyone else a caring and loving person. I have no contact now with her children. My other sister accused me of stealing a brooch my dad gave to me (sentimental, mam always wore it) and wouldn’t let me leave until I took it off (she stood in the doorway and ignored the fact that I was having a panic attack because I couldn’t get the brooch off my jumper and was trapped. I then had to drive home alone because my other sister wouldn’t get in the car). My dad thinks I should be over it all by now. I can’t be at their house without crying because my mam isn’t there. I can’t bear to look at her fancy teapots on the sideboard. They all look at me like there’s something wrong with me. They aren’t upset and it’s only been a week gone Thursday. If I died to be with mam (she looked so peaceful, like she was sleeping soundly) I really don’t think any of my family would be that shocked and really that bothered. They simply do not (or don’t want to) understand how I feel and how frightened I am to be alone. I cannot imagine my life continuing as it is. I have no friends from my old life because of the stalking. I became completely housebound, moving back in with my parents years ago. When they retired I had to live alone as I am now. I can’t face the funeral because I obviously have no support and would be an embarrassment to everyone if I started getting upset. But I feel I must try for mam. Mam was the only one who would stick up for me and be a buffer in the family. I love her so much. I can’t understand why nobody else is not devastated. My sister is staying with dad and so I cannot even have a private conversation with him. She asked him if I had ‘calmed down a bit’ after the brooch incident when I went over today. I don’t have the energy to stand up for myself. I just cannot be around them and feel so cut off. The thought of wandering around a park on my own is pointless. I can’t understand why I’ve ended up so isolated and would rather be dead than continue. I think mam has been a massive reality check. None of the things I used to do to fill my time (textile art, decorating, gardening,) means anything now. She didn’t visit or see any of it since covid began. Completing tasks made my days productive and now I can’t do anything. I feel like an abandoned child and I’m 51 years old. I feel so pathetic. I just want to join her. I keep talking to her and asking her to visit me but I’m still waiting. I keep seeing white baby feathers on my doorstep and in the garden. I can’t wait years to be with her again. I don’t know if I can go to the chapel of rest now because I have no one to go with who will not judge me. I didn’t know my sisters would turn on me when mam wasn’t there to stop them. She would be appalled by what is happening. I didn’t realise I was so needy and relied on her so much with daily phonecalls and now she isn’t there. She was so upset when I stopped talking to my sisters (because I will not be pushed around) and she wanted us to make peace. I thought we had but clearly now that she is not here they don’t even need to pretend with me. Dad is deaf and cannot hear what is going on. My sisters are controlling everything (arrangements etc). I can’t bear being over there but I can’t bear being alone at home. I would have to drive to a park to go for a walk and wouldn’t feel safe alone (due to ptsd re stalking). I thought I was in control of my life and mam not being here has made me realise how empty my life actually is. My mam is everything to me. My whole life has gone with her. I know she would be so upset that I’m feeling so desperate. She is the most loving and gentle person I know. I hope she knows that she is everything to me.

It is a relief to get these feelings out but it doesn’t change the way I feel about this void I’m existing in. I feel so utterly alone without her. I don’t know if she knew how desperate my situation is. I didn’t even know until now. It’s only because she isn’t there that I an faced with this suffocating emptiness.

I really do appreciate your message. It’s been awful having to visit the house today and I couldn’t stay there. This forum is the only contact I have with other people. I haven’t been able to message others back but do really appreciate their replies.

Thank you, Christine x

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My last post sounds so selfish. I just feel so utterly alone without her. I wake at 4am after maybe 3 hours of sleep every day and panic and realise she really is not here and it all starts again. I would do anything to have been there more before she was ill, not to do jobs but just sit and chat and listen to her. I always returned home thinking I hadn’t actually seen my mam and dad because I’d be doing the garden or whatever jobs. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t able to just relax and the anxiety makes me so intense. My sister won’t tell me what conversations she had with mam and I’m desperate to know that mam knew I loved her. The hardest thing is not being able to talk to her, phone her when I get back from visiting. I didn’t know I had to keep her last message. I feel like I’m in such a rush the whole time and can never catch up and now it’s just too late. My mam was always so peaceful, at ease, relaxed and loved to chat. It doesn’t seem to be real again. It feels like I get so overwhelmed by missing her that I reach a point where it all stops and I just sit and feel nothing. I can’t remember the last time I hugged or kissed her because I’m so worried about catching covid and giving it to her with her lung condition. She died in a week of being told she had cancer. How is that possible? I still remember being with her when she died and afterwards. I wouldn’t leave her. I still see her face. I wish I was with her now. She still hasn’t visited me tp let me know she’s ok and if her parents came to collect her when she died. I hope Heaven is a beautiful summer garden, full of butterflies and birds. We loved gardening together in the summer and would stop for a cup of tea and bite to eat on the swing chair in the shade. She didn’t want to move from the house but couldn’t manage. She didn’t get to spend xmas in their new flat. I know I’m just waffling on but I miss her so much. I just want my mam back. Or to gladly join her wherever she is. I want to be a small child again, helping her make my ballet costumes or dressing up and playing tea parties. She’s such a lovely mam. Why do we have to grow up? I never wanted to. Life is too hard. I can’t be without her. I wish I had never left home and then I could have always been with her. She lost so much weight because she couldn’t eat and I was so shocked when I hadn’t been able to see her for 2 months. Not even her favourites - cheese sandwich or a scone. She always baked such lovely things for a Sunday tea. I loved helping when I was little. It’s like I can only remember chunks of time but not all of it. I need to remember it all so I remember her completely. I feel guilty that I was such a handful growing up. I wish I’d been a better daughter. I wish I’d been able to look after her and then she might not have got ill, or I would have phoned the GP every time she felt unwell instead of her going to bed and not letting anyone know she was in pain. If I’d been there always I could have made her life easier. I hate that she won’t celebrate her 80th birthday in January. She loved a party and dressing up. I wear her clothes for bed so I’m close to her. I just need her to know how much I love her. I cannot bear the pain of never seeing her again. I can’t bear that time goes so very slowly and when I stop thinking of her for even a minute I feel guilty like I don’t care. She is so loving and I need her to know that I love her even if she isn’t here. I just need her to visit me. I don’t know why she hasn’t. I wish I’d never stopped going to church and taken her when she wanted to go. I’m so sorry mam. For anything and everything I possibly did to annoy or upset you. Please forgive.

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Hello @christine51
Please don’t torture yourself . You mustn’t blame yourself for what happened to your mum , it isn’t your fault . Its awful the way your family are treating you but we are all here if you need us . Your mam knew that you loved her . My mum died 6 months ago and i truly believe she is in heaven and so is your mam . You will find the strength to get through this like i have , its truly awful but we can do it . Sending you love and strength xx

I might know how you feel. But how you feel mimics my own grief.

A week is no time at all. I am so sorry. Like Nilesh on the new video, losing my parents has been a terrible time … I miss my mother terribly. You are so early in … realize how extremely a vulnerable state that you are in. you are an infant all over again and must treat yourself as such.

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p.s. you were a great joy to her, a gift so try to be happy that you were a source of love and pride to her … no one is perfect. life IS hard and too demanding on adults. it forces time away from loved ones. it is hard to help that. you have nothing to be sorry for. we just cannot be perfect in this modern world. they make it impossible so do not blame yourself. you know she would not want you to.

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Hi Christine,

That’s absolutely fine, don’t worry. Sometime sharing it on here it’s better anyway, as we can all read it that way.

For me, it’s been very hard. But knowing that it’s the cycle of life to lose a parent instead of the other way round, which many of those here have experienced, made it easier.
This is always the way it was going to be, and although it feels like you can’t live without her, life is supposed to go on.

Like someone else said, one week is no time at all. It took me many weeks and even now, so much grief is yet to come. So don’t be too hard on yourself, your grief is immense and I believe that. You are going through one of the hardest parts of loss, and the matter what we say you feel all the same. But you’re not alone. Although you feel like your relationship with your sisters and your dad has deteriorated there are still ways that can connect I’ll in the future.
It’s a shame you don’t feel connected to them now, but it doesn’t mean that you won’t be again. You’re strong and you’re not alone, everyone here is with you and understands a bit about what you’re going through.

Your mum sounds like an amazing mum, and she’d be proud of you I’m sure. I always tell myself that a day further from my dad passing, is a day closer to me seeing him again. I’m fairly religious and although it’s so hard, knowing that gives me some comfort.

Please reach out if you need to, we’re all here to listen to you

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Thank you to everyone. It’s comforting to know that one more day will bring me closer to her. I wait for her in my bedroom with fairy lights and my lovely lotus flower lamp. I tell her to look for the rainbow lights and the orchids. I can’t sit in the sitting room, put the tv on or listen to music so I just wait for bedtime, take a sleeping pill (which doesn’t make any difference) and know that I’ll wake up again at 4 am with a fright. I just can’t accept that she’s gone. I really did think she would last forever. I was never prepared for this in any way. She was going to get better when the clots travelled from her legs to her lungs. Every trip to hospital was just unstable angina. They didn’t do tests for cancer because she didn’t tell them about the pain in her stomach (gall bladder cancer to liver). I kept waking up sobbing when she was on holiday and I couldn’t see her. I didn’t want her to die and it must have been some sort of premonition without me even knowing. And when she got home she was so unwell she didn’t want me to visit. I’m so angry that I have anxiety. If I had visited and taken her to hospital and insisted that tests be done she might have had treatment and not died. I thought she would get better, enjoy xmas and start doing things again with time. I was going to mend the crochet blanket with her over the winter. I can’t remember how to crochet. She taught me everything I know with my sewing and textiles. I was going to do an embroidery family tree for her birthday to update the one I did when I was nine. So many children have been born. Why did I leave it until now to do? It’s too late now. She wanted to get all the old photo’s sorted into albums and do them as a family history for generations to come. I can’t remember who everyone is. I bought the albums but never sat down with her to start it. How did that never happen when it was so important to her? I kept thinking we had all the time in the world. There were boxes of photos, too many and it was an overwhelming task. I should have helped her to even make a start. This really is like torture because the list keeps growing. But I know if she had not died the photo’s would still not be done. They would still be waiting until after xmas. My therapist told me that I was living like everyone else in the present and things that were important to me was what I was focused on, separate to my mam. And I know that is true and real life. But I just cannot bear that she is gone and I’ll never have any time with her. I know she’d be really upset knowing what a state I’m in but I can’t just switch it off. I’m so desperate to talk to her because I feel that I didn’t do that in real life. I didn’t pay attention that she was actually an old lady already. I didn’t see her like that. She didn’t dress like that or act like that. She was always just mam as she had always been. I didn’t know that I had to look more closely and slow down and that time was now precious. I didn’t know that I had to be more grown up. I feel so selfish. I didn’t have children and it was always about myself. But I did go over before covid three times a wee, every other day, to help with whatever needed doing and then I just couldn’t manage. I had so little energy to do anything else. I kept telling my sister she needed to come with me. I was so stressed I told them I couldn’t manage the whole garden myself and to get a gardener in. He just cut things down and mam was so upset. I was so frustrated with them and now I feel so horrible because I can’t say sorry. I was so stressed. I need to say sorry and I can’t now. She felt pushed into moving when my sisters took over and I kept saying she doesn’t want to but my dad insisted. I don’t think she was happy after she moved. There was a roof garden but she hardly went out there. Gardening was her joy and love. I hope she is in a beautiful garden now, full of old roses. I imagine her as a young girl with her parents. She was always happy in photos. I didn’t tell her how beautiful she is. This is just unbearable.


When she died I stopped fixing the trellis and can’t go back out there. If I do it feels like I mustn’t care. I’m in limbo and even washing my hair feels like a huge task. I’m frightened that my little cat will soon die and I’ll have to bury her in the garden. She’s old and sleeps a lot now. It doesn’t feel real but I dread waking up because it hits me again that mam’s really not here and never coming back. I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I should start a journal but my writing is big and scrawling and I know I would give up. Doing this is easier. It does help and it is comforting on some level to know that I’m not alone but reading all the stories is heartbreaking. I know mam was lucky that we were all with her and she was on morphine to ease her pain but she died so quickly. I can’t accept it. It’s not fair. Her grandchildren and great grandchildren won’t know her. I used to get up to mischief with my nephew (pre covid, about 6 year old) and we’d raid the cupboards for treats when we visited on a weekend. It would always wind mam up and she’d tell us off. I miss him. I miss being normal. Doing normal things before she was ill. Before now.

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I know the feeling sometimes I have days like that because my mum was my best friend and I feel lost and alone without her I have to go my 1sr Christmas without her and even then thats hard enough I feel like my life is worthless unless my mum is here … im having to go for counciling because im not coping with my mums death . If you ever want to talk you can message anytime xx

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You have so many thoughts going around in your head and that’s natural.
I felt a lot of guilt and regret about my attitudes towards my own dad, but I’m seeing a councillor and it’s a way to talk to someone I suppose.
I looked after him for years with Parkinson’s, always believing that “he’d be fine” or “he’s exaggerating for attention” when I should have just opened my eyes and realised that he was an old man and he was really unwell. As a child, who is so emotionally connected to your parent, your mind keeps them more well than they are, to protect you. I hate that I didn’t speak to my dad with more love and kindness everyday. I was an ICU nurse during the pandemic and seeing all the other people passing around me made me even more reluctant to see him as someone who was very sick. I didn’t see his death coming either, but I think I was a little blind. I know it wasn’t my fault.
Everything that you feel guilty about (not going over as much, not doing the albums), I bet your mum would forgive in an instant because of how much she loved you. It wouldn’t have mattered. The pictures are still there and are still very valuable. The fact that you’re thinking about this shows how much you care and are aware.
It sounds like you felt the need to protect her and even up until her passing she was protecting you. You are in a vulnerable moment in time right now and all of your feelings are amplified. It’s important to feel them but my opinion is to not let them intoxicate you.
Another thing my dad gave me was my faith. I don’t know if you’re religious at all but maybe turning this way much give you comfort? My dad was extremely religious and (although I wasn’t really), I talk to him every day. No, it’s not the same as hearing his wonderful voice, but I can feel him there, above me, listening like he always would.
It is the part of him that’s in me, that talks back to me- everything I remembered about him reminds me of what he would say or how he would act. That’s something.
Your mum is with you still, she is a part of you and her voice is there as well to answer you.

I enjoy hearing that you have a nice relationship with your little nephew, I’ve got one who is 6 too. Kids are so perceptive and I’m sure he’s aware of what’s happening.
He will know your mum. Photographs, videos, memories and quirks that were hers. Although it’s not quite same, he will know her if you keep her a part of your life.

Just take each day as you can. There’s no pressure to suddenly feel ok or to be strong. Thank you for finding and using a platform like this


My family are all together for dinner at my sister’s house just down the road (5 mins) and I didn’t know and was not invited. I had reached out to my niece to go for a walk because I can’t bear to be on my own at home and that’s how I found out. I feel even more isolated than I did before when mam died one week and 3 days ago now. I feel completely abandoned. Mam would be outraged and so upset. I don’t know why this is happening. Makes me want to be with her even more now. I’m glad she’s not here to see this. She would never have not included me even when she knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. I would have a choice. They’re a couple of miles down the road tucking into a Sunday dinner and I’m feeling like I just want to curl up and die. I have nobody to love me apart from mam and she’s not here.

Hello, I lost my mum 5 days ago. I can feel your pain! My life without her will never be the same and I cant accept that I will never see her again. When I go to the Chapel I just won’t want to leave and I cant cope with this pain. I can’t sleep I cant function every second of the day I’m thinking of her! Iam so sorry for your loss and I honestly feel the same pain.