I want to see it all again...

Just had another bawling my eyes out moment…All I keep wanting is to go back a few years, back to our old homes, Richard and dogs, I keep thinking of the routine of Richard going to 3 markets on their market days in thee different villages-towns, also the glebe - a green park open space a short walk from our house yet I could see it in the distance to my left when I looked out of my bedroom window, How I would make fun of Richard when I could see him lowly going round and round in circles throwing our dogs tennis ball in the sling as he would walk past the allotments…the same allotments where once he became a member of…Oh the times I walked the dogs through the glebe when the dogs saw him in the allotments they would stop and try to get in but the mesh fence kept them from getting to them and on a hot day I would get pulled inside the gate if someone had left it unlocked and take the dogs to see him and have a drink of water from the allotment tap…I would give anything to have these days back again…The markets Richard would always be one foot in, one foot out the door, when he called upstairs if I was on the computer and asking me if there was anything I wanted, of course this always caused us amusement…There was the famous Woburn market ( Charles Ross auctioneers ) next door…I’ve just done a google map and it has started me off crying again when I see where we usually would park the car…


This is what we do best, tormenting ourselves, wishing what we can’t have, I too have had a complete meltdown today. My son bought me an echo dot, have been requesting songs all afternoon, been tormenting myself with past memories. Crying all blinking afternoon, beating myself up it’s hard so hard to be positive. I’ve been reading my journal back to myself too, all the memories we created like you simple things if only if only, but Jackie these are lovely happy memories, cherish them x

Yes you are right I just keep on tormenting myself…I am at my final stage in life, I am now 68 have MS and the best parts of my life are now over and I face a different type of future and it is frightening…the final chapter of my life and I am starting this chapter alone with no idea what my future will now hold…I know i-we are all asking for the impossible asking for our old lives back or the best chapter of our lives we are wanting back, I know this is the reality, just keep having these breakdowns…My life had changed only 7 plus weeks ago, I knew it was a mistake moving leaving our old home but my MS diagnoses caused all that…Yes this is it isn’t it? the simple things, the simple life we just took so much for granted when we had it, it was just there, we never appreciated it until later, when it is just a memory of what was…


I think part of the grief journey includes looking back over the years and all the different things that seemed so ordinary at the time. We moved into this hose 43 years ago and the numbers increased from two to six, and then all the way back to one. Everywhere I go in the town, the Moor, the woods, the Riverside there are memories of my wife. I often bump into her friends. It’s been ten months since Carolyn died and bit by bit the pain has softened and I cope better inside my thoughts and memories.
I’m concerned that I may lose some of my memories and so I’ve taken to writing them down. Unfortunately I only have fragments of memory and I used to rely on Carolyn to complete them. I’ve big boxes of photos with no idea where most of them were taken.
It’s often said that we don’t fully appreciate something until it’s gone. How true that is.

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How true your words are YL. I look at photo’s of my Brian, fit, well in his walking gear or shorts and can’t believe that we will never walk those mountain paths as we used to. That we will never get on a plane again and fly off to somewhere we enjoyed walking. I must admit I hated flying, the airports and all that hassle but I would willingly do it again to just be with him. He was so happy when he was flying off somewhere even with me moaning but he never complained.
I can remember so much. He always said I had a memory like an Elephant.
Everywhere I go there are memories… Today has not been a good day so I decided to go to the gym and work some of my sadness off. I caught the bus and a couple were waiting. They said how they missed him (he was born in this town and lived here all his life). They told me that his band played at their wedding fifty years ago. I never knew that. I keep finding out things that I never knew about him. How true we never appreciate what we have until we lose it. Fact of life.
Take care Pat

I’ve been busy today had my granddaughter till 4pm, pottering in the garden, been out walking, now she’s gone, I’m off again over-thinking, you write so well Yorkshire Lad, I too write in a journal, take myself off in a different world, met a few people today whilst out walking, good to talk. But the only problem my David is not waiting for me on my return. x

You will probably think I’ve lost the plot but when I was out without Brian we used to ring each other, just to say where we was or what time we would be home. When I went to the gym I would ring him when I was coming out and he would come and meet me. I have started calling his number again. (Now disconnected) and talking as I did then. Telling him I’m on my way home and what bus I’m catching so that he can meet me at the bus stop with the dogs. Daft I know but it does give me some comfort.

I what’s app my husband every night to tell him what I’ve been doing, does that mean I’ve lost the plot as well. I told my son and daughter and they just looked at each other and then laughed, I said don’t be so mean I have not gone gaga yet and my daughter replied it’s not that I do as well, so it looks like a lot of us are losing the plot
Jan x

Oh no! We don’t lose the plot. It’s what we want to do because it helps through the pain. Some of us may have rituals we perform, others memories or make phone calls. It matters not a jot if we ease the pain just a little. When I am out I often phone my home number hoping a familiar voice will answer. Crazy? Not at all. I just don’t care what anyone thinks, and providing I am hurting no one then it’s OK.

What’s happening these last few days. We all seem to be struggling more than usual. I’ve had a lousy few days too. I’ve just walked in our house after finishing a shift at work. I’ve cried all the way home and couldn’t or, wouldn’t get out of the car for about ten minutes. I’m inside now and damn near hyperventilating because I’m crying so much. This has been going on for about 3 days now on and off. I’m trying so damn hard but this is absolutely the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. What the hell…

I know we all feel the same and I’m sending love to all of you on this road with me x

As usual you have all cheered me up. I now know there are many others that do bizarre things. What the hell, we all get comfort.
Must be something in the air. Crying so much since I started on Saturday afternoon. Would have preferred to stay in bed all day Sunday but made myself water my veg and mow the grass. Today I seem to be getting through it quite well and crying stopped until the next time. I accept the grief and don’t fight it but it is so tiring. I think my brain has become scrambled with so many thoughts.
I picked up a prayer card from a local church on the back was a picture of a long winding road with the words WHERE NEXT. Where next indeed, this is what we are all wondering.
Pat xxxx

I feel totally lost at the moment. I did have a dream that I was hanging over a cliff and Simon was holding my hand to pull me up. I feel so sad when I think of it but I also felt he was trying to help me. I have been struggling for the last three weeks. I have a friend coming tomorrow, I haven’t seen her for a while, which will be nice. Take care everyone. Janet x