Hi all, new here.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my anger after my younger brothers death last year. He was 24 and it was a suicide. I was (and am) on the other side of the world, and BC of all this COVID mess and the strict measures (rightfully) set in place in Aus, I was unable to attend the funeral or see my family.
I was obviously upset, but I found myself becoming angrier and angrier with every well intended message I’d receive from every bastard that had once shared a sandwich with my brother. I knew it was pure and sweet and well meaning but I took to calling them Grief Sluts in my head. The reasoning being that they didn’t know him. They knew him ever so briefly, but they were acting like it was the worst thing to ever happen to them.
Then I’d beat myself up about it like ‘it’s the right thing to do and these kids are paying their respects and you can feel strongly connected to someone you knew only briefly and upset by their sudden passing’.
I’d feel positively tranquil for a couple of weeks, then have a few too many wines and see someone from our (large) extended family posting on social media about what a wonderful person he was and how they were so close and how it’s affected them so profoundly.
Immediately the fury was back. I wanted to msg these bastards like ‘well when was his birthday then!? What year was he born? What music did he like!? Who was the last girl he dated? What was he allergic to? How did he get that scar on his knee? Why is he afraid of horses!?’.
But that achieves nothing. And thankfully I wrote those messages but had better sense than to send them.
These people I view as peripheral and uncaring (some are, most aren’t) have lost someone too.
I don’t cry every day anymore, and that’s something. But every now and again I get so angry when I’m trying to wind down from a hard day’s work and someone who didn’t know him from Adam posts a ‘heartfelt tribute’ on social media about how much they miss him. Very few knew him, it pains me to say. Such a lonely, troubled young man, with demons in his head. Some days I appreciate that these people were affected, but most days I just wonder if they were, or to the degree they’re making out. ‘my best friend’ or ‘my favourite nephew’ … Was he heck, but you know you’ll get 200 likes on this post.
FFS.
I don’t know if I’m the jerk or if they are but I suspect both, ha.
Thanks for reading. Grief sucks. Stay safe. X
Hi Jc1992 so sorry for the loss of your brother. I felt so much sadness for you reading your post. How awful it must have been dealing with your younger brothers suicide from the other side of the world. I can understand your anger and frustration. I have had a fair bit of anger myself accompanied by guilt. It’s all part of the grieving process I suppose. I can’t offer you any advice all I can think is if these people post something about your brother at least it shows he is not being forgotten about , even tho you must be feeling where were they when he needed help. I hope you can go back and see your family some time And it resolves some issues for you. Your poor mom and dad must be in bits and would be so glad to have you home again for a while I am sure. Take care .jss
Hi Jss. Thank you so much for your kind words. They bought a tear to my eye, in a good way. It’s nice to feel heard when you’re upset. I really appreciated that you weren’t trying to offer me advice, BC unfortunately that’s something else I’m experiencing anger with, ha. Everyone is of course grieving in their own way, moving on with their lives as best they can. But the amount of people who begin sentences with things like ‘why don’t you just…’ is staggering to me. I loved the kid, and the pain will live as long as I do. Hopefully it will fade into something more manageable, but it sucks when people think they’re being helpful, telling me ‘he wasn’t meant for this world’ or some such tripe. It’s only been a year yet it feels everyone thinks I should be feeling it less. It feels like an insult, like an erasure of his memory or something. My pain reminds me of his life, as grim as that sounds. I don’t mope and often laugh with my partner about things that pop into my head, nice or funny memories. But I also have bad days and I’m trying to be okay with that. I recently went to bits BC my dad had sent a jacket and beanie of my brothers and after months of my wearing them they’d lost their scent. It was only some nasty teenage deodorant, a certain washing powder and the general greasy smell of a young man haha, but it felt like losing him all over again. Like he was being erased from the world bit by bit. I don’t know how anybody manages if I’m honest. I’m not unique in my loss but I don’t know how people get on with it all. I hope you’re coping with the loss you experienced and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. X
Hi jc1992 I don’t know how anyone manages to get through either. You sound a very intelligent and strong minded person and I am sure you will get through this even wiser. I feel I am having some sort of massive learning curve of emotions and realisations that I would rather not be having and am just fighting against but it’s out of my control .So I have to bow to the inevitable and try to roll with the blows . Not succeeding very well so far though.
Keep reading other people’s post, lots of people talk about their anger on here, just type anger in the search topic bar and it will come up with lots of discussions on it. It’s lovely you have some of your brothers clothes , and I totally get what you say about the smell of them and the pain. I think the pain is so unbearable but its just proof of how much we love them so for me the pain must stay and as you say hope it just becomes more manageable . Hugs jss.
Hey Jc,
Just read your post, that really must have been devastating losing your brother like that worse still as you’re miles apart… Not being able to attend the funeral or see your family… You have my deepest sympathy for your loss… You always imagine your little bro will be there always… There as your best man… Around for a few pints on footie day…
What really grabbed me my your post is your anger towards what you call grief sluts that really did resonate I totally agree with that…it’s like I knew this person for 5 minutes but let’s see how many likes I can get on Facebook… I always called them attention seeking whores but I may be tempted to use your line.
Definitely agree with you about people coming out and saying the dumbest shit… How you should be feeling better by now… It’s bad enough some jobs literally give you a week to grieve and you should be tiptop and ready to rumble again…
Your never be okay… Your never be over it… Just some days will be easier then others… Anyways thankyou for posting alot of what you wrote reflected how I felt…
You take care pal.